Like many a B-Movie aficionado, I tend to have a hard time resisting a premise that is the right kind of sleazy. And you can't get much more correctly sleazy than a film about a sexy nurse who seduces and murders unfaithful men--in 3D!

So when I heard about the film last year, I had to go see it--even with my usual aversion with paying to see 3D films in the theater.

Now, you might notice I didn't rush to gush all over it on here. That's true of many films I loved, as well, but that's just because I feel my readers deserve a detailed review and it can be hard to give one to a movie you watched once in a theater. (My first review being a notable exception)

Still, in this case I certainly would have much to discuss. However, like many things it fell by the wayside.

And then, in July, I saw that the film's titular nurse, Paz De La Huerta, was suing the film's director. Why, you ask? Because Nurse 3D had ruined her career. Now, it wasn't just her claim that the film was so awful that it ruined her career--as entertaining as that would be--but rather, that the director was negligent and she suffered a serious injury because of it. Of course, that sounds perfectly reasonable until you see she also claimed he dubbed her voice with a worse actress and her lawsuit demands that he redub the film with her actual voice.

Ironically, this means that her lawsuit is a lot like the film: it can't quite decide how serious it wants to be.

In true exploitation tradition, the film opens with a title card telling us, "During the last 30 years the F.B.I. has documented that more murders have occurred within the healthcare profession than any other profession. It has also produced the greatest number of known serial killers."

It's entirely possible that, unlike the habits of the anaconda, this graphic might actually be true.

We are quickly introduced to our titular nurse, Abigail Russell (Paz de la Huerta--and not Paz Vega, which is a mistake, myself included, are wont to make), as she applies lipstick in the bathroom of a club. Not only are we watching Abby in her indescribable dress--which is see-through lace in the back, with no underwear, and in the front looks like something from Stirba's wardrobe in Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf--we're also hearing her because she narrates this film.

Abby's on the hunt for the most dangerous game, you might say. She seeks out married men who habitually cheat on their wives and attempts to seduce them. She always gives them an opportunity to walk away, you see, but if they don't? Well, they end up like the creep who hits on her tonight. She takes him up to the rooftop, gets him hot and bothered by pretending to be offering fellatio, but then slashes his femoral artery with a scalpel. After lecturing him a bit about how much better off his wife and children will be without him, she throws him off the roof so he can get impaled on a metal fence post--in 3-D!

In one of the more clever touches of the film, the credits play over mock pulp covers and pin up art of the main characters. Midway through, though, it switches to montage narrated by Abby that explaisn what her day job is like.

In a really weird, unnecessary CGI effect that reminds me of something from the Resident Evil movies, when Abby explains that she works at All Saints Hospital we see the hospital logo fly onto the screen like we just came back from commercial. We also see that Abby is the nurse of the month, as she snidely comments that the men at her hospital are very likely to try and get sexual with their patients. You'll note at this point that all the nurses in the film dress like the uniform store went out of business and they were forced to go to the Halloween store and get sexy nurse costumes instead. I doubt that any nurse anywhere in 2013 still dresses like this, and this is not a period piece.

"Damn it, Cindy, stop whistling 'The Twisted Nerve.' We've been through this."

Abby then talks about how, as is traditional, she has been assigned a new nurse to mentor--Danni Rogers (Katrina Bowden, also seen in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil). While she mentions Danni reminding her of herself when she started, it's clear from her voice that her interest in Danni is more than professional. Of course, despite the focus on her professional life, the montage ends with Abby bringing herself to orgasm astride the corpse of a man whom she has apparently just stabbed with twenty syringes in the chest. That seems like overkill, but I'll defer to the professional on this one.

Cut to an induction ceremony for the class of nurses Danni belongs to, as they join the nurses corps. The ceremony is presided over by Dr. Robert Morris (Judd Nelson!), but he steps aside after introducing Head Nurse Betty Watson (Kathleen Turner!). Danni smiles nervously at Abby, watching from the crowd, and then at her boyfriend in the front row, Steve (Corbin Bleu--yes, the High School Musical guy). Later, at the after party Danni gets a congratulatory hug from her mom (Linda Papadopoulos) and gives the cold shoulder to her step-dad, Dr. Larry Cook (Martin Donovan!). Abby slinks over for a quick hug and is introduced to Danni's mom, Larry (whom she makes a big show of having heard about already), and then Steve. Abby's face falls at his introduction, but she covers it fairly well.

I think. Look, Paz de la Huerta can claim that the director dubbed her with a bad actress to make her performance worse all she wants--the simple fact is that she does not turn in a good performance in this film. I mean, it sort of works because Abby is supposed to be rather off-putting, but it's still some terrible acting.

Steve is a paramedic who drives ambulances for the hospital, which Abby views with disdain. And in a pointless jump scare scene, Steve surprises her in some kind of supply room so they can have sex. (And if you have ever wanted to see Corbin Bleu's ass, this is the movie for you) Unfortunately, he mentions moving in together and she balks at that because it's too big a commitment right now because of all the shit going on in her life like the new job and her mom's husband being an asshole. That kills the mood even before nurse Regina (Niecy Nash!) walks in on them and cracks jokes about taking a turn with Steve next before leaving them in peace.

Danni's night is about to get worse because she comes downstairs to respond to victims of a car accident being brought in and freezes at the sight of the wounded bodies. Morris yells at her to, "Get in the game," which is made inadvertantly hilarious by the virtue of Corbin Bleu being in this film. Abby talks about this being Danni losing her virginity and that she had to learn eventually that being a nurse is more than "sticking thermometers in butts and looking pretty." Yet, when she shortly afterward watches Morris take the time to yell at Danni that she shouldn't be there if she can't do the job, she frames this lecture as a part of the sexual kicks Morris gets with the new nurses.

Sure, why not?

Danni then takes a crying 3-D shower!,..in her panties. Look, directors, if your movie calls for a shower scene and your actress for the scene doesn't do nudity, maybe you should frame the shot so we wouldn't see anything anyway. Abby is upset that Danni calls her boyfriend for comfort instead of her, but still walks into the locker room to strip down into her white undies and garter, before stripping down to her panties and telling Danni that she shouldn't let it worry her and they'll go get drinks after she showers, However, on the way they see Larry getting into a car with another woman, which confirms Danni's suspicions that he's cheating on her mother. His reaction when confronted is to tell her she's out of line and drive off, which doesn't exactly convince her she's wrong.

At the club, Abby gets Danni good and drunk. They dance--and then we see a residue at the bottom of Danni's glass. Yep, Abby drugged her. There are lots of selfies taken by Abby as they end up making out and then another guy joins them. (A heads up for anyone who suffers from epilepsy, this sequence goes way overboard on the flashing lights) Based on the rest of the photos we see, the guy goes home with them and has sex with Danni. Poor Danni wakes up the next morning in a strange man's shirt, in bed next to a naked Abby.

Betty and Veronica finally realize they never actually wanted Archie.

Danni is freaked out by waking up with no memory of the rest of the night after a few drinks. And she seems doubly freaked out by the obvious implications that she had sex with Abby. Abby's narration petulantly talks about Danni "being all weird" because she can't figure out if she had sex with a total stranger and "wondering if I was part of the fun." I don't think she wonders, there, Abby. You're about as subtle as a teenage boy saying, "Nope, that's not Kate's real hair color. I know from experience."

Despite Abby's pleas for Danni to call in sick and spend the day with her, as well as assurances that Abby texted Steve pretending to be her, don't go over any better. Abby's decision not to put on any damn pants can't help matters. Danni finally borrows a dress from Abby, who stares longingly at her as she gets dressed, and then asks Abby if they can pretend last night never happened. Well, they could if A) Abby wasn't a psychopath and B) if only Abby hadn't taken a shitload of incriminating photos.

On her way out the door later, Abby is greeted by her enthusiastic puppy dog of a neighbor, Jared (Adam Herschman). When he asks why he never sees her, she quips, "My schedule's been murder." He worries about her because he sees dead people all day--since he transports cadavers for the anatomy lab. Oh, and Abby isn't going to work. She's going to an appointment with a psychiatrist--one Dr. Larry Cook. She's sizing him up as a victim, as well as dealing with "some of my own shit," but her story is that she's a sex addict. This triggers a brief flashback to visiting her father at his doctor's office when she was eight, the point of which we don't see yet. The upshot is that she has definitely intrigued Larry and he gives her his cell number in case she needs him.

Danni, meanwhile, has gotten flowers from Steve when she gets in to work. Abby saw this and is clearly fuming, and she also can't help noticing Morris shamelessly smack Danni on the ass a little later. (Something Danni basically does ignore) While Danni is signing out 6 cc's of vecuronium, Morris sexually harasses her even more blatantly. She, again, ignores this. I suppose she doesn't want to make waves, but yikes.

Watching Danni take another underwear shower, Abby reflects on how the sex acts they engaged in the night before and angrily smashes the flower vase. She passes it off as an accident when Danni comes back to her locker, then asks about why Steve sent them. When Danni explains about the moving in argument, Abby tries to turn her against Steve--but Danni mentions that he's been there for her even when her father died after a drunk driver crashed into his car. Abby can relate to this. See, she lost her father when she was eight years old...

Abby gives Danni an extra key to her apartment in case she ever needs it. Danni explains that the reason she's reluctant to move out is because she can't bear the thought of leaving her mom alone with Larry. Well, Abby thinks she has the solution to that problem. She ambushes Larry as he's leaving his parking garage and convinces him to drive her to a back alley where they can get hot and heavy. She ties his hands to the gearshift with her ribbon--and then injects him with 4 cc's of vecuronium. It paralyzes him and she then rolls his car out into an intersection, where a garbage truck hits him and kills him.

Very conspicuously Abby removes her ribbon and jacket from his car as the crowd nearby calls the cops, and she then orders Italian takeout. She comes home, stopping briefly to assure Jared she's not a robber, to find a crying Danni in her apartment. Danni is grieving for Larry, contrary to Abby's expectations--and worse, she's thinking of moving in with Steve. This sets Abby the fuck off. She tells a confused Danni that nobody will ever understand her like Abby does. And then she makes a comment about Larry going through the windshield--and Danni never told her that Larry died in a car crash.

Well, Danni seems to kind of let that suspicion slide a bit until the funeral. She sees Abby talking to a man who introduces himself to Danni and Steve as Detective John Rogan (Boris Kodjoe!). He needs to talk to Danni about the circumstances of her stepfather's death, and before he gives her his card he mentions that he is talking to the last people to see Larry the day he died. Danni confrotns Abby about talking to Rogan, and Abby casually mentions being a patient of Larry's before sashaying away. She intends to leave it at that and get back to her "work", but she mentions an unforeseen complication on the horizon.

And let me take a quick moment to observe how much better this film would be if it dropped the "serial killer who targets unfaithful married men" angle and instead made the story about Abby becoming obsessed with Danni and trying to destroy anyone she sees as a threat to their relationship. The two plots simply do not mesh very well. Oh, and that voice over narration is not really as clever an idea as the filmmakers thought.

Well, it turns out that the wrench in the works is the new HR director, Rachel Adams (Melanie Scrofano). As Rachel goes about annoying Regina by putting smiley face stickers on anyone and everyone, Danni gets an email that oddly immediately opens all its attachments to show her the incriminating photos that Abby took. Rachel gets Regina to direct her to Abby, whom she gleefully introduces herself to and puts a sticker on her--and Rachel recognizes Abby from somewhere, but can't place her. Danni walks by in time to hear that Rachel remembers who Abby looks like: her old neighbor, Sarah Price, who was put in the Sunnyview Institute as a little girl. Rachel last saw her years ago, having grown up and sold her mother's house after her mother's death.

Given Abby's significant reaction, I'm going to bet that Rachel isn't as mistaken as she thinks. That evening Rachel gets a false scare when she walks past Morris' office and the nurse he's having sex with suddenly flings her naked breasts against the frosted glass. Now, uh, I would think the director of HR might react to this kind of fraternization with something other than laughing it off when she immediately runs into Abby, but instead she takes Abby up on an invitation for drinks.

Abby calls Danni to invite her to drinks, which is really an excuse to taunt her with how she's obviously watching her as she drives some stuff over to Steve's. Once there, Danni just barely intercepts an email to Steve with all those incriminating pictures. Steve thinks there's something odd about her behavior and what seems like a sudden obsession with Abby--after she brings up the fact that Abby was a patient of Larry's--but he gets called in for duty. Danni is then woken up by a Skype call from Abby.

Well, it's from Abby, but Rachel is the one on the video. She's drunk and clearly at Abby's, which Danny doesn't seem overly alarmed about even as Abby starts licking and biting Rachel's ear like she's trying to seduce her. However, the empty syringe that Abby looms toward the oblivious Rachel with sure freaks her out. The call ends, so Danni calls 911 to send a unit to Abby's apartment. A second Skype call has Abby taunting Rachel with the apparent dead body of Rachel, whom she comments won't be at work tomorrow.

However, at the police station the next day, things turn bad for Danni. Abby has convinced Rogan that Danni has an obsession with her, and it turns out that Rachel (who was clearly introduced as "Adams" but here is called "Owens") is fine. When Steve arrives, things get worse. He gets to see the incriminating photos that Abby provided as evidence of Danni's obsession. Danni counters she ran a drug test on herself and discovered she had rufilin in her system that Abby must have drugged her with. Now, I find Rogan's incredulous response of asking if she can prove that to be ridiculous, because it sounds like he means the "had rufilin in her system" part. I should think the drug test would prove that, but I'm curious why she didn't ever mention it.

Oh, and the toxicology report on Larry showed he had vecuronium in his system. Remember what drug Danni checked out at work the same day he died? Steve buys the story Abby gave and storms away, refusing to listen to Danni. In desperation, Danni goes to Morris, but Abby sees them talking. Rachel, still on that hunch, looks up Sarah Price--only to be attacked by Abby in her office. The damage is done, though, because Danni remembered hearing about the Sunnyview Institue and goes there to get answers.

Sarah Price was institutionalized there when she was 8, because she and her mother walked in on her father having sex with his nurse. Hilariously, the flashback we see of this is all sepia tone and Vaseline lens--except for the shots of her father having sex with the nurse and reacting to his family walking in, which are totally unaltered. Consistency! At any rate, daddy got violent with mommy and little Sarah calmly slit his fucking throat with a scalpel.

Danni notices a few things. First, Sarah always carried around a little nurse doll with her, one that Danni has definitely seen in Abby's possession. Second, Sarah became attached to a nurse, who became like a mother to her and even took her in once she was released, since her real mother had committed suicide--a nurse named Janet Abigail Russell.

Speak of the devil, Abby goes to meet with Morris. He mentions Danni's complaints against Abby, but then offers her the chance to...show herself in a different light. Abby happily agrees and leads him to meet her down in the morgue to "discuss" it further. By which she means chloroforming him and strapping him to a table with a gag in his mouth, before stripping down to just her bra before threatening him with various implements. (And oddly this is one of the few tongue in cheek sequences that I felt truly worked)

"Look, when you said you were into kinky stuff, this is not what I had in mind!"

First, she carves "Pig" into his chest with a scalpel, before threatening to stab him in the eye (in 3-D!) and then threatening to castrate him with a bone saw. Finally, she settles on taking an electric saw to his right arm. She, uh, really enjoys this.

Danni, speeding home from Sunnyview, calls Regina so she can look up Rachel's cell phone and connect her. Unfortunately, it turns out Rachel's cell phone is in the trunk of Danni's car--and it's bloody. She calls Abby, who breaks away from sex with Rogan to answer the call. Surely, Danni can't expect Abby to be blamed for whatever happened to Rachel when the dead woman's phone was in her car, surely? At any rate, Steve's working tonight and Abby thinks it's time she paid him a visit.

Desperately, Danni leaves a message for Rogan about Abby's true identity as Sarah Price. Rogan actually decides to listen to her request to look up Sarah Price. She rushes to the hospital and confronts Abby--whom we earlier saw stalking Steve--when the two start getting physical, Regina intervenes. Poor Regina gets an elbow to the face for her trouble and knocked cold. Danni and Abby get into a full on fight and end up smashing their way through a lab. Abby takes time to tell a security guard that Danni attacked her before killing him with a defibrillator. They end up wrestling their way into an operating room, and the cop that shows up to grab Danni ends up getting scissors through his neck. Danni, calling Abby "Sarah", tells her she can help her. Abby is having none of it and tries to attack her with the scissors, only to be tackled over the operating table by another cop.

The unfortunate bastard on the table ends up dead in the process, and the cop gets a pair of scissors buried in his eye.

"Which is better: One? Or GAAAUUUGHH!"

Fleeing, Danni is ambushed by Abby, only to beat the psycho into submission. Steve intervenes, but by the time Danni can explain herself, Abby has disappeared. The couple tries to catch up to her, but she causes some awful 3-D CGI effects! to happen that slow them down until she can lock herself in a critical care ward. By the time Steve has smashed the glass to get in, Abby has already murdered the orderly on duty and every single one of the patients. And it must be said that this bit is one of the biggest missteps in the movie--which is saying something. It's a truly horrifying sequence, with none of the tongue in cheek of earlier scenes, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense from the perspective of Abby's character since she believes she has an ethos.

Again we're back to "the serial killer plot doesn't fit."

Danni and Steve both fall for the "killer covers herself in blood and pretends to be a victim" trick, resulting in a bloody kiss for Danni and a pair of scissors to the neck for Steve. And the Abby escapes from the hospital, somehow. You'd think a bloody woman in her underwear would attract more notice.

Back at her apartment, a now-clean Abby attempts to gather her things and leave but Rogan finds her as she is walking through the alley. He attempts to arrest her, but she sees Jared and manages to make the sap think Rogan is a mugger. Jared kills Rogan with a baseball bat to the skull. Seeing Rogan's badge sends Jared into a panic, but Abby convinces him to dispose of the body for his own protection. I mean, you know what they do to cop killers, right? Her voiceover then says she thinks everything worked out well in the end, ignoring the people she murdered who were innocent even by her standards.

Oh, and the film ends with her having assumed Rachel's identity at a new hospital (and, once again, she's said to be "Rachel Owens" because the script girl on this movie apparently hated somebody). So we end with her cheerfully giving a woman a smiley face sticker. And Paz de La Huerta just utterly fails to sell an impression of Melanie Scrofano. The End.

"I said redub the movie!"

Welp. My opinion on Nurse 3D is a rather conflicted one.

Like a lot of movies, the opinion I had when I first saw it versus when I'm reviewing it now has changed dramatically. As I alluded to at he start of the review, I really liked (though didn't exactly love) this movie upon first seeing it. A second viewing, robbed of the 3D gimmick--which is always hit or miss with me anyway--began to show issues that I have with the movie now. Watching it a third time for this review, well, my opinion has positively plummeted.

The trouble with Nurse 3D, ultimately, it is seems to have no idea what it wants to be. Is it a sleazy exploitation pulp thriller with tongue planted firmly in cheek? Is it a parody of same? Is it a dark comedy? Is it a horror movie? Is it a wacky comedy about a serial killer nurse?

This is most certainly not a case like the far superior Black Dynamite, where the film nails everything perfectly and then goes too far into silliness for the final act. (Yes, I still love that film from beginning to end, but let's be honest--it goes from pitch-perfect affectionate parody to excessive silliness after the heroes go to Kung Fu Island) Hell, this is not even a case like Piranha 3D or even Piranha 3DD, where it knew the tone it was going for but simply chose one that wasn't any damn good. No, this film clearly has no idea what it's trying to be from practically frame one.

As I stated earlier, part of the reason is that this film wants to be a serial killer movie from the perspective of the killer while also a "I had an affair with the wrong person" story. Now, I admit I have not yet seen Fatal Attraction or Single White Female or even The Roommate, but from what I unerstand those movies are told mostly from the viewpoint of the person who winds up on a pycho's radar. I mean, it would be sort of silly to tell it from the other perspective, right?

Well, if you noticed from my synopsis, this movie is also told from the perspective of the victim. Except it's also not, because Abby constantly intrudes with voiceovers that, frankly, are often unnecessary and not nearly as clever as the movie thinks. It doesn't gel because we're supposedly watching Abby's story, but it's really Danni's. You can pick one or the other, but trying to do both just makes it all messy. Plus, again, the serial killer angle does not feel like it fits the film. Nothing Abby does after the opening has a direct relation to her preying on adulterers, because the people she kills prior to the climax are all endangering her "relationship" wth Danni--and the climax doesn't make sense because she's just killing at random, which isn't her style. It would fit a psycho obsession story, with her just lashing out at the world, but it does not fit the serial killer MO they've attempted to establish.

While all of the actors aside from Paz de La Huerta, whom we'll address separately, turn in great performances, most of them feel like they they've been dropped in from totally different movies. Niecy Nash, Adam Herschman, and Melanie Scrofano feel like they wandered in from comedies. Not in a "comic relief" sense, either, but like they didn't know what kind of movie they were in. Katrina Bowden, Judd Nelson, Boris Kodjoe, and Corbin Bleu actually all feel like they're in the right place--except that the movie doesn't know what that place is.

And then we come to Paz de La Huerta. Now, it is possible that she is right and in a fit of pique the director dubbed her over with another actress and presumably also had said actress do the voiceovers. that does not explain why de La Huerta's performance is so obviously awful on its own. Nothing she does in the film feels natural. She can't even walk like a normal human being: one scene in slow-motion looks like the disguised Martian played by Lisa Marie in Mars Attacks! with the way her body moves. She is wooden in most scenes, way over-enunciating in others, and every so often almost approaches a human emotion.

And I can't decide if she's the best part of the movie or not.

Abby Russell, after all, is a psychopath. She seems weirdly charming and likable, based on the perfomances of others around her--and yet is inhuman and robotic. In a way, the performance is kind of brilliant in its awfulness. I can't imagine Paz de La Huerta ever passing for a normal human being if this is how she normally acts, but she makes a pretty good psycho.

All in all, I can't recommend Nurse 3D but I can't say it should be avoided, either. It has its entertaining moments, but overall its inability to decide what the hell it wants to be makes it too disjointed to truly enjoy as a whole. I found it entertaining the first time I saw it, but it defintely cannot withstand multiple viewings.

So unless you just love seeing a bad actress trying to avoid wearing pants as much as possible, I prescribe giving this one a skip.


Today's review brought to you by the letter N! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for N!

The list of amazing things about Jess Franco could reach to the moon, but one of the most astounding to me is the fact that Franco was influential enough to have films made that were clearly trying to ride his coat tails. Sometimes it was as simple as emulating his style, sometimes it was trying to cash in on one of his successes--and sometimes it was trying to do both.

Franco's best film is generally agreed to be 1962's The Awful Dr. Orloff, though certainly hardcore Francophiles would argue this point. It was certainly the film that set the tone for a grand majority of Franco's following works. Most notably the film featured a mute brutish manservant named Morpho and Howard Vernon as the titular Dr. Orloff. Scores of Morphos would appear in Franco's oeuvre over the years, and not only would Howard Vernon appear in scores of Franco's films, but sveral times he reprised his role of Dr. Orloff.

Well, sort of. He was playing mad scientists named Orloff, but don't expect any damn continuity between the films where he appears as Dr. Orloff. And that's just referring to the films Franco made.

I'm sure El Santo could start his review of this off with a rousing history of its production, but I'm afraid that I'm not quite up to the task. (Other than commenting that this film, like many a Eurosmut production, has dozens of alternate titles--such as The Invisible Dead and Secret Love Life of The Invisible Man, hell even the DVD packaging calls it Orloff and The Invisible Man while the film's title card declares it Orloff Against The Invisible Man) What I can say is that, aside from Howard Vernon's involvement I can find no direct connection with Jess Franco in this film. This is rather astounding because it'd be incredibly easy to assume the filmmaker behind this film was Franco under a pseudonym.

However, as far as I can tell this film is just pretending to be a Franco film, and doing an astoundingly convincing job of it.

The kicky theme music that opens the film is definitely a Franco-esque touch. It's raining outdoors as our strapping young hero, Dr. Garondin (Francis Valladeres) stokes the fire in his office. He hears a commotion upstairs and when he comes to ask what all the fuss is, the housekeeper tells him she just sent off a young boy who had come calling about trouble at the Orloff castle. She didn't want the biy dirtying her floors and, at any rate, surely Garondin wouldn't go see anyone at that awful castle. Well, she's mistaken and Garondin hurries to depart over her objections.

In a truly surreal bit, Garondin finds the "boy" outside, who tells him only, "You've got to go to the castle at once," repeatedly before running away. This is all made more surreal by the fact that the boy is clearly pushing 20, but whomever dubbed this decided to use the voice of an actual child! Garondin is perplexed, but his resolve to go to the castle does not falter.

Garondin is new in town so he has to go to the local inn to hire a carriage to Castle Orloff. He finds that nobody in the inn wants to take him there--except for one driver who apparently values money more than fear. Well, until the carriage gets stuck in some mud. When Garonbdin tells the over-anxious driver to be careful not to overturn the carriage, he gets warned that he'll be walking from here on if he criticizes the skills of the driver. And then the driver tells Garondin that he needs to get out and push to get them unstuck.

Yep, Garondin is a sucker. Sure enough, the driver takes off immediately, leaving Garondin to walk through the rainy woods without even his bag. He manages to find a house on the way, but makes the mistake of mentioning where he was going when an old woman answers the door and gets it slammed in his face. Luckily, he does manage to find the castle, but when a servant answers the door he also tries to slam the door in Garondin's face after the doctor introduces himself.

Garondin has had quite enough of that shit, thank you very much, and shoves his way into the castle anyway. The servant claims to know nothing about anyone being sick, so Garondin forces him to lead the way to Professor Orloff. The servant leads him to where the maid (Evane Hanska) is furiously polishing the silver. The servant calls her an idiot and claims she sent for Garondin instead of leaving well enough alone. He also refuses to announce Garondin and tells the doctor to take it up with the maid.

She tries to ignore Garondin and focuses on stoking a fire, but eventually she cracks under his repeated requests to at least be told where Professor Orloff is. She promises to tell him who sent for him if he promises to take her with him when he leaves. See, Orloff doesn't know Garondin is here because it was Orloff's daughter, Cecile, who sent for him--but the maid can't tell him why, only Cecile can. So the maid gives him a lantern and tells him how to find Cecile's room--and she warns him to be careful, which strikes him as odd. Since everything has been so normal up until now, of course.

He misses the lengthy significant close-up on the maid's face as he heads down the hall. Garondin finds himself into the room he seeks, stokes the fire, and then Cecile Orloff (Brigette Carva) appears behind him. She explains that, yes, she is the one who sent for him, Nobody is sick, but something weird is going on in this castle and she hoped that as a doctor he might be able to understand whatever it is her father has been doing.

And then she tells him an actually neat story about earlier that day felling there was someone walking beside her, hearing their footsteps on the floorboards--and then looking into the mirror and seeing no reflection. However, the reflection suddenly began to return and she realized there had been something between her and the mirror, something that was both transparent and opaque. Garondin begins to try and make a gracious exit from this madness, but Cecile implores him that she's seen other objects moving when no one was there to move them.

Garondin assumes it must be a vision brought on by being alone, especially since she tells him that her father doesn't allow her to see anyone in order to maintain his own solitude. However, he figures that after all the trouble he went to in order to get to the damn castle, he might as well stay and figure out the mystery. Cecile directs him to her father's lab. Well, the lab not only looks like it belongs to an evil sorcerer from a fantasy movie, but when Garondin walks in he sees a book floating above a table, then sees the book get set down, its pages flipped, and finally something slams the book shut.

Well, Garondin barely has time to ponder that before he finds Doctor Orloff (the aforementioned Howard Vernon, and yes he is alternately called Professir and Doctor in the film) pointing a flintlock at him and demanding to know who he is. When Garondin explains himself, Orloff tells him he's come a long way for nothing. When Garondin asks how Orloff was making the book move without touching it, Orloff gleefully tells him that he didn't make it move at all--it was the invisible man that he has created.

"He's right in front of you, do you see him?" "No." "Then I have succeeded!"

Hilariously, Orloff reacts to Garondin's mild skepticism by saying even his colleagues laughed at him, but "I no longer try to convince anyone." This is followed, in almost the same breath, by him declaring, "I can prove it!" His proof is ordering the invisible man to set some wine down on the table and leave.

This either actually satisfies Garondin or he decides to play along with the madman by saying it does. Garondin gleefully talks of having created a new, superior race whose potential may be limitless. The invisible man is stronger and possibly even smarter than a human, he declares, and--as he pours some colored liquid into other colored liquids--he explains that he sees the invisible man as his revenge on his colleagues. Look, you gotta let that go, Orloff.

"They laughed at my beakers full of colored liquid, but I'll show them!"

When Garondin asks if this invisible man could be dangerous, Orloff asures him that the creature is obedient and he has been carefully granting it more and more freedom as it develops, to help make it a rounded individual. Orloff then explains that he had been researching the possibilities of transparency starting 20 years ago, but he found the perfect guinea pig six years ago. The man was actually, according to Orloff, subhuman, and had to die for his experiment to work. Garondin reacts with horror at Orloff's admission of murder, but Orloff sheepishly replies, "It was for science! No progress could have been made without this man!"

By restructuring the man's brain, Orloff claims he created an entirely new species that will rule man and dominate the earth, Okay, sure. Garondin is hung up on the whole "murdered a man to creaate a monster" thing, so Orloff offers him some wine and promises to tell him the whole story behind the creature's creation to show why his actions were justified.

Flashback to--via smoke and a close-up of a stuffed owl to transition--the summer six years earlier, when Cecile's weak heart got a shock and stopped beating completely. Orloff spent all night by her bedside until the servants came with the coffin to take Cecile to her grave. The servants all watch as Orloff adorns Cecile's body with jewelry--but one man and one woman get especially significant close-ups.

The two servants meet later after Cecile's coffin has been left in the family crypt. Marie (Isabel del Rio) wants to claim those jewels for herself, while Roland (Fernando Sancho) the gamekeeper wants her to marry him. She tells him that she could never marry him because he's a gorilla, not a man--and then she undresses in the mirror in front of him to tease him before slipping a nightgown over her naked body. She then tells him she will only marry him if he goes and steals the jewels from Cecile's coffin.

Roland takes very little convincing, planting a kiss on her and then rushing off--and then she changes out of the nightgown and back into her clothes. Well, I suppose if you ahve an actress willing to do full frontal nudity, you get as much as you can out of her. She's actually getting dressed so she can go with her schlubby accomplice, even though that had not been established as the plan.

"I'm sorry, my family is very traditional--I can only accept a marriage proposal if the ring was stolen from a corpse."

The pair head into the cemetery at "night," dodging owl sound effects as they go. They get into the crypt and successfully pry open Cecile's coffin and loot her corpse--only to find one ring won't come off. Marie hands Roland a knife to cut off the finger, but then Cecile regains consciousness and Roland freaks out and stabs her in the ribs before both servants flee. So you can imagine the mix of surprise and anger that Orloff feels when his daughter stumbles back into her bedroom and tells him that she was attacked by Roland in pursuit of her jewels.

After sending for a doctor, Orloff bashes Roland's door in and confronts him with the pistol. Roland begs his innocence, which does not fly. Orloff marches the man through the whole damn castle, finally leading him to the obligatory dungeon. He forces Roland into a cell, knocking him out in the process, and then chains him to the wall. Roland wakes up and, begging for his life, tells Orloff it was all Marie's idea. Well, that doesn't help his situation--especially since Marie has skipped town.

So, Orloff gives Marie's scarf to his huntsman and orderd the man to have his dogs hunt her down lik an animal. Marie foolishly paused to admire her jewelry by a pond, so when she hears the dogs approaching it's too late. She stumbles and falls, and Orloff finds her that way with the bag of jewels beside her. He whips her until her shirt falls off, naturally, and then orders her back to the castle. Thus endeth the flashback. You might have noticed that at no point did this flashback explain where Orloff got his monster from.

Well, to be fair, Orloff mentions now that, "At first I wanted to murder the guard: instead, I experimented on him." However, that's about the only reference to the monster's origin connected to that flashback. Orloff, to Garondin's horror, tells him that Cecile was driven mad by the ordeal six years ago and is still insane now. He then offers Garondin his hospitality for the night, at least until the storm passes, which Garondin graciously accepts as the invisible man helpfully opens the door and carries the lantern for them as Orloff leads his guest to his room.

Orloff wishes Garondin to, "Sleep well," but Garondin just replies, "I doubt it." And that's even before he discovers the room has no working fire place and wraps himself in his cloak to stay wamr as he settles into a chair to try and sleep. as the various creepy portraits stare at him. Orloff, meanwhile, signals for his servants. The servant ominously tells the maid to get up to where the master is, and she goes as if she knows she goes to her doom,

Oh, but she is going to her doom. Orloff angrily tells her she'll be punished for bringing that stranger here. Several objects in the room flip over and the terrified maid begs Orloff not to let the invisible man punish her. Orloff is unmoved by her plea, as she flees down to the lab. Her shirt has been torn open by the time she arrives there, desperately watching for an attacker that isn't visible. Yes, things are about to go in that kind of direction as the invisible man grabs her and drags her away.

Garondin hears the maid scream, which wakes him out of his fitful sleep. Orloff stands over the unconscious maid, stretched out on a mound of straw in the dungeon. "She's yours," Orloff intones. And so the invisible man strips her naked, which causes her to wake up, and then rapes her. Now, even tastefully done rape scenes tend to still be pretty tasteless, and there is no way around the fact that this is not done tastefully. However, it's mercifully hard to take seriously on account of the assailant not being real. In practice, the assault translates to Evane Hanska rolling around naked, with lots of close-ups of her crotch and the occasional tight zoom in on her facial reactions, which are...difficult to interpret. Though, of course, the overall sense is that she enjoys it because exploitation films don't ever actually understand how rape works.

"Wait, did the check clear yet?"

Eventually, the exhausted woman is left passed out on the straw as the satiated creature departs. Orloff, naturally, looks very satisfied with the way that went. And then Garondin uses the old "fan under the door" trick to retrieve the key to his room and go investigate the screams he heard. He ends up in the dungeon and follows the maid's whimpers--though the invisible man lightly knocks his candle out of his hand on the way.

Garondin finds Orloff standing near a man chained to the wall of a cell, which Orloff confirms to be Roland--which means that the flashback really did have nothing to do with the creation of the invisible man! Orloff explains that Roland is reponsible for finding Orloff the necessary guinea pigs for his research, and since the invisible man needs human blood to survive Roland is the one responsible for the series of disappearances in the area that no doubt turned everyone against the castle in the first place. Though I guess they're not terribly proactive villagers if they haven't gone all torches and pitchforks on Orloff yet.

Garondin then sees the maid's unconscious body and reacts in horror when Orloff explains he wanted to see how a human female would handle being with his creation. I guess the answer is "not well" because Garondin insists that without medical attention she won't last the night. (Though given this appears to be a 19th Century period piece, medical attention might kill her just as well) Orloff helpfully carries the maid's body, after telling Garondin to fetch a torch. Well, that last bit is just a ruse so the invisible man can lock Garondin in the cell. Orloff tells him that he can't let him go free after all he's seen, and then assures Garondin that he won't die in vain---though he will die in vein because he's gonna be the latest blood donor when the invisible man needs his next dose. And then Orloff carries the maid away for purposes unknown.

It's always a party at Orloff's.

Orloff's plan has one major kink in it--the invisible man barred the cell door with a wooden plank and Garondin has a torch. So, in a sequence set to bizarrely whimsical music we see Garondin burn through the plank while Orloff lounges in his study. No, there's no sign of the maid. You'd think he'd want her alive to see if his monster could reproduce, but I guess he either killed her off or just let her succumb to whatever her ailment was because we won't be seeing her again.

A freed Garondin promptly gets in a fight with a rubber bat that wasn't doing anything to him, then manages to get locked into another cell by the invisible man while trying to navigate the dungeon. Then, to his horro, he hears something squeaking for several minutes--but it turns out to only be Cecile, rescuing him from his confinement. She has a bag of flour with her, which she dusts the path behind them with as they go in order to make sure the invisible man isn't following them. Oddly, Garondin has to have this explained to him although Cecile is the one who merely suspects an invisible man exists in the castle while he knows it does.

He doesn't get much time to thank her after they get back to her room, because the door swings open on its own--and then footprints appear in the flour. Garondin throws himself in front of Cecile, only to be knocked aside. Poor Cecile is dragged into her bedroom, where the invisible man strips her naked. However, she is able to wriggle free from its grip and hide in a corner until Garondin can regain his sense. He rushes in and, seeing a chair move, tosses flour at it. This results in the revelation of a translucent ape man! And, frankly, I have to say it's not that bad an effect and I like the twist of it being an ape man as opposed to just a man.

"Oh, I'm an invisible ape man; I'm an ape, ape man..."

The beast advances on Garondin and Cecile. As the beast makes pitiful "Ooul! Ugh!" noises, Garondin grabs a fireplace poker and strikes it in the head. Here the effects fall down as, due to the obvious double exposure used, the poker is also translucent. Garondin embraces Cecile, who seems oddly unfazed by having been almost raped by an invisible ape man. She urges that they must hurry and leave before her father comes looking for them, so he drapes a cloak over her naked body--but the door she opens is billowing smoke so they have to find another exit.

And now the film takes a truly odd turn, for in the corridor the two run into Orloff. Orloff embraces his daughter, who moments ago was trying to avoid him, and explains that the invisible man no longer obeys him and set the castle on fire. Wait, so it set the castle on fire and then decided to go assault its creator's daughter? That seems to be cutting it close.

At any rate, Orloff urges his daughter and Garondin to go so that he can stay and destroy what he has created. Well, that is possibly the most abrupt mad scientist turnaround I've ever seen. Meanwhile, Roland stumbles around in the dungeon and then dies of smoke inhalation. Cecile and Garondin arrive outside and we see that the filmmakers were allowed to light some disturbingly convincing fires in many windows of the castle they were using for the exteriors,

The young couple watches the castle burn impassively for a moment, as Cecile says aloud how awful it is. Garondin points out that the important thing is that her father's creation has been destroyed and the invisible man will never come back again. Well, except that then they hear its cries of "Oogily augh, oof!" and see its footprints in the mud as it shoves aside tree branches.

Not to worry, though, the dogs have somehow gotten loose and the wheezing invisible man is set upon and devoured in a messily edited sequence. Cecile and Garondin, now confident that the beast is dead, and apparently just assuming her father is, embrace and watch the castle burn. The End.

Now we'll see who's been eating my powdered donuts!

It's tough to even know where to begin with a movie like Orloff Against The Invisible Man. Like many a European exploitation film of its era, it's a truly odd movie--but the oddest thing about it is honestly just how much it isn't odd.

You may be wondering what the hell I'm on about, having read my synopsis. However, if you truly look at the film's plot it's incredibly straightforward. A new doctor in a country town is summoned to the local spooky castle under mysterious circumstances; there he meets a young woman he can romance; he is introduced to a mad scientist and the scientist's creation; the creation turns on its creator; and the hero and his love interest escape just as the castle, mad scientist, and creation are all destroyed. It's a very standard horror movie template and in some ways this film follows it to a T.

No, where the film becomes truly odd is the ways it slavishly follows the formula and then suddenly goes off book. And I don't mean that it subverts expectations because it really, really doesn't. Rather it fulfills expectations in the weirdest ways. Like the lengthy flashback that's supposed to explain how Orloff found his invisible ape man, but doesn't explain anything at all. Or how Orloff realizes his creation must be destroyed almost immediately following a scene where he said his work was more important than any number of human lives, with nothing in between to justify his decision except that the monster doesn't listen to him any more. I mean, he doesn't even know the beast tried to assault Cecile! You'd think that would be the thing that finally brings him to his senses, but he apparently dies (off screen, no less) completely unaware that it ever happened!

The remaining oddities are basically the hallmarks of any film that apparently strives to emulate Franco or is just generally made by incompetents. There are misjudged zooms onto faces, shots that take way too long, awkward blocking, wooden acting, inexplicable excuses for nudity, and largely inappropriate music. And, naturally, I find all of these aspects delightful.

There is no question that Orloff Against The Invisible Man is not a good movie. It's largely incompetent and nonsensical, and there's no question that the lengthy rape scene--even if it is just a naked woman writhing around--will put a lot of folks off, not at all unreasonably. However, despite the fact that not a whole lot really happens in this film it's never dull and always has something either entertaining or inexplicable going on.

This is a perfect example of a good-bad movie. Even alone it's a hoot, especially some of the wacky dialogue that Howard Vernon gets, but this would be a great one to heckle in a group.

Plus, invisible ape man! How can you resist that?


Today's review, brought to you be the letter O! Hit the banner for the other Celluloid Zeroes' reviews for O!

One of the most notorious stories among fans of horror movies is of a movie called The Last Shark, an Italian horror movie meant to cash in on a Jaws. An American distributor was set to release it as Great White in the US--until Universal Studios unleashed the lawyers that had given Bruce the Shark his nickname. That movie did not make it to theaters by the time they were done, and has never been officially released in the US at all lest Universal smell blood again.

So it takes guts to try and release a film on DVD in the US as Jaws in Japan, with cover art that looks almost identical to Great White's poster!

Today on "Chumming for Lawsuits"...

Unsurprisingly, either someone at Cinema Epoch realized their error or saw a dorsal fin dragging a briefcase and retitled the film Psycho Shark. But perhaps we should have been hoping that they wouldn't be so smart.

The film opens with digital camcorder footage of two young women in bikinis cavorting in the surf off Okinawa. Sadly, King Caesar will not be appearing in this film. A third girl is apparently filming and she hands the camera off to another so she can be filmed--hilariously, this is framed so that the camera can be focused directly on their breasts as it is handed off.

Also, don't expect me to bother with names much in this review. Character names are rarely mentioned and the IMDb doesn't give a shit.

The movie that dares to recreate watching someone else's vacation footage!

We then abruptly cut to a moonlight sky, and a close-up of someone's eye looking through curtains. Sadly, this is not about to segue into a remake of Un Chien Andalou.

A girl in a towel sits in a darkened hotel room, and looks at a camcorder on a shelf. She then begins to watch the same footage we were just being subjected to. During which, we see all three girls walking back onto the beach. I have no idea if we're meant to infer from this that there is a fourth person holding the camera or if the filmmakers are just incompetent. My money is on the latter.

The TV she is watching on suddenly cuts to Poltergeist-like static before a rapid series of cuts, on the footage, shows her bloody violence being done to the girls. Bloody limbs, someone falling in a shower and leaving blood smears: the usual. The girl doesn't react to this at all, of course, because...I have no idea why.

The credits then roll over helicopter footage of a beautiful beach, while a song that I swear sounds like it wants to be a hard rock cover of the Jaws theme plays. Also, it's rarely a good sign in a film from the last decade when the visual effects credit is one guy. We get a momentary glimpse of a decent CGI shark outline in the water before the English title appears.

And now to meet our actual characters, Miki (Nomani Takizawa) and Mai (Airi Nakajima), as they ride in the bed of a pick up truck. They're clothed, but clearly headed for the beach. Their dialogue with the driver of the truck establishes that they're bumming a ride off of him, possibly even hitchhiking since they talk about almost having to sleep outside.

Of course, riding in the back is rather dull so they amuse themselves by taking turns standing up and hollering that the other is an idiot. Look, I don't know, maybe it's silly writing or maybe it's a cultural thing. They get the driver to guess where they're from and then teasingly refuse to answer when he guesses incorrectly.

And then the film reveals that it is being shot by a moron when we get a shot of clouds in the sky that goes on for way longer than it has any right to. This is followed by a shot of our heroines walking onto a beach, finding a polaroid of the girls from the opening in the sand, and then being greeted by a man who escorts them to the nearby hotel and informs them that the hotel provides their guests with free video cameras. The entire sequence is shot aimed at the sand so that all we see are feet and legs, and it stays pointed at the sand for several seconds after the scene ends.

Boy, this film sure is riveting.

Once in their room, Miki comments that it's dusty, Mai tells her not to complain, and then they both decide it's time to hit the beach after Mai does a sort of striptease to remove her sundress from her bikini. This is followed by a seven second static shot of the exterior of the hotel. Then we see from the camcorder's POV again as Mai films Miki trying to choose a swimsuit from her suitcase. Mai jokingly films Miki changing into her bathing suit beneath a towel, but quickly shifts gears to swinging the camera all around the room like she's recreating The Blair Witch Project.

They talk about finding hot guys and Mai mentions a guy they met earlier named Kenji. Miki again objects to Mai filming her changing--even though, thanks to bad white balancing and poor angles, Miki is but a silhouette against the sunny window--so Mai decides to film the room's radio. I can't object to Mai calling the radio "ancient retro" since it looks almost as old as I am.

The film, apropos of nothing, shifts to an angle looking down from the corner of the room so we are momentarily relieved of Mai's cinematography and get some almost side-boob from Miki. Then it cuts right back to Mai's filming as Miki asks for help tying the string. As soon as Mai sets the camera down to tie it, the film goes back to that other angle. And then we're back to Mai's filming for the big reveal of Miki in her bathing suit, complete with dramatic towel drop.

Look, movie, I agree that Nonami Takizawa looks great in a bikini, but we both know you only set up this grand reveal because you don't have enough story to fill ten minutes without padding every possible scene out.

I, um. I don't really have a caption here.

The girls take turns filming each other's breasts in close-up, set the camera down to pose together and make faces, and of course do multiple sexy poses because this film is the part of Michael Bay's Id that doesn't contain explosions.

Finally, they go to the beach so Mai can film Miki jiggling down the beach and running around in the surf, before Miki takes the camera to film Mai. Despite Miki's earlier claim that she was "going to swim a lot," it looks like they never go more than hip deep in the water.

And now it's time for a shower scene! The lighting in the shower is a shade of burnt orange that just kind of makes you feel grungy. If we were supposed to feel scummy here, then good work, movie! Oh, and don't get any ideas--Mai is showering in her bikini. Why? Beats me. I think this is supposed to be just a beach shower stall, but it still seems weird. It's especially odd that she soaps her breasts under the top. Maybe I'm just a silly man, but I don't think women tend to shower like this in reality.

An ominous POV cam enters the scuzzy shower building, with a sinister chord accompanying it. Mai senses she is not alone, but there's no one there when she pulls back the curtain so she goes back to showering. However, we see that there are some bare feet in the next stall. Interestingly, that weird orange coloring leaves the scene midway through so they can't even light or color time this damn thing consistently.

Somewhere, a man walks along the beach. Mai returns to the room, where Miki has hooked up the camera to the TV...just to film stuff and see it on the TV. God, even the characters are bored witless. Mai decides to go shopping since there's no food in their fridge. Miki decides to stay behind and do more filming. But even she gets bored of that and decides to try and find the remote since the TV doesn't work. What she finds, instead (dramatic musical sting!) is a camcorder tape under the bed. Mai is meanwhile talking to some guy in a Hawaiian shirt outside their room who is heading to the beach to have a barbecue. He's carrying a tray, which Mai immediately offers to help carry--no doubt because he's not a bad sight.

As they walk down the beach, Mai tells the guy that Miki is waiting for her to come back with food but there's no stores nearby. When he confirms there's nothing around, Mai gleefully says that it's just too bad for Miki. Some friend!

Now Miki watches the same vacation footage earlier, and we get to watch her be bored until she decides to fast forward. Don't give me ideas, movie! Even watching a beautiful woman looking bored is still watching someone else's boredom, but this scene continues doggedly onward. We get a brief break to watch Strange Guy grilling food while Mai watches, before we cut back to Miki jumping on the beds and looking out the window in boredom.

This movie is 70 minutes long but it feels like it takes longer than a Lord of the Rings marathon.

Mai and Strange Guy--whom I'm going to just go ahead and tell you is actually Kenji, despite the fact Mai referenced him by name earlier on in the hotel room but now acts like they just met--eat their food while a nearby camera records them. The movie insists this is ominous. And now it's time for Miki to have an ogling, but nudity-free shower scene. She hears the ominous music start up and opens the curtain--

And a series of bizarre cuts show us one of the girls from the vacation footage in the shower, bloody and crying as someone advances on her with a video camera in their hands, before throwing her to the side...and then the film cuts to her friends filming her shock after they surprised her in the shower with the video camera. The camera POV randomly jumps to diegetic and non-diegetic throughout this bit just to make it more disorienting,

The video then cuts to two of the girls being filmed while they discuss that one of them has finally found a guy she likes. They tease her about it,  The three take turns showing how they would confess their love. I start wondering if there's a video of paint drying that I could be watching instead.

Finally, we cut to two of the girls following the third with her new fella, bum bum bum, Kenji, And look, Kenji even has a Hawaiian shirt on in the footage. They follow the two, but the girl recording suddenly shouts out that the battery is going to die.

--and then Miki finishes yanking the shower curtain back. The Hell?! Satisfied she was just hearing a pointless interlude, she returns to showering.

Back in the camera footage, Kenji is filming Mai playing in the surf. Mai films Kenji playing in the surf, then her own breasts (ostensibly to show her stomach sticking out), and then they pose together. Then the tape runs out, but sadly the movie is still going. While Miki blow dries her hair, a bunch of shady guys in shorts--whose faces we never see--meet outside the hotel. One hands over a stack of camcorder tapes, promising "the usual stuff." In return he receives a small chrome shark figurine. "He'd be cute if he were this small," he muses aloud as he turns the figurine over in his hands. There are the expect assurances that they'll meet again and then they part ways.

Miki decides to continue watching the vacation footage, until she suddenly recognizes Kenji playing in the surf with the girls. As an aside, I realize everyone is complaining about how cold the water is but nobody is ever freaking swimming! It's like they're terrified of drowning if the water reaches higher than their waist. Well, maybe that fear is founded because randomly the video cuts out during a seaweed fight to show one of the girls flailing underwater before blood billows into the frame. Clearly this is not the same stock as the video camera, and indeed Miki doesn't react to it, so it's not something she's seeing.

This movie is trying my patience even before Miki rewinds and watches the whole seaweed tossing scene over again. Why?! Why must you make yourself longer, movie? Miki gets bored of watching the girls tell the camera that they don't want to go back to Tokyo and decides to take a nap. Which we watch her settle in for. Just as you're wondering if we're just gonna watch her sleep, the film segues into a dream sequence--because things have been too coherent so far, clearly.

Kenji stands in the ocean at dusk. The moon looks down. In daylight, Miki wades into the ocean where Mai is floating on an inner tube. Miki wades in up to her armpits, but then sees a CGI shark fin slicing through the water. She freezes in place and calls out to Mai to get away. Her frantic jiggling is not enough, as the underwater POV cam rushes towards the oblivious Mai--

--and Miki calmly wakes up, turning to see Mai sleeping on the other bed. I am astounded that they didn't pull the jerking awake trope. Fade to black for longer than necessary, before we see an older man in a Hawaiian shirt carrying a bucket away from the water. This is...sinister? Miki wakes up alone, goes to get some tea from the fridge, and sees the camera is missing. She goes outside and finds it just lying on a step, apparently left by Mai. So she picks it up and watches the last footage we saw of Mai and Kenji--before the footage shifts to Kenji and the girl he was romancing earlier. Never mind that Mai stopped filming because the tape had run out.

As her friends watch and record, Kenji walks the girl out to the end of a rocky jetty--and then pulls out a knife and stabs her in the stomach. Some heavy metal music kicks up before the other girls apparently run away and the tape ends. Mai walks up just then so Miki tries to show her what she just watched. However, she can't cue it up to the right spot so Mai accuses her of just being jealous. As Miki continues to try and persuade her, Kenji shows up and Mai walks away with him--only pausing long enough to tell Miki to just go on home because she is going to stay. Miki watches helplessly as her friend walks off with an apparent murderer.

Miki lies down in bed, then is replaced by one of the girls from the opening. That girl gets up and then we see basically all the camera footage repeated but from the perspective of the movie instead of the on-screen camera and all MOS: the three girls playing in the surf, Miki and Mai in the hotel room picking out swimsuits, and then Miki and Mai frolicking in the surf. I'm only slightly ashamed that I don't mind this so much because the film randomly decides to employ slow-motion as Miki bounces in the surf. Yes, I'm apparently 13.

Then the film just starts jumping around between Mai and Kenji and the three girls--because apparently this is all happening in Miki's head. So now she gets off the bed. As Mai and Kenji head out to that same jetty, Miki watches the tape of Kenji murdering the girl again. This time the tape continues and she sees the girl's friends rush over to where kenji is, indeed, standing over her dead body with a knife. He calmly turns and seemingly stabs one of them, before rubbing blood on her and throwing her in the ocean to apparently be devoured by the as-yet-unseen shark. The other he tracks down to the showers, where he films himself bashing her head against the wall. He then drags her to the ocean as night falls, before stabbing her and throwing her in for the shark as well.

Enough finally being enough, Miki drops the camera and runs down the beach. At the end of the jetty, Kenji asks Mai to close her eyes. When she agrees, he pulls out his knife and rubs it along her stomach as a CGI dorsal fin approaches their position, Kenji takes his sweet time rubbing the knife all over Mai, who somehow never realizes it's a knife until he finally cuts her. Miki then comes jiggling to the attempted rescue, but she is out of breath when she arrives and Kenji is able to taunt her with her wounded friend.

Until Miki summons the energy to rush down the jetty and easily push Kenji into the water. Which he totally lets happen, I might add, by standing around like a dumbass. Miki and Mai silently watch the now-still water, and then turn to flee--only to see their escape is cut off by the older man in a Hawaiian shirt, apparently the hotel manager, who is tossing a tape in his hands. He puts it into a camcorder and advances on them as a soaking wet Kenji emerges from the ocean in a plainly foul mood. A metal song picks up as he advances on Miki and Mai, who are just staring in...vague disinterest? Fear? Hope that the movie is almost over?

And then...oh boy.

Something rises out of the water behind Kenji. He turns and stares in horror as a shadow falls over him. Mai reacts by cocking one eyebrow in disbelief, before the shadow falls on her and her skepticism turns to fear and she turns to run. Miki's face doesn't really register anything as she sizes up the shadow looming over her before turning and running, And then we see an awful CGI shark head the size of Godzilla rising over the jetty as the girls flee but the guys stand and stare.

"Run run run run run away / Psycho Shark / Qu'est-ce que c'est / fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far shittier"

Yeah. Anyway, Mai falls and Miki turns to call for her, only to hear a loud splash. She turns to look at...

...for the love of...

...as the creep with the camera gleefully records, the giant shark gracefully swoops down from the sky and swallows Miki up in its jaws. Then the camera skitters across the rocks before being splashed with a fountain of blood.

You know, at first I was skeptical of a gritty reboot of Free Willy, but...

So. That happened.

Rather than mercifully end there, we watch as a hermit crab crawls by the camera. The camera randomly switches on to show Mai and Miki addressing it, talking about how they're going to swim and make so many memories. Then it switches back off and a person picks it up. And we're back to the dark hotel room from the prologue as the creepy girl watches the footage of Miki bouncing up and down in the surf one more time, and we close on static. The Goddamn End.

I honestly don't know what anyone was thinking in the production of this movie, Well, okay, I do. For starters, Nomani Takizawa is what's known as a "gravure idol" in Japan, what we here might simply call a swimsuit model. As with many gravure idols that I've encountered, Takizawa is incredibly busty, and someone wanted an excuse to film her running up and down a beach in a skimpy bikini.

That much I understand, but there is already a market for DVDs that are basically nothing but that in Japan. So I have no idea why someone decided they needed to make a narrative film around it, much less...whatever the hell this movie is.

For one thing, both its titles are selling something it doesn't really deliver on until the very end of the movie. Jaws in Japan or Psycho Shark, either way you're promised a shark and you won't be getting one until the movie is almost finished. Hell, the shark is only briefly alluded to by the hotel manager in the figurine bit and in Miki's dream sequence. You could cut the shark out entirely and it would do nothing but deprive the film of a totally bonkers climax.

It's hard to say that there's even more of a focus on the "Psycho" part of the US title, because the build-up to that reveal is bungled so terribly. Maybe the filmmakers thought random shots of violence would build tension, but when the rest of your film is just your main characters watching someone else's vacation footage when they're not making their own--the only tension being built is the viewer wondering when the film is going to get on with it.

As for the characters, well, it's kind of impossible not to sympathize with Miki--even beyond the fact that years of Godzilla watching have automatically endeared me to anyone named Miki. She's cute, she seems genuinely nice, and she clearly is not enjoying the way her so-called friend is treating her on their vacation but still cares enough about Mai to try and save her life. It would almost be tragic that her compassion ends up getting her killed if her death wasn't too cartoonish to take seriously.

However, the fact that we sort of care about Miki is the closest the film comes to making its characters engaging. It's not the actors' fault, really. Considering most of them are models and not actors, none of the women characters deliver bad performances. The trouble is that for most of the film they're basically just being asked to frolic on the beach, so it doesn't matter how well they do it: I don't care about watching it.

I honestly can't imagine that even in Japan people are so desperate to see footage of attractive women in bikinis that they'll watch this. Maybe before the internet made far more graphic stuff available, this would be the sort of thing a desperate horny teenager might rent to appeal to their lust. However, in 2009 this film was roughly 15 years too late to effectively serve that purpose. And if you read my description of the "plot" above, you can see that that is exactly what the film's purpose was intended to be.

Ultimately, Miki has the right idea. If you feel the need to actually watch this movie, just fast forward through the boring bits. You can probably watch the movie in about 5 minutes that way and you'll be a lot happier.

One last shot of Nonami Takizawa to save you the trouble of watching this

This review is brought to you by the letter P! Check out what the other Celluloid Zeroes are doing for HubrisWeen by clicking the banner above!

One of the reasons I mentioned during my Harbinger Down review that the film's mission of delivering a low-budget practical effects horror film didn't make it special is because there's already a director whose entire resume is exactly that. Not only that, but the director I speak of is also a special effects artist who is one of the few effects artists outside of cartoons who is keeping stop-motion animation alive.

I refer, of course, to one Brett Piper.

I've been rather enamored of Mr. Piper ever since I first heard of him, but sadly I also have yet to see any of his work beyond a few minutes of A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell back when it was on Netflix. His work always sounded delightful in theory but I have no idea if it was any good in practice. Sadly, this is because his work has always ended up out of print or unavailable whenever I finally heard about it.

Happily, 2015 proved to have Piper's latest opus in store for me and it was a movie about a giant killer crab. There was no way I could resist this, especially when it was so easy to get my hands on a copy!

Would my blind admiration for Brett Piper prove unfounded? Well, grab the butter and crab cracker, let's dig in to some Queen Crab to find out!

We begin with a title card setting the scene as "Crabbe Creek" in "Nowhere, U.S.A." and "Around twenty years ago..." And then my expectations plummet to zero as I see the video quality of this is about at the level of a student film.

Outside of a cabin that has a lighthouse-like tower attached to it, an angry brunette woman (M. Simone Miller, per the credits) is yelling out the door for her young daughter, Melissa Webber (Liberty Asbury). Melissa is hiding just out of sight behind the log pile. The woman goes inside and gets into an argument with her husband (Mark Polonia, one of the film's producers), who is dressed in a lab coat and talks about being in the lab all day. While we listen to ADR of them arguing, Melissa frolics on the dock in the pond nearby. At one point an eye-searing slow motion effect is applied to the footage for no real reason I can fathom.

Melissa suddenly discovers a large stop-motion crab stuck in some rocks on the edge of the pond and frees the creature. Since it makes no attempt to pinch her, she decides it shall be her friend and names it Pee-Wee. She takes it to her father's lab to show him, but her father is busy trying to make a formula that makes things grow bigger. You know, because of the dangerous trend of population increase by 2050 that won't allow for enough food. He brushes her off when she asks what crabs eat, only telling her that they're omnivorous--so Melissa grabs several grape-like fruits hanging off of the fungus growing on a small tree in her father's lab.

Melissa happily feeds the science grapes to Pee-Wee, who eagerly eats them while squeaking. And the stop-motion effects here are really good even if the insertion of them into the footage doesn't look very smooth, Melissa promises to get Pee-Wee more of the fruit from her daddy's lab.

"Two months later..." Melissa's father is mystified as to why his plant's fungus fruit is disappearing. However, when his wife screams for him to come downstairs after she discovers a crab the size of a French bulldog under the laundry basket, he doesn't make a connection and in fact he gets angry at her for implying there is one in the first place. They get into an argument while Melissa plays with Pee-Wee on the dock outside--and now I'm confused because Pee-Wee doesn't look that big, so it can't have been the crab in basement.

Unfortunately for Melissa's parents, her father spilled some chemicals when he heard her mother scream and those chemicals decide to react to one another. The result is an explosion that destroys only the tower part of the house. Could they just not afford to super-impose flames on the rest of the house? Both Melissa and Pee-Wee react in horror, though Pee-Wee's performance is more convincing. Cut to Melissa standing outside a cemetery with her Uncle Ray (Ken Van Sant). Ray comments that she's a strange little girl when she says she doesn't want to put flowers on the grave, and when she says she needs to get home to take care of her pet crab he assures her that crabs are resourceful and she needs to come stay with him for a while.

This proves to all be the pre-credits set-up and the credits roll, featuring two notable things: a "Copyright 2013" notice and a cartoon crab that looks like it escaped from the opening credits to Creature From The Haunted Sea. Now that the title card informs us we're in the present "More or less," we see a farmer discover that something has killed his cow and left a huge hole in his barn.

At the Crabbe County Sheriff's office, the we see the Sheriff is good old Uncle Ray--and he is currently annoyed at his deputy, Sonny Huggins (Rich Lounello), for doing push-ups next to him. The farmer comes in to report the incident. Sonny is sure it's a "cult thing," even after they see the barn. Ray teases him about the cult angle, as he notices strange tracks leading away from the barn that look like they were made with a post hole digger. Following the trail, they end up being startled by a warning shot from the now-adult Melissa (Michelle Simone Miller--and yes, I'm pretty sure they had her play her mom earlier and oddly credited her twice), who accuses them of trespassing and half-jokingly threatens that she still has another round in her clearly single barrel shotgun.

"I've seen Army of Darkness, I know shotguns don't have to be reloaded!"

Ray asks if she knows anything about the incident, but she claims not to. She also refuses to let them onto her property without a warrant. Ray promises to get one, but Sonny insists on trying to push on, despite Ray warning he'll end up with an ass full of buckshot--and Melissa shoots him in the ass. The gun is loaded with rock salt, so he's not seriously harmed, but he is annoyed. He's even more annoyed when Ray refuses to arrest Melissa for shooting an officer of the law. On the drive back, Sonny threatens to file a grievance for the preferential treatment Ray gives Melissa. However, he also suggests they make casts of the footprints to send out to Fish & Wildlife to identify, which Ray finds surprisingly astute.

The cast reveals something curved and pointed--almost like a crab's leg, you might say. Of course, neither of them make that connection at this point. Meanwhile, a blonde woman (Kathryn Metz) is pulls up to the ruins of Melissa's old house. She gets out to look at the house, which is still somehow standing despite the unrepaired fire damage--and then we see her pulling up to a road house at night, She orders a white wine from the barkeep, Moe (Steve Diasparra), who actually has clear knowledge of wines. Comedy! She tries to deflect his questions about why she looks familiar, only for another patron to recognize her as Jennifer Kane, star of "Lesbian Vampires From Mars", which is somehow not a real movie. Travesty of justice, I tells ya!

Jennifer claims she's actually not the actress at all and is looking for her friend, one Melissa Webber. Sonny then appears, saying he knows where Melissa is because she took a shot at him earlier in the day. Jennifer claims to be a college friend of Melissa, but Sonny counters that Melissa has never left the town in her whole life. And then Sonny aggressively puts the moves on Jennifer. He gets an elbow to the face for it, When Jennifer rushes out the door, Sonny chases her and she's forced to mace him before speeding off.

Jennifer heads back to Melissa's property, only to find a trail of clothes leading out to the pond in the woods. And then she sees Melissa on the far bank, dancing naked in the moonlight--though obviously wearing a bodysuit. Jennifer decides to hang back, and thus misses seeing the enormous crab surface in the pond. When Melissa makes her way back, putting clothes on as she goes, she is shocked to see Jennifer emerge from the trees. It takes a bit of talking to finally jog Melissa's memory--it seems that Jennifer was a high school friend who moved away.

When she finally gets Melissa to invite her back to Melissa's home, it comes out that Melissa is still rather bitter about her friend moving away. Jennifer counters that she tried to stay in touch but Melissa doesn't own a phone and never got any of the letters Jennifer sent. It turns out that Melissa also doesn't own a TV so she's never encountered her friend's movies, and is rather confused as to why she would choose to visit since it required going 600 miles out of her way. Melissa has about decided to give up on reconnecting, when Melissa finally softens up and begs her to stay with her after all.

The next morning, Ray and Sonny have a "comical" scene where Ray gets a phone call informing him the State Wildlife department is sending someone to follow up on their footprints and Sonny won't stop trying to interrupt the call. Oh, and he intentionally got Ray the wrong sandwich to try and make him healthier. Back at Melissa's house, she and Jennifer attempt to reconnect as Jennifer sunbathes out front. Melissa asks her how she can handle taking her clothes off in movies, eventually concluding she could never do that. Jennifer asks what Melissa does do, then, since she seems to support herself just fine. Melissa tries to deflect the question, but basically just mentions living on the money her parents left behind. Jennifer suggests they go out that night, which Melissa reluctantly agrees to.

"So, did you have to become a real lesbian vampire for that movie?"

Meanwhile, the state wildlife rep, Stewart MacKendrick (A.J. Delucia) arrives to see Ray. He's reluctant to explain why he's so eager to get to the site of the footprints, but Ray refuses to take him until he explains why it's so urgent. Stewart relents and explains that the footprints belong to what appears to be an enormous freshwater crab. A crab of such size is alarming, but the possibility of it breeding is even moreso--luckily freshwater crabs don't lay many eggs, but they are extremely protective of them.

However, even Stewart finds it hard to believe at first that the crab could have done the damage to the barn when he sees it. To his great consternation, he realizes the larger tracks have small ones accompanying them. Following the tracks alone, since Ray had business elsewhere, he finds several empty egg cases the size of footballs--and then the shed exoskeleton of a crab with a shell that's a good eight feet across. Unfortunately, he is only able to snap a few cellphone photos before he runs afoul of a cigar-chomping middle-aged woman wielding a shotgun, Sally Rae Rooney (Yolie Canales), who runs him off the property before he can explain himself.

That night, at the Road House, Daisy (Danielle Donahue) comes in from a bad date. Based on the snide comments from the other patrons she has a reputation as either a promiscuous woman or a prostitute. She orders a martini from Moe, but he utterly messes it up. Apparently, this happens every time she orders one from him. Disgusted, she tries to see if anyone there can give her a ride home, but the only one who offers is Sketch (Houston Baker), and she declines because he's known as an awful driver. Daisy decides walking is her only option.

To her surprise, Moe ends up pulling up alongside her to offer her a lift. Only, it turns out that he really wants is for her to give him a ride, if you follow me. She refuses, seeing as how he's married. When he offers her $50 she angrily tears up the bill in his face, since she's never taken money for sex in her life and has no interest in starting now. He keeps pushing the issue, beginning to get almost violent. So she shoves him off and flees into the woods. Unfortunately, he follows her.

However, it proves more unfortunate for him. He runs afoul of several raccoon-sized stop-motion crabs. For some reason, both Moe and Daisy think they're spiders (!), perhaps as a reference to Piper's earlier film, Arachnia. The crabs knock Moe down and tear at his flesh, killing him, and then they feast on his corpse. Daisy flees and Sketch almost runs her over. He loads her safely into his car and then deliberately runs over as many crabs as he can--until their enormous mother charges onto the road in front of him. Sketch just barely succeeds in steering around the beast, leaving it to mourn its crushed offspring.

Meanwhile, Stewart is finding the service at the bar rather disappointing since Moe left a local mechanic in charge of the bar--and apparently he can't tell tequila and scotch apart. Melissa and Jennifer enter the bar then, and Jennifer starts up a conversation with Stewart. However, Melissa is still unsure about being there--and she gets more unsure when she hears Stewart mention that he's looking for a giant crab.

Unfortunately for all involved, Sonny then shows up and tries to arrest Jennifer and Melissa. Stewart intervenes and gets socked in the jaw, but after Sonny backhands Melissa it's Jennifer who tells him to take it outside. And, naturally, she kicks his ass. However, the celebration is interrupted when Sketch drives up with Daisy and announces that they were just attacked by a giant crab that ate Moe. Stewart demands to see where Sketch saw them and Sketch sort of happily obliges--after being offered $50, anyway. Melissa meanwhile freaks out and demands Jennifer take her home, while a battered Sonny impotently demands someone tell him what's going on.

Stewart and Sketch end up at the place where Stewart found the exoskeleton and egg cases. When Stewart asks if eggs means there's a male crab out there as big as the one that nearly ran him off the road, Stewart explains that actually in crabs sperm can lay dormant for up to years after mating. Sketch quips that it's a good thing it doesn't work that way in humans, and then they have to hide as the crab shows up. She lays several more eggs and then wanders away--though nobody ever explains why she's laying them in an open field instead of in the pond.

And then old Rooney arrives, but since she knows Sketch, she doesn't try to shoot Stewart this time. However, once she hears that the eggs belong to a giant crab, she shoots them before Stewart cans top her. The furious mother crab comes charging back and it turns out that shells don't harm it at all, as it crushes Rooney's left arm in one claw. Sketch and Stewart immediately abandon her to her fate to flee back to Sketch's car. Rooney flees back to her farm with the crab in pursuit, and ducks into a shed to get more shells. Unfortunately, the crab makes short work of the wall between it and the person that destroyed its young. Rooney is lifted out in its claws and then pounded to death.

"Give me all your coconuts and nobody gets hurt!"

Melissa confesses to Jennifer that the giant crab was her pet for the last twenty years and all she knows is that her father's experiments made it big. However, Goliath (since she couldn't keep calling it "Pee-Wee") has always been gentle. Ray and Sonny show up around then and when Melissa tries to stop them from going to the pond, Ray has Sonny cuff Melissa and take her back to town. Jennifer mentions to Ray that Melissa claimed that the crab never even left the pond before, but Ray counters that all the ponds in the area are connected by underwater caverns, so it could have gone anywhere it wanted without her knowing.

In the sheriff's jeep, Sonny gets freaked out because Melissa has closed her eyes and gone silent in meditation. It turns out that she is psychically calling to Goliath (!) and it rises from a pond and intercepts the jeep, forcing Sonny to crash. Sonny flees on foot, climbing up a cliff face and mocking the crab for being unable to follow. Big mistake, for it follows him just fine. And soon Sonny is being torn in two.

Goliath returns to break Melissa's cuffs, but then it turns and starts smashing the jeep to pieces. She finally calms the creature down and climbs onto its back, directing it to head back to the pond. Sketch and Stewart pull up beside the wrecked jeep--which is very clearly not in the same area it was before--and then they both see Goliath in the distance, with Melissa meditating on its back.  Somehow they find their way to Ray and tell him what they saw. Ray has a contact with the military but he knows it'll take too long to get a response and they need to intercept the crab now. So he calls up a local he busted for keeping military hardware.

Before you know it a tank and a bunch of rednecks with bazookas and rifles are laying in wait. The tank driving redneck is doing a crossword because the only thing funnier than a redneck is a smart one, right? Well, naturally Melissa tries to stop the posse from shooting, but Stewart tackles her out of the way to keep her from being shot as well. Even the tank fire doesn't do more than terrify the crab--possibly because the shots keep missing--and it retreats back into the pond.

Well, Ray has gotten through to his military contact and some planes will be bombing the pond in just a few hours. Stewart takes Melissa and Jennifer back to Melissa's house, where he starts to side with Melissa. After all, nobody ever even knew Goliath was there for twenty years, right? The baby crabs were the dangerous ones and they're all gone, since Stewart's sure Goliath doesn't have any more eggs in her. (The "her" part is news to Melissa) And the people Goliath killed were only those that were aggressive toward it. Plus, it'd be a shame to kill the beast before he could study it.

So Jennifer ends up following along with the plan to take the shed exoskeleton, tie it to a log at the bottom of the pond after swimming it through one of the underwater caverns--the film glosses over how the hell they intend to pull that part off, for some reason--where it will be blown apart by the bombs and it will look like the crab was killed.

I don't know if Goliath coming out of the pond to kill one of the posse before being driven back into the pond by their fire was part of the plan, but that's what the crab does just as the F-18s fly by and fire missiles into the pond. Sure enough, the empty shell floats to the surface and Stewart and Ray declare the beast dead.

A few months later, however, Melissa is swimming in the pond and when she goes to sun herself a shadow falls over her. She looks up, smiling, and then caresses a giant crab claw lovingly. A final title card declares, "And they lived happily ever after..." The End.

"...just keep on that way and if you hit the giant crab, you've gone too far. Also, it will eat you, so just don't hit it."

Oof. As I alluded to earlier, Brett Piper has a reputation for delivering enjoyable genre films on pocket change budgets. However, it seems that my misfortune is to so far only have encountered his films where he failed to do that. What I saw of A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell was not super promising, and Queen Crab manages to be even worse that.

I mean, I'll give Queen Crab the fact that it never gets as painfully dull as Psycho Shark, but it sure isn't for lack of trying. I totally understand that the film's stop-motion crabs would be too expensive to feature much more than they do, but when the crab isn't on film everything kind of grinds to a halt. There's simply no B Plot, and given how long it takes for the A Plot to actually become relevant, that's a problem. Hell, this film could actually benefit from the inexplicable liquor store robber subplot from The Crater Lake Monster!

Speaking of which, this film makes me think I was a bit too hard on that film's comic relief rednecks. At least that was mainly two actually good actors who played off each other well, who just got stuck with material that didn't know when to end. This film features a wide variety of actors who are all being awful in different ways reading lifeless dialogue at each other. Seriously, the performances range from competent actors who aren't being given proper direction to some folks who would be considered hams in community theater to people who just simply cannot act at all. This stunning mixture of different kinds of incompetence is almost entertaining in and of itself.

However, as I said, there's just nothing in the film's human story to engage you. Seeing as how I always root for the monster, I should sympathize with Melissa's desire to save the giant crab. However, I really just don't give a shit. I mean, sure, the crab is the best actor in the film, but that doesn't mean I feel like it deserves the sudden Lake Placid ending--especially since Melissa should be the one who sells me on the creature deserving redemption, and I don't feel anything for her, so why should I care about the crab? And really, it does kind of come down to the fact that this movie does badly want to follow the same formula Lake Placid set down, but that film actually had charismatic actors who were capable of making David E. Kelley's screenplay as clever as it thought it was. This film's script is barely even trying for clever and its actors are definitely not able to elevate it,

So, what about the reason we're all here--how's the crab? I have to say, the animation on the crabs is superb. It's not exactly Ray Harryhausen, but it's almost on par with David Allen. The techniques to super-impose it into the live-action footage are less than stellar, however, and the film's other effects are pretty terrible. However, there is a definite charm to them that most current low-budget monster films lack. I also have to give the film credit for at least attempting to make the cover art not wildly misleading.

Unfortunately, I simply can't recommend something just because it has some pretty good stop-motion animation in it. This film is dull, unengaging, and at several points gave me unpleasant flashbacks to my time in film school. I once had a group project requiring us to film in sequence that I shot outdoors on a sunny day with snow on the ground before I knew how to fully work the camera I'd borrowed, and it was white balanced better than several scenes in this film!

I'm hardly going to swear off Brett Piper for good, of course. By reoutation, a lot of his earlier films are a blast, so I'll have to give them a spin whenever I can. Maybe this was just a prohect made when he was off his game, it happens to the best of us. And if nothing else, I have to respect his dedication to keeping stop-motion animation alive.

Still, if this is the kind of movie I can expect to see stop-motion animation being showcased in going forward, perhaps the technique deserves to be relegated to nostalgia and kid's movies.


This review is brought to you by the letter Q! Check out what the other Celluloid Zeroes are doing for HubrisWeen by clicking the banner above!

Edward D. Wood, Jr. is the gift that never stops giving. Most of us think of his marvelous work as a director, but he also gave us many a gem as merely a screenwriter.

Sadly, while I've only seen a couple of Wood's infamous directorial outings, I had also never managed to see any of the films he merely wrote. That simply wouldn't do, especially not when I knew one of them was about a mad scientsit who creates a Venus Flytrap-man! I mean, how could I live with myself if I passed that one up?

Well, okay, I'd sleep just as well if I never laid eyes on it at all, but let's pretend I was dying to rectify this oversight.

The film's credits are pretty plain titles that roll over pastoral orchestral music, like I'm about to see Godzilla step on Bambi. (Also, it looks like Ed Wood is credited as "Ruben Canoy" here, but that's apparently because the credits are actually for the wrong movie because this was to be double feature with Mad Doctor of Blood Island and the credits were never fixed for solo distribution) Then, fittingly, we open with Dr. Bragan (James Craig) seated behind a desk as a lightning storm brews outside his window. He awkwardly answers a phone and then answers an unheard question, which apparently was giving the okay for Dr. Paul Nakamura (James Yagi, better known as the Japanese reporter in the American insert shots for King Kong vs. Godzilla) to be shown in.

In order to show that Bragan's mind is scattered at present, he makes a big show of having forgotten any cigarettes. Nakamura's response is to say, "Dr. Bragan, I'm a non-smoker!" in the most oddly agonized way. Nakamura has brought a map with him and he talks about the storm moving in, and then we see--thanks to Bragan's pacing--that outside the window is a painting of a rocket base. Nakamura confirms that the launch (actually, Yagi says "liftoff to countdown") is still scheduled to go, even so.

Hilariously, Bragan then belllows, "How in the hell can anyone be so utterly stupid--as to build a rocket base on the coast of Florida?!" He sounds a bit like John Goodman yelling about the importance of following the rules in bowling. He then gets angry when Nakamura suggests another date ("Dates! Dates!") because he's sick of delaying launch. He's then overcome by a headache and has to sit down, which is apparently a pretty regular occurrence. However, his mood changes when he gets a call and then doesn't bother to explain to Nakamura what it was about until the other man prods him for information. Seems the storm has decided to change direction, leaving them with just enough time to spare to go forward with the launch.



"Actually, Dr. Bragan, this was your idea--" "Quiet!"

Cue stock footage of mission control and then a rocket taking off on a clear, sunny day. Hilariously, immediately after the launch we cut to Nakamura excitedly shutting off the television that he and Bragan were watching and excitedly congratulating his colleague on his success. Bragan counters that there are still months ahead on the journey (well, yes, surely they are sending the rocket somewhere), but Nakamura says that they should focus on how all the past failures and frustrations are behind them now. "True, true," Bragan replies as he rests his chin on his hand and stock footage plays over his face.

Cut to, hilariously, Nakamura consulting with Dr. Shannon (Edward M. Shannon) and Dr. Stanley (John Stanley) literally five feet away from Bragan before he decides that Bragan ought to be in on this. And, oh my God, clearly James Craig realized what a shit script he'd been given because when he's told there could be some errors in their calculations, he replies, "Could be? Could be, Doctor Stanley?" and enunciates each word like a Bond villain. Hollering that a tiny miscalculation could send the rocket a million miles off course, he demands they be fixed and then is overcome with another headache and collapses.

"Could be, Dr. Stanley? Well, I could be murdering your family tonight!"

Later, Nakamura fixes a calmer Bragan a drink. He suggests that, since Bragan has been at this project for 5 years, maybe he needs a vacation. Say, hasn't Bragan always wanted to visit Nakamura's country? Indeed, as Bragan explains to Nakamura that he actually specialized in botany and was set to go to Japan just before the war. (I'm guessing he means World War II, but you never know) Since then, botany has taken a backseat to mathematics in his disciplines. And, oh man, how much cooler would The Martian have been if Matt Damon decided to grow a Venus Flytrap monster instead of potatoes?

Well, it doesn't take much more prodding from Nakamura before Bragan is convinced that he should go to Japan for the summer. Nakamura's cousin will meet him at the airport when he arrives, but Bragan is going to take a relaxing drive up the Eastern coast of America to the airport first. And yes, this means that all that nonsense about rocket missions has nothing to do with our main plot. I find that oddly delightful,

Well, to sound bizarrely wacky music, Bragan suddenly encounters car trouble and has to pull in to a garage. Unable to get any answers from anybody, he pulls open one of the garage doors and comes face-to-face with the owner of the gas station (Al Ricketts), who is holding two snakes when he and Bragan almost bump into one another. And for the life of me, I can't figure out if the owner is supposed to be in blackface or if he's just supposed to be a hick stereotype that has engine grease on his face. He sets the snakes, which he tells a horrified Bragan are poisonous, in a nearby bx. The owner then says he'll look at Bragan's car while Bragan looks at the snakes. He's even got a lovely coral snake, he says.

"Don't worry, they've just had their bourbon."

Bragan avers that snakes have never been of any interest to him, but the owner counters, "Snakes is of interest to everybody!" Well, he's got a point there. So Bragan, chuckling, goes to look at the snakes--which prove to mainly be in jars inside the barn. Boo, I say! What catches his eye, though, is a Venus flytrap. When the owner comes back to tell him that the issue is a clogged fuel line and he'll have it fixed in a spell, Bragan asks if the flytrap is for sale. The owner refuses because it's too small to sell (not really, but okay) and tells Bragan to take a shovel and help himself to any of the flytraps that are growing in the swamp out back--but to watch for snakes.

Bragan pauses in his search for flytraps to use the shovel to fling away a poor snake that was minding its own business, then scoops up some dirt to fill the bucket he has under his arm. Cut to Bragan's car heading down the road, then fade to the exterior shot of a plane, and then Bragan inside the plane. Apparently Bragan is completely unconcerned about the possibility of customs having an issue with him bringing plants to Japan. Hilariously, a stewardess sees him poking at the flytrap and says he's lucky it's so small because a big one could take an arm off. Bragan agrees that it could, yes, which seems to start the mad scientist gears in his brain to clicking.

Amazingly, Bragan passes through customs and is greeted by Noriko Hanamura (Atsuko Rome), Nakamura's cousin who turns out to be babelier than Bragan was expecting. Which he tells her to her face, in fact, but she's either into it or playing along in hopes he won't get creepier. Noriko will serve him as his assistant and guide, so he puts her to work at once finding a place for dinner--which proves to be a lovely little establishment with a beautiful view of the edge of a forest. Bragan abruptly stops the waitress from taking the box with his flytrap in it, though, which makes things a little awkward.

Bragan politely defers from telling Noriko what's in the box, so she explains that her cousin thought he might want to continue his botany and so her university has graciously offered him the use of their labs and greenhouse, Bragan tahnks her, but prefers something more secluded. Luckily, Noriko mentions that her family owns a series of luxury resorts and she knows just the place. One of their hotels high in the mountains near Karuizawa has been abandoned for years (!) and she is sure that her father would want Bragan to use it. though she cautions that the roads to get there are very bad.

And away Bragan goes! Time for some travelogue footage! Bragan and Noriko drive through the admittedly beautiful countryside in a convertible, As Noriko teases Bragan about having to accept her navigation, two hilarious things happen. First, a rockslide of patently foam boulders blocks the road, and Bragan gets out to try and move them while Noriko explains that the resort was abandoned because it just needed a new road but the cost was too much. Second, the nearby volcano, Mount Asama, explosively erupts! Neither character is terribly alarmed by this turn of events and Noriko explains that Mount Asama was another reason the resort was abandoned, as if there aren't tons of resorts near active volcanoes in the Pacific rim.

They drive on and I swear the amount of camera shake in this sequence could give someone with motion sickness serious nausea. They arrive at the resort, which Bragan is immediately delighted by--until he suddenly has to save Noriko from some falling tiles. The source is the resort's caretaker, up on the roof, whom they have startled. Naturally, the caretaker looks like a Japanese version of Igor because of course he does. Then the ground shakes due to another explosion over at Mount Asama, but Noriko assures Bragan that most of the rooms are still furnished so they'll be comfortable there. And then, I swear to God this happens, Noriko, holding a candelabra, shows Bragan to the dining room where the caretaker is playing "Tocata and Fugue in D Minor" on an organ. He quits when he sees them enter and then he limps away.

"Look, I do a lot of Captain Nemo cosplaying on weekends, okay?"

The two briefly discuss how odd the caretaker is. Noriko offers to get rid of him if Bragan would prefer, but Bragan assures her that's not necessary. He shouldn't be a bother and, anyway, he can't help looking weird. Noriko thinks the caretaker took this job to get away from people staring at him. At that, Bragan begs his leave of her and heads to his room to rest for the night. As a storm brews outside, he looks through a book on Venus flytraps to ominous music!

The next day, Bragan and Noriko encounter the caretaker and his watchdog before Noriko shows him the greenhouse, which is in excellent condition since the caretaker is a bit of a gardener himself. As Bragan sets to work in setting up his plants, the caretaker fusses over a dog in the greenhouse and when Noriko tells Bragan the dog is going to have puppies, he turns back into his old, blustering, shouting self because "I have more important things on my mind than dogs, please!" And then he storms out of the greenhouse, carrying his box.

Wow, okay, grouchy.

Those "more important things" include getting the caretaker to help him rig up a lightning rod and cables.Then he has Noriko and the caretaker help him set a table just right with the box on it--and when Noriko notices the puppy chasing what appears to be a grasshopper (note that the dog's head is clearly being shoved towards the bug by someone offscreen and it obviously has no actual interest in bug chasing), Bragan angrily tells her not to kill the bug before scooping it up and dropping it in the box to feed the flytrap. This oddly shocks Noriko and delights the caretaker.

That night the dog wakes Noriko and she sees Bragan wandering the grounds through her window. And then she goes right back to bed. The next day, she tries to peek inside the flytrap box and Bragan goes on a rant about how nobody is to disturb the box, which culminates in him loving stroking the box and then an unnecessary rapid zoom into his face. Cue more "Tocata and Fugue" as the caretaker watches Bragan from behind a plant.

We see montages of Bragan and Noriko doing science, while the caretaker occasonally watches them. And quickly I become unable to tell when "Tocata and Fugue" is supposed to be diagetic, because sometimes it shows up to accompany the caretaker's presence and sometimes when he's not on screen at all and in theory, could be playing the organ.

Later, Norkio and Bragan are sitting and looking up at the sky after a hike. After Bragan goes on about space and the probe he's responsible for that's currently on its way to another planet, Noriko reveals she is a bit hurt that Bragan keeps shutting her out of his experiments, since she also has a background in botany. So Bragan relents and shows her his Venus flytrap, which he explains he brought all the way from Wilmington, North Carolina. The flytrap is now played by an obvious prop, which Bragan explains by saying that it was in poor health but when he planted it in a combination of mountain sand and fresh lava rocks it thrived. Considering that flytraps are swamp plants, I find that unlikely.

Bragan rants about how Darwin was obsessed with the Venus flytrap, and Noriko is astounded that it's carnivorous. How has she never heard of one before? Bragan goes on about the theory that all life on Earth started in the oceans, and somehow this proves that animals evolved from plants. (No. That is not correct, sir) He also says, at one point, "I christen thee 'Insectivorous'," which--can you christen something by the term that is already used to describe it? Then, after calling the flytrap "our little cannibal"--apparently because he does not know what "cannibal" means--he shows Noriko how the flytrap won't waste energy trying to eat an ant, which proves that flytraps can "think and reason." That's rich, considering that flytraps base their predations entirely on a series of mindless reflexes. He then says that since flytraps can think and reason, "why can't it be human?" Uh, is this a rhetorical question doc, or do I need to list the differences between a plant and a human?

More gardening montages follow! Then, at night during a thunderstorm and an attack of "Tocata and Fugue," Bragan stares out the window--and we see the flytrap with shots of rapid zoom-ins on cacti (?!) super-imposed over it as it grows. Noriko then wakes up, goes to the window, and sees Bragan wandering through the extremely Western-looking graveyard on the property--and then  again Noriko watches him for a bit and then immediately goes back to sleep. I can't fault her for prioritizing sleep, but it's a little silly. Though I don't know the meaning of silly, because Bragan has gone to the greenhouse to pep-talk his plant. Which he does by saying because it can think and feel (it can't), it must be part human. "But like all humans, you're weak!" Yeah, and have leaves and stems, like all humans! However, he assures the plant that it will "become the most powerful thing on [sic] the Universe!" Um. Sure, doc.

"Your mother was the soil...perhaps...perhaps the lighting will become your father!" LIGHTNING FLASH! That's not how paternity works, doc, but I will watch the shit out of that Maury episode.

The next day, Bragan and Noriko have to go to Tokyo for a reason that I could not discern from their dialogue but has to do with ordering equipment. On the way, Bragan asks if Noriko is familiar with the Venus vesiculosa*, and she confirms she is. It's an ocean-dwelling carnivorous plant and can, in fact, be found in Japanese waters. Well, Bragan intends to crossbreed a flytrap and a vesiculosa to create the ultimate carnivorous plant. First, he needs to learn more about it, so he makes a visit to a Tokyo aquarium (which we see him drive over to in what feels like real time) so he can briefly stare at one in what appears to be a television rather than a tank. Over dinner, Bragan plans a trip to Chiba with Noriko to find a wild specimen of this plant.

[* There is no such plant. There is something called the Aldrovana vesiculosa or the waterwheel plant, which is an aquatic carnivorous plant and does use traps similar to those of the Venus flytrap. But its common name describes its appearance--while the made-up plant in this film looks like a giant version of a hydra, which is actually an animal]

At Chiba, we discover that Bragan needs an aqualung (cue Jethro Tull), but Noriko can just hold her breath really well. Thus begins the expected uninteresting scuba diving sequence. as attractive a woman as Noriko may be, even her swimming around in a bikini doesn't make this less dull. it doesn't help that we clearly see the same octopus multiple times, either. And I love octopuses! In the end, Bragan has zero luck finding the vesiculosa. As he and Noriko lounge on the beach, she starts to walk off. Apparently, he hasn't said a word to her so she assumed he wanted to be alone. He counters that he's been up to his ears in alone time, especially under the water, and would like to have company now. He then kisses her lightly (poor girl) and says that, maybe, after his work is done there will be time for other things.

Suddenly, Noriko remembers something that sounds like "Hamas"--she explains that they're a group of female divers in the region who regularly dive deep in the ocean for abalone and oysters, deeper than any other human without artificial aid, And, wouldn't you know it, tops count as artificial aid! So quickly, Bragan is surrounded by topless women...who have never heard of his plant. Luckily, he brought a book with him that has pictures of it! So the divers and Bragan head back in and we discover that even with nudity, diving scenes are still dull. Lucio Fulci's Zombie this ain't. Luckily, they quickly find the roughly seven foot tall vesiculosa. Dunno how they missed it before! At any rate, Bragan brings it on shore to load it into...a clear coffin. Um. Okay, sure.

"Now we just have to find Prince Charming to turn the plant back into a princess!"

I also note that there's no water in the coffin, but somehow when it ends up in his lab it's floating in water. He tells Noriko that he's using injections to stimulate the plants' growth--oh, sure, that old saw--and when he feels the (now giant) flytrap is strong enough he'll fuse it with the vesiculosa. He gets a far-off stare in his eyes and says he'll be creating a new species of plant, "More human than the human element itself." What? No! That's--that's not...no! Noriko speaks for the audience when she distressedly replies that that's impossible. And old Bragan loses his temper at having the obvious pointed out to him.

He then scratches himself on the vesiculosa and refuses Noriko's attempt to treat his wound. To Noriko's horror he then sticks his arm into one of the flytrap's mouths for...some reason. He tells her it's not that dangerous as long as he pulls his arm out before the digestive juices kick in. Of course, as a botanist he should know that making a flytrap close a trap with no food in it is a great way to stress the plant and kill it. Stupid jerk. Noriko goes to pet the puppies nearby while Bragan strokes his flytrap lovingly. Look, if he tries to hump it, I'm out of here.

Bragan, with Noriko's help, then goes all Frankenstein on his plants--resulting in something under a white sheet on a gurney hooked up to huge electrodes as lightning flashes outside. I have no idea how lightning helps with creating a plant hybrid, but then I'm not a botanist. At any rate, soon cartoon lightning bolts are flashing between the electrodes like an MP3 visualizer because not everyone can hire Ken Strickfaden. And then, with the caretaker's help, the plant on the gurney is lifted to the ceiling of the greenhouse as lightning flashes and Bragan hollers his earlier words about the lightning being the plant's father in true mad scientist fashion.

Cut to morning, as the caretaker looks after his puppies and Noriko wakes Bragan up for some coffee. She asks if the sheet will be coming off the plant, which is still sitting on the now-upright gurney. Bragan assures her it will be coming off today and that the arms need exposure to sunlight--and the whole creature needs rain. After telling him it will rain, Noriko tells him he needs to eagt and rest--so it's time for Bragan to throw another fit about being nagged. Yay.

Bragan does go to the dining room to apologize, but Noriko assures him she's used to his wild mood swings by now. He thanks her being an amazing assistant, and then brings the topic back around to the work they still need to do. They have to prepare for the unveiling that night. And, naturally, when it rolls around Bragan is bitching at Noriko for being positive its' going to rain. And then Noriko notcies that the plant is moving under the sheet, the first movement since the operation. The rain begins, so the caretaker is ordered to man the pulley to lift the gurney as Bragan pulls off the sheet--and Noriko averts her eyes and screams at the sight of--

Oh good God. Imagine if the mandrake creatures from Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets went through a Rasta period. This thing looks like the less successful cousin of the plant monster from Super Inframan or like it wandered off the set of a Japanese superhero show. It has a humanoid body shape, a head with dreadlock-like tentacles on the top, a jack-o-lantern face, two arms that end in catcher's mitts with teeth to portray flytrap mouths, and legs that also terminate in mouths. And for some reason it is squealing like a pig. Bragan couldn't be happier with it and the caretaker seems pretty pleased, but Noriko swoops in to save a puppy that was sniffing at one of its foot mouths before it can be devoured. She is less pleased with the creation.

Meanwhile, at Coachella...

Well, after a fade to black we see the creature standing in the greenhouse by itself as lightning flashes. And let me tell you, lighting this thing so it's mostly in silhouette does not make it look any less ridiculous. Nearby, one of the guard dogs is going nuts. Then we see Bragan sitting close by the plant as he mutters that he does not allow failures. Suddenly, he is yelling at the plant monster, "The Earth was your mother! The rain was your blood! The lighting was your power!" Then he laughs maniacally, gets a headache, and collapses. The dog goes nuts and Noriko wakes up in bed at the sound.

The caretaker finds Bragan first and calls to Noriko. She comes to the greenhouse in her nightgown and they help Bragan back into his chair. He claims he just fell asleep watching the plant. He's upset because it's dying and he doesn't know why. Noriko says they can always start again, but he counters that he has to be back at the cape in a month and doesn't have the time. Noriko throws his own words back at him about "impossible" not being in his vocabulary. Reassured, Bragan heads back toward his bedroom--stopping, for some reason, to try to pet the guard dog that he knows doesn't like him. he nearly loses a hand for his trouble.

Meanwhile, the caretaker picks up one puppy and leaves it by the pot the plant monster is in. i don't know if he did it on purpose or not, but the plant monster sees (senses?) the dog. Naturally, the film has to rely on the creature lunging at the camera and the screen going red to indicate the attack because there is no way in hell the suit could bend enough for the monster to grab the dog on camera.

The next morning, we see the plant monster is in a great mood and we get a well-lit look at it, which was not a good idea. It has gigantic spikes on its arms, on its pecs, on its thighs, and down its belly for no apparent reason! It's also making distorted tape effect noises as it swings its arms around to--chase bugs, I guess?

Everybody was fly trap fighting / Those plants were born of lightning!

Bragan and Noriko enter the greenhouse and are astounded to discover the plant creature, hale and hearty. Bragan quickly realizes it needs food and orders the caretaker to trap mice, rabbits, and chickens, anything he can find--but then impatiently grabs a puppy. Noriko snatches the puppy away from him and snaps that she wishes the plant had died and withered away and they had buried it. Bragan snaps at her to get out and take the puppies with her. After he closes the greenhouse door, he stares at the plant and superimposed over him we see a montage of the monster using its hands to eat a rabbit, a chick, and then several rats. Given that this montage ends and then we see Bragan step away from the door, I have no idea if this was a fantasy in his head or really happening!

He does atest on the plant and discovers that its "grandular [sic] count is the same as the blood count around a human heart" and that it can feel and move. He knows it can move and by God he will make it move! I'm not sure you should be so snippy with something that has mouths for hands, doc. At any rate, Bragan decides that all he needs is the blood of a human and he can prove that man descended from plants. No, doc, you cannot prove that. Well, Bragan decides anyway that the blood of a human heart can make his plant monster walk and if he has to give it that blood, that's just what he'll do.

Well, there's only two humans nearby, so which of them is Bragan going to sacrifice? Would you believe neither? Noriko is woken up by Bragan sneaking into the woods with his medical bag--and it's a bit hilarious that as she gets up we see her nightgown strap fall off her shoulder in a titillating manner when we earlier had multiple bare breasts on display--and once again, she goes right back to sleep after seeing him doing something odd. Where is Bragn headed? It turns out that, withineasy walking distance of the resort is the Asama Sanitarium. Maybe that's another reason it closed?

It turns out to be incredibly easy to sneak into a sanitarium in Japan (insert jealousy-motivated joke about socialized medicine here). Dodging a nurse, Bragan goes into one cell where a sleeping patient has an IV hooked up to them--and manages to knock the IV jar off its holder and smash it. The nurse does not hear, so Bragan is able to continue. Naturally, his victim is a woman so we can get another flash of nipple as he injects her in the chest with a needle--which she seems, uh, kind ofinto before she passes back out--and then he siphons blood out of her directly from her heart. He doesn't take much, really, but he didn't bring all that big a bag, so I guess that's expected.

Bragan then injects the blood directly into the plant monster. He then tells it he's going to bed until they see the results of the experiment tomorrow, and calls it "Insectivorous" because he literally did mean earlier that that is its name. That's even dumber than I realized, because that means he's named his newly plant species by a term that doesn't even describe it because its diet is mainly vertebrates!

The next day, the caretaker makes the classic Igor mistake of teasing the plant monster and it grabs his face in its hands and tries to eat him. Given that they colored the hands red, this ends up looking incredibly Freudian. The caretaker escapes and Noriko and Bragan run into him on their way to the greenhouse. When Noriko explains what the caretaker said happened, Bragan assumes the caretaker provoked the plant and rushes to check on it. It seems fine and Noriko chides him, "You are no longer acting like Dr. Bragan, Scientist--you are behaving like Dr. Bragan, Madman!" She also notices he has a leather mitt covering his left hand, which he claims is to protect a cut on that hand. Noriko remains suspicious, though.

That night, with the caretaker's help, the plant is moved outdoors. Then Noriko wakes in fright when a shadow passes over her face. She hears the guard dog yelp and rushes outside. Bragan and the caretaker are already out there, trying to figure out what happened to the dog. Bragan is sure it couldn't have been the plant because the dog was chained a good fifteen feet away. But then Noriko points his attention back at the plant, which has dramatically opened its hand mouth to reveal the dog collar (I think) dangling from its teeth.

Well, that does it for Noriko: the plant is a monster and must be destroyed. Bragan counters that the plant can move of its own volition, which was the important part of his experiment and he's going to prove it tonight by watching it. Noriko, hilariously asks how a plant can move when she was the one who figured out that it could move on its own! Jesus, get it together, Noriko! she agrees to stay up all night with Bragan to watch the plant and observe it moving.

Unfortunately, it turns out the plant monster has the ability to spray mist from its head that renders humans unconscious. So it knocks them out quickly, then uproots itself--which involves a root pulling up out of the ground that serves the purpose of giving it a monkey-like tail. I'm normally all for monsters having tails, but this just somehow serves to make the monster look even sillier. For some reason it doesn't see Bragan or Noriko as food, so it walks out of the greenhouse. It wanders into a nearby village, where all the inhabitants run away in fright except for one small boy who is, for some reason, out in what I think is supposed to be the middle of the night but the day-for-night is less than convincing. The boy offers the monster his teddy bear--and then gets the red screen of death.

Well, that riles up the obligatory torch mob who pursue the beast up the mountain. Meanwhile, Bragan and Noriko wake up and realize the monster is gone. Noriko is worried that the villagers might get hurt, Bragan is worried that they'll destroy his proof of the real basis of human evolution. (That's not what you created, doc) At any rate, both rush out to try and prevent disaster. Unfortunately, they're too late for a villager walking his ox--he gets the red screen of death, too. Taking their car, Noriko and Bragan come upon the villagers banding together with their torches. She begs Bragan that he must destroy the beast, and he agrees upon seeing the devastated villagers.

However, he demands to be allowed to be the one to destroy it. He tells Noriko to stay there and keep the villagers there, while he goes up Mount Asama after collecting a goat to bait it with. Well, it's day when next we see Bragan hauling a small goat up a mountain--and Noriko is sneakily following not far behind. Here I note that bragan has a scratch on his right arm that looks like the skin around it is turning greenish, so now you have to wonder what's under that leather mitt, hmm? Bragan calls out to Insectivorous (look, stop, man, that name does not work) and tells it that he has a goat for it and that he will lead it to safety and fool the villagers, so they can continue their research in peace. As he wanders through clouds of volcanic steam, Insectivorous suddenly appears and Bragan tries to offer it the goat.

"I got you a gift! I know you loved that screaming goat version of the Taylor Swift video, so..."

Well, Insectivorous lunges at Bragan and--somehow--the twon then go tumbling over a cliff that wasn't even there a second ago. And there's footage of lava, so I'm guessing they plunged into lava. And then I literally burst out laughing when we see that the goat is completely fine and staring over the ledge, having somehow escaped the fall. And so we end with Noriko carrying the goat back down the mountain. The End.

"Look to my coming, at first light, on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East."

Wow. Wow. I have seen some doozies in my day, and that is definitely up there.

This film is so gloriously wrongheaded, you'd swear that Ed Wood not only write it but directed it as well. I mean, just look at how many of its plots add up to absolutely nothing! The whole plot about a NASA probe being sent to an alien world is solely an excuse for Bragan to be told he needs a vacation. Bragan and Noriko seem to start up a romantic relationship, only for that to go nowhere. How about the complete lack of any follow-through on the sanitarium visit? And, most hilarious of all, the film seems to be implying that Bragan is turning into a plant man at the end, only for him to be immediately killed off once the implication is made clear without even confirming if that's what's going on!

The film also makes some especially Ed Wood-esque directorial choices, like sets that look as cheap as they are and utterly random uses of stock footage and super-imposition. I also have no idea if the film's blatant use of cliches with a hunchbacked servant who plays the organ and mad science that uses lightning is supposed to be a joke or not.

There is nary a scene in this movie that won't leave you baffled. Whether it's a particulary bizarre line reading, some absurd science, or a scene that winds up a total non sequitur--this film exists to confound. It is incompetent, terrible, and utterly nonsensical.

And I love it.

This is the kind of film that makes you remember why you started watching bad movies for fun. From the fact that the film seems to believe its mad scientist's assertion that humans evolved from plants to its positively absurd monster, this film is a delight. If I had one gripe it's that we simply don't get enough of that goofy monster, since it doesn't even show up until an hour in to a 90-odd minute film. That goofy monster should have been a star, damn it!

If you're looking for a perfect movie to riff with friends or even just a cmpletely unintentional comedy for yourself, I suggest you check this one out. It shows up in a lot of cheap monster movie sets and it's also currently on YouTube, so you don't even have to go out of your way to watch it.

Unless, like all humans, you're weak and afraid of making the lighting your father.


Today's review brought to you by the letter R! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for R!

It's a pretty well-known story that Jess Franco was obsessed with Soledad Miranda. I mean, it's tough to blame him, because Miranda was a hypnotic presence on film that somehow never quite got the recognition she deserved in her tragically short life. And Franco not only made seven films with her, but had big plans in place for her that might have meant true international stardom--and then a tragic car accident took her life, just on the edge of possible glory.

I've often said that I want the ability to visit alternate realities where minor changes have taken place, particularly in pop culture. Much as I love Patrick Stewart, I want to see the universe where Yaphet Kotto was Captain Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Then I might stop by the universe where Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio got their Godzilla script filmed in the 1990s.

And then I'd make a quick detour to the universe where Soledad Miranda didn't die. Did she have great stardom ahead of her, or was she merely destined to continue to be the force that kept Jess Franco closer to actual competence? Or would she have had the infamy of getting conked in the noggin by the camera after multiple close-ups of her naked body at the opening of Female Vampire instead of Lina Romay?

Sadly, my dimension hopping machine doesn't exist, so I don't know the answer. I do know, however, that she was the star of several of the few Franco films I've seen that actually hold together pretty well as films. And She Killed In Ecstasy definitely holds together pretty well, though it is most definitely still a Jess Franco film.

Your first immediate confirmation of this is definitely the hilariously inappropriate, and catchy as hell, theme music that accompanies the opening credits. You really wouldn't normally expect such a toe-tapping, upbeat song to play over footage of fetuses in jars. We then see the truly ethereal Soledad Miranda descending the stairs that lead to a truly bizarre mansion.

It turns out Lego is a surprisingly effective basis for your blueprints.

Miranda is here playing a character only credited as "Mrs. Johnson," and she definitely seems a bit distraught at present. She stares out at the ocean as, in voiceover, she talks about how her love was taken from her after only two years of happy bliss.She flashes back to her wedding to Dr. Johnson (Fred Williams), where thy both silently stare at the altar in a church. They look more drugged than happy here, but then her voiceover ends as we see them at home as she greets him in the most outlandish skimpy outfit I think I've ever seen and they embrace and kiss passionately. Here, he asks if she is happy and replies that she is incredibly happy.

They sit on the couch and he tells her that in a week he'll hear the decision of the Medical Council. He declares them all "bigots," but with the kind of Hubris that makes someone decide to review a movie a day for 26 days, he asserts that they'll have to approve his plans. She assures him not to get too hasty, so he decides to show her his research. Like all good movie scientists, he has a lab in his house.

This is her "lounging around the house" outfit.

He explains he started with animals before moving up to human embryos. (Though what we see are, again, fetuses and not embryos) He basically used hormones and injections to develop human organisms that are more resistant to disease and the decline of age. Basically, he's created super-humans. Like a good spouse, she does a lot of smiling and nodding to pretend she cares about his work.

And then they make love. No, not in the lab, this is in their bedroom. Her voiceover returns to explain how passionate their love was, how it merged them together as one. Alas, his jopes for the future all rested in the hands of a few people. ...and then the jaunty them returns as we see footage of a city on gorgeous coastline, with lots of beachfront.

Dr. Johnson is summoned before the Medical Council, which consists of Prof. Jonathan Walker (Howard Vernon, unsurprisingly), Dr. Crawford (Ewa Stromberg), Dr. Franklin Huston (Paul Muller), and Dr. Donen (Jess Franco, himself). I love the way this shot is framed, with all the council members seated--Houston and Crawford staring forward, while Walker calls Dr. Johnson forward and then Donen hands him a document. It's very surreal, oddly gorgeous, and somehow perfectly captures the anxiety you feel in this kind of scenario.

As their voices echo, the various doctors take turns condemning Dr. Johnson's experiments as inhuman and denouncing him as a criminal. Walker even says that he has violated the Hippocratic Oath and should no longer be allowed to practice medicine. Dr. Johnson objects that he was just trying to help humankind. It falls to Crawford, intriguingly, to condemn him for denying human embryos as chance at life. Johnson is ordered to stop his experiments and burn his notes.

Returning home, accompanied by grossly inappropriate music, Dr. Johnson finds his wife lying on the floor of his lab with a bloody gash on her eyebrow. The Council sent goons to destroy everything and she was helpless to stop them--though all she knows about the pople who wrecked his lab is that they were raging madmen who hated her husband. He leads her out of the room and she tells him not to worry about her but about his experiments. That was...not a helpful thing to say, because he then stares at his wrecked lab and begins to spiral into madness.

He hears their voices condemning him echoing in his head and goes into a rage. Desperate, Mrs. Johnson calls Dr. Huston for help. Huston, based on her reaction, refuses to help. Through voiceover, she then explains that she took her husband away to their island house--the weird mansion from the opening--in the hopes that it might calm his nerves. Well, I suppose lying in a near-catatonic state on their bed is better than screaming and smashing things. When she tries to talk to him, he just rants at the ceiling.

Meanwhile, Huston walks in a bit late to a medical conference, where Walker is presently standing at a podium and loudly denouncing those who violate the laws of ethics and humanity. Mrs. Johnson is in the audience already, watching him with a stone face that somehow communicates nothing but murderous rage. Huston notices her as soon as he comes in, From the stage, Crawford notices her as well. When Donen takes over the podium and says that everyone in attendance knows what case they're discussing and then mentions that Dr. Johnson will no longer be allowed to practice medicine for as long as he lives, Mrs. Johnson storms out. Huston then just takes her seat, the jerk.

"Oh, these TED Talks make me so angry!"

On her way out, the enraged Mrs. Johnson encounters the unnamed Inspector (Horst Tappert), who cheerfully asks if she remembers him from when her husband's lab was broken into. She angrily tells him to find the men who ruined her husband's life and he smiles and says he just might do that. Whether before or after he manages to finds his ass with two hands and a flashlight is not made clear. As she storms off the Inspector then goes in to the "we hate Dr. Johnson" conference and sits down in front of Dr. Huston, and casually calls him by name after asking if he can smoke.

The words of his accusers echo in Dr. Johnson's mind as his wife returns to his side. She tries to kiss him and embrace him, to return him to himself--but he's too far gone. She breaks down in despair after failing to get him aroused, which somehow involves writhing on the bed beside him with her breasts exposed while sobbing. Unfortunately, the next day the voices finally snap Dr. Johnson out of his catatonia--but instead, they just inspire him to rush into the bathroom and, to the tune of music more appropriate for a silly action sequence, take a straight razor to his wrists.

Mrs. Johnson wakes up naked and alone and then, to somewhat more appropriate music,rushes into the bathroom to find her husband lying dead beside the bathtub. Her voiceover returns as we are placed back at the beginning of the film, with her asking how she can live without it him. "I can't do it without taking revenge on your killers," she decides. We see her standing in a boat that;'s floating toward shore, all dressed in black, as she talks about how cruel her revenge shall be. The imagery rather makes me think of Charon, which was probably unintentional.

In the bar of a fancy hotel, Walker--who appears to be cosplaying as Colonel Mustard--talks to his companion about how the best hope for mankind lies with the young, while Johnson sits nearby smoking her cigarette and listening to his conversation. Walker is actually condemning the younger generation, with their drugs, their protests, and their selfie sticks. Near as I can tell, Walker's companion was a reporter and after she departs he walks over to Johnson and asks if they've met. When she says no to every possible place he lists that they could have met, he begins to put the moves on her.

It doesn't take long before she has him inviting her to his hotel room, and agreeing to pay her whatever price she likes,  And then they're off to his cozy and comfortable hotel, And then we see the absolutely hideous shade of yellow the hotel chose for the bedspread in his blindingly white room, God, the 1970s got off to a roaring start on being ugly, didn't they? At any rate, she's a bit too sexually aggressive for his taste at first--so he orders her to undress for him next to the hideous yellow curtains. Then he quickly undresses and hops under the covers, naked.

He tells her that he needs her to degrade him in order to get off, and oh boy is she ever willing to oblige him on that. The verbal abuse and slapping gets him going right quick--but he probably could have done without the dagger to the throat and genitals. Exit Walker. We sort of get full frontal Howard Vernon in the next shot, but his crotch is obscured by blood. Johnson leaves a note on his body as a calling card. Meanwhile, Donen, in the room across the hall, gets up from reading and opens the door in time to see Johnson as she closes the room door behind her and flees. Donen, curious, goes into Walker's room and finds the body.

The next scene is Huston and Crawford meeting each other on a beach. It turns out Donen summoned them there with a letter--and he promptly appears to discuss Walker's death. The murder is news to his companions. Donen describes seeing a woman who was "dark-haired" and "vulgar," and he decides was definitely a prostitute. He describes finding the body, with throat cut and penis severed. Donen called the police, but first he took the note--which reads, "This was the first. There'll be three more. -J."

Donen has already made the "J for Johnson" connection, but Huston objects that Johnson is dead. I'm not sure how he knows that, given what we'll later see, but he does. Yet he somehow doesn't make the "Johnson had a wife" connection here, or if he does we cut away first to see Crawford back in the lounge of her hotel. She then notices an attractive woman with a blonde bob reading John le Carre's A Small Town In Germany. Crawford walks over to the somehow familiar woman and asks if she's English. No, she's just reading an English book. Crawford excuses herself and goes outside, staring lustfully at the blonde.

Crawford finally is able to use the sight of red flamingos to summon the blonde Johnson outside. And sure enough, Crawford is quickly putting the moves on Johnson, who invites Crawford up to the house she's staying at to share some of her books with her. Soon they're splitting a bottle of sherry and Crawford is admiring Johnson's abstract paintings. Crawford says that Johnson's style is "very masculine", whatever the fuck that means. Before you know it, Crawford is using the discussion of paintings ("The shapes are so...hard") to seduce Johnson.

"Show me a Georgia O'Keefe, baby, and I'm putty in your hands."

When the subtle approach seems to be getting nowhere, Crawford finally just slides her hand right into Johnson's pants. Is this your first rodeo, doc? As the two women kiss, Johnson briefly flashes back to a happier memory of kissing her husband--and then she disengages from Crawford and directs her toward the bed. The two undress each other--with Crawford hilariously struggling to get Johnson's pants off over her shoes, because God forbid the shoes come off first! Though they do still come off after the pants, which just makes it that much sillier.

Humorously, Crawford's heels stay on as the two naked women passionately kiss on the bed. This goes on just long enough to titillate everyone watching. Unfortunately, Crawford is too overcome with lust to notice Johnson reaching for the hideous inflatable zebra pillow next to the bed. The Johnson strikes, in one quick motion grabbing the pillow and pressing it down on the surprised Crawford's face. The pillow is mostly transparent, so we get to watch her face through it as she is smothered.

Death by tacky room decor! Johnson makes sure Crawford is dead and then literally pins a note, in English, to Crawford's naked chest that reads, 'You Are The Second Pig - J."

Then it's back to Johnson's home, where her shirtless (naked?) husband's corpse lies on the bed. Well, that's gotta be smelling lovely by now. Did she whisk his body back home after the funeral? Was there a funeral or did she just announce his death in the papers? At any rate, she assures her husband's corpse that nobody will disturb his sleep now. She tells him that she has killed two of his tormentors and asks if he is happy now, and breaks into tears when he won't answer.

"Please, come back to me as a sexy ghost. I've played 'Unchained Melody' on a loop for nine hours!"

Cut to a church service, where Johnson is there in a new wig. It might even be the church she was married in, but the point is that Huston is there in the congregation. She pays a tithe and light s a candle before walking out, seemingly overcome with emotion. Huston follows her to see if she is okay, and we get a really well-done tracking zoom in to them outside the church. Johnson tells Huston to leave her alone as she cries, and indeed she says it's the church she was married in. She says her husband is very ill and she doesn't know how to help him, which somehow is Huston's cue to put the moves on her by assuring her that nearly every disease can be cured nowadays. (In 1970?!) When he tells her his name, she sobs aloud and runs away.

At dinner with Donen, Huston tells him that he thinks the young woman he saw was the widow Johnson. After all, why would she run at the sound of his name? Denon tries to deny it--and then Johnson sits down, undisguised, at the table next to them and looks over at them with a simply delightful smirk. Donen recognizes her, but can't place her and tells Huston to wait at the table while he goes to ask the waiter who she is--but she's no longer there.

Well, Huston does the "sensible" thing and goes to the Inspector, who is naturally working the case of their colleagues' killings. Huston explains he thinks he and Donen are next since they rejected the research of Dr. Johnson. The Inspector helpfully replies that no one is going to die and besides, Johnson is dead and it's not his job to hunt ghosts. The Inspector is, in fact, so unconcerned about the plight of Huston that the man has to demand protection. The Inspector sighs and says they'll offer him protection, but only once he's in serious danger.

Danger like Johnson showing up in the hotel lobby to watch Huston menacingly, perhaps? The excellent use of a mirror is somewhat upstaged here by the fly that lands on Huston's forehead when he runs up to her to demand she leave him alone. She innocently asks him for a light and then he rushes out of the hotel. She pursues him slowly outside, like a gorgeous slasher villain. She finally catches up to him in a restaurant and has the terrified man light her cigarette. He tries to flee again, but she follows him up an exterior staircase. Finally, he ends up in the safety of his hotel room,..

...only for the lights to come on and reveal that she is stretched out on his bed, dressed only in lingerie and another blonde wig. Man, I'd like to see Jason Voorhees top that. Huston, hilariously, forgets his terror when she starts beckoning him closer. He admits to her he is scared, but she just asks if she looks like a killer to him. Well, he doesn't require much convincing to get into bed with her. As he kisses her neck, she again flashes back to her husband in happier times. Then, as he kisses down her hip and unhooks her garter, she remembers her husband's corpse.

Huston doesn't see the pair of scissors she pulls from under the pillow. She buries the scissors in his neck, and he drools blood all over her hip as he dies. She then shoves him off, pulls his trousers down, and then goes to town stabbing his crotch with the scissors.

Then comes the sequence this film is best known for, since it ends up on every poster or video cover art the film has--as Johnson sits naked on a couch, curled up in almost a fetal position as she flashes back to the happier times she had with her husband (which, side from their wedding, all involve sex), sees his corpse, and also seems to maybe be wracked with guilt about all the lives she's taken. This concludes with her going into the bedroom and...trying to have sex with her husband's corpse. In fairness, I could see how the fact his throat is pulsating would confuse her.

Cut to Donen arriving home to find his wife lying in the foyer with her throat cut. Johnson then casually comes down the stairs as he grieves, wondering aloud why his wife had to die, too. He then helpfully collapses from the shock so Johsnon can easily capture him.

Meanwhile, the Inspector is with a coroner in one of the least coroner-like offices I've ever seen. (The picture window is a particularly odd feature) He is informed, then, that another body is being brough tup--with horrible stab wounds all over it. The Inspector declares that he believes the murders to be the work of the same killer, and then mentions than only Dr. Huston remains alive so they must hurry to save him. Since the messy stab wounds describes Huston's death, I'm left to wonder if this scene was put in the wrong place, the actor said the wrong name, or if we're just meant to think the Inspector is that incompetent.

At any rate, poor Donen is currently shirtless and tied to a chair in the apartment that Crawford met her doom in. Johnson approaches him, half-naked, and tells him he must suffer the way her husband did. And then she makes him suffer by dragging a dagger across his chest that very obviously squirts stage blood. After cutting him several times, she says that after he dies her husband can finally rest in peace--and so she stabs him to death.

"Dear Penthouse; I never thought this would happen to me..."

Johnson then rushes to her car, where her husband's corpse is in the passenger seat. She assures him the doctors who ruined him are all dead now and that the two of them will be reunited--in death. Then she drives off a...slightly steep hill. She screams as she does so, which would seem to indicate that she wasn't fully committed to this plan. And, yes, it's a tad bit uncomfortable that one of Soledad Miranda's last roles has her dying in a car accident.

The Inspector shows up at the scene of the crash, too late to do anything. His underlings inform him that both Johnsons are in the car, and both are dead. The Inspector then muses that the murders were blamed on a dead man (no, they weren't) and he believes that to be true (what?!) because Mrs. Johnson was just a normal woman until her husband's death drove her to murder. Okay, sure, but how does that put the blame for the murders on her dead husband, again? At any rate, The End.

Which stage of the grieving process is rampant nudism, again?

As far as Jess Franco films go, this one is astoundingly straight forward. The plot mostly makes linear sense, the amount of utterly inexplicable moments are kept to a minimum, and there is not a single nightclub scene to be found!

However, there is no question that this is a Franco film. As usual, there is the odd mix of the incredibly competent--like some seriously beautiful shot compositions--and the hilariously ill-advised. As I have mentioned before, there is hardly a single scene where the music is not glaringly inappropriate. Listening to this film;s soundtrack, thanks to Severin's recent release of it, I became convinced that the world needs to hire filmmakers to listen to Jess Franco soundtracks out of context and write movies that actually match them. I want to see how far afield of the actual film they end up.

That said, the incongruity of the soundtrack oddly works for the film. At least, if you can dig what Franco is laying down, and not everyone can. Understandably so.

I mean, certainly the film has flaws--beyond the obvious fact that Franco is notorious for making odd choices as a director. For one, it's hard to say, in my opinion, that the film's title is not a might bit misleading. I mean, sure, she seduces her victims before killing them--but the title implies she kills them during sex or gets off on killing them, neither of which is technically true. The film also kind of has a hard time deciding who we're supposed to sympathize with. I honestly can't tell if we're supposed to root for Johnson to get her revenge or not, and not in a deliberate sense like how The Abominable Dr. Phibes knew we'd root for Phibes even as it reminded us that his victims had done nothing wrong. Here, we get zero sense of whether Dr. Johnson is actually trying to make the world a better place or is just the mad scientist he's accused of being, and we have no idea if the Medical Council who ruined him were right to do so or were just vindictive assholes.

However, I find that's a minor issue when the rest of the film is so enjoyable and it's not at all surprising that the reason She Killed In Ecstasy succeeds as well as it does is all due to Soledad Miranda. Not only is she gorgeous as all hell, she is able to deliver some genuine acting to the film even among the melodrama that Franco encourages in all of his cast. It really is a shame her life was tragically cut short when it was.

This film is definitely not for everyone, but I love it. It has a great performance from Soledad Miranda, a delightfully zany score, and all the sleaze you could ask for. To me, that's more than enough.

And I simply cannot recommend the Blu-ray from Severin enough. It looks gorgeous and comes with a wealth of extras--including a soundtrack CD featuring this film's score and that of two other Franco films. Seriously, if you love this film or Franco in general, it belongs in your collection.


Today's review brought to you by the letter S! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for S!

Every so often, you encounter a movie whose very existence is utterly inexplicable. You can't be sure how it got made, who the hell it was aimed at, and you're damned if you can make sense of it. Chances are, if you look in the right places you'll find out that Godfrey Ho is responsible for making it.

The best known example of Godfrey Ho's work is easily Robo Vampire, which manages to be a drug war film, a vampire movie, and a truly sad RoboCop rip-off--all because it is literally at least two films stitched together. At some point, Godfrey Ho got the idea to merge the productions together into one utterly incomprehensible film after most of the indvidual principal photography was finished.

I can't say if that is what happened with this film, but it has that exact same feel to it. This movie manages to be a gritty drug war film, a kids' movie about a little girl befriending a snake, and a rampaging kaiju film. If that sounds like a bunch of elements that have no business being mixed together--you're right!

The opening credits to the film are a delight in and of themselves, as they seem to have been cobbled together by someone with no concept of what a "serpent" is. Accompanied by some bad synth pop piano soft rock that eventually morphs into what I swear is a rip-off of "Walk of Life" by The Dire Straits, the credits roll over color drawings that appear to belong to a children's Encyclopedia. These drawings consist of cobras, salamanders, newts, rattlesnakes, Gila monsters, vipers, chameleons, Komodo dragons, tuataras, axolotls, and frilled lizards--particularly notable is that the title appears over the still of an adorable salamander.

After an establishing shot of Hong Kong, the film shifts to a storm at night. The storm causes a flood that disturbs a bunch of real snakes who are understandably not happy at all about being nearly drowned on a set. Before you can absorb that, we cut to a bunch of white guys in ugly clothes standing around watching as their balding leader shoots empty cans with a revolver. And the very first line establishes that this was dubbed in Hong Kong as the subordinate white guy in a red jacket walks up as says, "Everything you heard about the formuler [sic] is true, boss." Apparently red jacket is named Jackson, but your guess is as good as mine as to who the hell the actor playing him is.

All Jackson can tell his boss--whom we'll later find out is named Solomon--is that, as of now, the formula only works on plants but an experiment is planned for tomorrow to test it on animals. Solomon tells Jackson to get Billy and to work together to bring him the formula. Then, Solomon monologues about how he will be in control of the world's food production and--pause for a hearty "Think of the power I will have! HAAAAA!" whilst raising his fists in the air--every nation on Earth will bow to his "willlll!" Sure, okay.

"The world will rue the day they ever heard the name L.L. Bean!"

Cut to a little girl in pigtails, who is busy making a bow for the snake on her bed. Apparently the snake is a new pet and this girl is a Parseltongue, because she asks if the snake likes the bow and it vigorously nods its head throw the magic of someone bobbing the snake around on a fishing line. "Now I have to think of a name for you," she says in that irritating voice of a grown woman dubbing a child. "Should I call you...Blackie? Mm, not good. Too common. Fluffy? No way, it's not like you. How's Charlie? That's no good, makes you sound like a boy. Hey, I know--I'll call you Mozler! Do you like that?" The snake nods in approval, while I try to imagine how the child's thought process goes "Blackie, Fluffy, Charlie, Mozler." Maybe in China that's a common name for a pet?

The girl's mom calls her down for supper, where we learn her name is Ting Ting. She tells Mozler to stay put before rushing off to dinner. Ting Ting proves to not be very hungry and begs to be excused and go finish her homework. This is a ploy so that she can go to the fridge and grab an entire cartoon of tiny eggs. She sneaks this past her eagle-eyed mother via the age-old tactic of responding to, "What are you hiding?" with "I'm not hiding anything!" Her mother expresses concern about the girl, but her father just wants to eat and be oblivious.

Ting Ting brings the quail's eggs to Mozler, who is hiding in a bucket on her nightstand. She tells Mozler not to eat too many of the eggs after putting half the cartoon in its bucket. Mixed signals much? Her mother enters then and asks who Ting Ting is talking to. Ting Ting turns out to be the person you should never invite on your caper as she grabs the bucket and hides in behind herself while professing she wasn't talking to anyone. Unfortunately, her mother is not blind. And proclaiming there to be nothing in the bucket, covering it with a sheet, and saying, "I'm not lying," don't exactly throw mom off the scent. Mother sees Mozler, freaks out, and calls for her husband--while master criminal Ting Ting puts a rubber snake (which I assume the special effects crew borrowed after this scene) so that everyone can have a good laugh at mom's expense.

Meanwhile, a scientist named Dr. Lai and a general in a red beret are watching a bank of closed-circuit televisions. The general congratulates Dr. Lai on his success with plants and then turns to one Dr. Ti and tells him to proceed with "Thunder Project." Dr. Lai asks what Thunder Project is, and when told it's a national secret, he indignantly responds, "I have a right to know: I'm a scientist!" Lai is afraid it means the general intends to test the formula on animals. When the general informs Lai that that's exactly what they intend to do, Lai and the general have a delightfully childish exchange where Lai demands his formula back and the general says no. For some reason Lai objects that his formula was never intended for biological warfare, which is not only a big leap from "we're gonna test on animals" but why the hell did he think the military wanted his formula in the first place?

Dr. Lai grabs Dr. Ti by the lapels and throttles him before being scolded for his outburst by--a secretary? Lab assistant? Another scientist? Dr. Lai responds to her scolding by saying he's out. The experiment, which we learn involves "stimulating the growth [of a plant or animal] up to 300 times", proceeds without him. Hilariously, the experiment is proceeded by Dr. Ti and the woman from earlier talking about how it's a shame that Dr. Lai left, but surely even the Army will see that this formula is meant for the good of all mankind.

Right. That'll definitely happen.

The experiment involves placing a frog in a glass tank hooked up to a bunch of wires and control panel. Hilariously, one scientist says, "If we increase its size by 300 times, I wonder what it will look like?" My guess is that it will look like a frog, but, y'know, bigger. As I predicted, after being bombarded with cartoon lightning bolts the frog glows blue and undergoes a Jet Jaguar transformation to grow to the size of a bulldog...but it still looks like a frog. Well, frog puppet, anyway, with a very deep croak.

Everyone congratulates each other on a frog well embiggened. Their celebration is somewhat short-lived as Solomon's goons arrive and attack the facility. Adding to the feeling that this is from a completely different movie, none of these goons appear to be white like Solomon's crew has otherwise been so far. The troops in their red berets prove to be about as effective as Storm Troopers as they get easily mowed down. Dr. Ti orders one scientist to dispose of the frog, one to burn the notes, and one to grab the formula box as they make their escape. And here you'll note the facility has an outdoor pool, for some reason, that not one but two different troops fall into after being shot.

The scientists flee into the woods, but the two troops escorting them are quickly gunned down, as are all of the scientists but Dr. Ti and the woman from earlier. Um, shouldn't Solomon's men be capturing the scientists in case they need the formula's secrets? Hilariously, after Dr. Ti is also gunned down, the lead goon tells another not to shoot the woman because, "She can't get away: she also works for Solomon." Said goon is immediately proven wrong about the first part as the woman grabs the box and runs to where the last soldier is standing beside a car. He buys her time by standing and being turned into Swiss cheese while she drives away.

One of the goons gives chase in his car, so she throws the box out the window and dives out of the car--which then goes off a cliff, exploding at the top of the cliff as it goes over, of course. The goons are concerned that their boss is going to express his disappointment via homicide, but the lead goon assures them that the box can withstand the heat. I'm guessing the lead goon is Billy, because we cut to Solomon angrily yelling at Billy over the phone for losing the formula. Jackson, not real perceptive apparently, asks what's up after his boss hangs up. Sure, Solomon is an evil international criminal, but I can kind of understand why he responds to this by disparaging Jackson's intellectual capabilities. At any rate, with the government also looking for the formula it's too risky for Solomon to physically interact with that plot thread so they have to let Billy look for it on his own.

And now, the film gets weird as we are introduced to the sport of...cross-country roller-skiing. Ting Ting is trying to keep up with a pair of boys, one of whom is dressed in suspenders that make him look like he's wearing lederhosen and the other is wearing an ugly sweater. Though given Ting Ting's sweater looks like she skinned an Ewok, I guess her outfit isn't much better. At any rate, she trips and falls so the boys laugh at her. Lederhosen says, "I'm first, he's second, you're the worst because you're a girl! You're third!" Ting Ting objects that the results don't count, so the boys agree--mockingly--to a rematch tomorrow and then depart in their silly skiing gear. They also refuse to allow her to come to their playhouse.

"No girls allowed--you're going to regret that someday," Ting Ting declares. And then she finds the formula box, because of course she does. She notes that it's a very strange box before declaring it will make a nice new home for Mozler, and carrying it away. Meanwhile, the general is at a hospital standing over the only scientist who escaped. They've been assured she'll recover, so the general orders Colonel San (or maybe Sam?) to deal with the press. He also orders the Colonel San to seal off the lab and surrounding area. You...you weren't already doing that?!

And then, we are introduced to another random white guy in military fatigues. This is Ted Fast (Pierre Kirby), Super Badass. He's meeting with the general about their situation, but all the general can do is confirm what Ted Fast already knows, which is that the terrorist group is headed by Solomon. "Oh well, I'll see what I can come up with," Ted Fast responds. And yes, I will be using his full name each time he appears, but as with this scene those appearances are brief and almost totally ancillary. Back to the real story, as Ting Ting sets Mozler in his new home. Mozler nods when she asks if he likes it, and then she tells him to go to bed so she can do her homework--only to notice that the box has little lights on it. She happily turns them on for Mozler, despite having no idea what they do.

Luckily, it turns out they are not a microwave. However, as soon as Ting Ting turns her back, Mozler is bombarded with cartoon lightning and in several cross he glows and then grows larger, before finally turning into a large puppet that somehow comes up through the "bottom" of the box and, glowing, slides up and out of the box onto the floor. Ting Ting is horrified by the giant snake, screeching like a pterodactyl, until she realizes it's Mozler.

Hilariously, she asks him how he got so big but he just shakes his head. Well, declaring that if he doesn't know than neither does she is good enough for Ting Ting, but now she can't keep him in her room any more. This is further emphasized  when the excited Mozler knocks her bicycle over with his tail, but luckily her mom buys the "I knocked a book off the shelf" line. Cut to Ting Ting dragging a very reluctant Mozler into a warehouse. She pleads with him that he has to stay here now.

Meanwhile, Inspector Chow of the city police is frustrated that the military isn't letting him in to the lab to investigate, but Colonel San just brushes him off. Solomon, also meanwhile, is reiterating to Jackson his plan for extorting underdeveloped countries for the food he'll be growing with the formula. Suddenly, a third guy advises that they've sent in a special agent named Ted Fast--a highly trained specialist who always works alone. "He must be pretty good, then," Solomon observes before telling third guy to go take care of Ted Fast.

And now it's time for the rematch in that cross-country roller skiing race. This time, though, Mozler is observing the race and with a pterodactyl screech he tailslaps Ting Ting so she moves way ahead of the other two. Somehow Lederhosen falls down, so now Ting Ting gets to mock him for  being last. Unfortunately, she gets a lesson in sexism when the two boys just declare the whole exercise to be stupid and they go home. Somehow, the other two boys fail to notice the huge shrieking snake nearby (and they really should be on their guard against such things) as Ting Tig confirms that Mozler helped her and then declares she won't play with those sore losers any more, just Mozler.

Cue the montage! Ting Ting goes fishing in a tide pool while Mozler watches.from the shore. She finds nice fluffy grass to make a mattress for him. Then she tries to play with him using a beach ball outside a wooden shack, but Mozler hits it too hard so she gets mad and they play hide and seek around the shack instead. Some guy watches all this from the bushes, so I think we can assume he's one of Solomon's goons. Mozler finds Ting Ting and there is much rejoicing.

"They call me Blackie, they call me Fluffy or even Charlie / That's not my name! / That's not my name!"

Ting Ting tosses some food to Mozler. I have no idea what it is, but it can't possibly be enough to feed a twenty foot snake, Lucky that Mozler doesn't see her as food. they play some more hide and seek, as the random guy watches. Hilariously, a thunderstorm suddenly rolls in and strikes the tree next to the (miniature) cabin. Mozler grabs Ting Ting with his tail and drags her to the "safety" of the shack before the tree falls over on it and it explodes. A terrified ting ting, surrounded by fire, calls for Mozler. And then, to my delight, a combination of poorly thought out physics and special effects results in Mozler bursting out of the wall of the burning model cabin with Ting Ting in his coils and flying away as the goon watches.

"I'm telling you, that snake must be connected with the formuler somehow," the goon tells Billy at a nightclub later. Billy assumes that the girl must have the forumla, then, and they must get it from her. Cut to two of Solomon's white goons in a van, wielding uzis. It turns out they're tracking Ted Fast, who is currently just wandering under a bridge somewhere. You know Ted Fast is not in prime ass-kicking mode because his raspberry beret is tucked into his belt. Well, the goons run him off the road and fire into the woods he's disappeared into before getting out of the van to continue spraying bullets into the bushes. Unfortunately for them, Ted Fast still has his sidearm and he shoots the Mr. Kotter-looking thug to death--which is why you never wear a yellow windbreaker to a drive-by.

Ted Fast keeps rolling around to dodge the bullets from the remaining thug, but he's out of ammo so he has to do a reverse-Shatner roll to kick the uzi out of the thug's hands. Now that he's got the uzi pointed at the unarmed thug, you might think he'd try to get some answers out of the guy--but that's not how Ted Fast rolls. He shoots the thug in the head and then stands triumphantly over the body.

Ted Fast! He kills the bad guys fast and loves the ladies even faster. That's why he only works alone.

Meanwhile the general is interviewing Lynn, the surviving scientist, in her hospital bed. She swears Solomon's men don't have the formula, but only mentions that she remembers throwing it out of her car window and surely it's still there. However, Colonel San counters that they left no stone unturned and did not find it. Well, the general orders him to search the area again and then dig up any info on the terrorists to give to Ted Fast. Well, the futile search for the formula is observed by Solomon's goons, who report back to Billy. Since clearly the army doesn't have it, that means that the girl must have it and they need to track her down to retrieve it,

Oh, and Solomon also wants them to take care of Lynn for double crossing them. Inspector Chow is also trying to find her at present, but the trouble is she must be under an assumed name. I think. The dialogue he has with an underling in his office doesn't make a whole lot of sense and the only subtitles on YouTube are in Russian. Meanwhile, Lynn lies in her hospital bed flashing back to when Solomon reminded her the deal he'd made with her--how he helped her through school, and now that he has her in Laboratory 707, she must get Formula K-19 to him to return the favor. Lynn comments to herself that she couldn't let Solomon have the formula because then he and his gang could control the world. And then she passes out.

In his office, Inspector Chow gets a call from his underling, who has found Lynn under her assumed name. However, she's not receptive to Chow's questions when he arrives--pretending she has no idea what Lab 707 even is. She angrily demands Chow and his underling leave at once. Chow tells his underling to keep an eye on her, as he's sure she'll come clean later. Meanwhile, Solomon is on a gigantic cordless phone with an antenna about two feet long angrily telling the person on the other end to find Lynn and punish her for double crossing him. Hadn't we already established this subplot like three times already? This is probably the least inexplicable plot thread in the movie but it's been reiterated over and over!

After the call ends, Jackson casually mentions that Ted Fast killed Teeter, the thug from earlier, so Solomon declares that Ted Fast is good and orders Jackson to get some men together and kill him. The general, meanwhile, is instructing Colonel San and his men about how Ted Fast is in charge of the terrorist task group. Hilariously, when San offers that he will help Ted Fast, the general reminds him that Ted Fast works better alone and a flustered San replies that he can only help him in information then. Seriously, general, you can't tell someone to help and then tell them not to help!

Then, several things happen. First, Chow learns that Lynn has been released. Second, we see her searching the cliffs for the formula while one of Billy's goons watches her. Third, some white goons hurriedly run up a hill because Ted Fast is coming. And, indeed, the man is just striding up to their position with his sidearm in his hand but not at the ready, in plain view like a damn Terminator. In a "cool move" he stands for a second, while he rotates the gun in his hand in order to pull back the slide and chamber the first round.

Naturally, he is immediately caught in a crossfire and has to roll to safety, but he still puts two bullets in the chest of one thug. He and the remaining thug reload and then Ted Fast is forced to roll down a hill to escape the hail of bullets--only to fire while rolling and strike his enemy in the chest. Hilariously, in slow motion Ted Fast empties the entire clip into the poor bastard, who then falls down the hill while groaning in agony--in slow motion. And then Ted Fast...walks away. Okay, is he actually doing anything for his investigation or just walking around and murdering Solomon's goons as they try to attack him?

Cut to Lynn returning home at night to find her apartment is full of Solomon's goons. The head good hilariously aims an assault rifle at her, one-handed, while telling her that "Solomon wants the formuler now." Lynn stammers an excuse that she lost the formula when the car went over the cliff. She gets slapped for her deceit. She pleads that she doesn't have the formula and has been trying to find it herself. The goon takes his sunglasses off, which is the cue for the others to beat her up. Then the head goon tells her that they're going to take her to explain it to Solomon in person. Luckily for Lynn, Chow and his underling are passing by and hear her begging not to see Solomon.

So the two cops put silencers (!) on their pistols and assault rifle (!!) and burst in. Lynn is able to rush to the cops as they hold the thugs back with gunfire and beat a hasty retreat, killing one thug in the process. The underling is shot in the shoulder so Chow sends him off with Lynn while he holds off the goons with the assault rifle. The underling promises to send backup, but naturally Chow has it under control and kills all the goons. The head goon dies last, naturally, and refuses to take off his sunglasses before he gets tricked by a pair of shoes and takes forever to die from bullets to the chest like he thinks he's in a Shakespeare play.

Meanwhile, at a bridge by the sea--one of the last locations we saw Mozler and Ting Ting, as a matter of fact--Chow walks with Lynn. She thanks him for saving her life, but he assures her he was just doing his job. She rather reluctantly tells Chow that she was studying at Harvard, her mother died and then her father had a stroke. Solomon suddenly stepped in to help her with the money she needed, but she didn't know he was a terrorist back then. (Well, he was probably fighting against communists at the time so he would have been a "freedom fighter") When she started working for Dr. Lai, Solomon threatened her to turn it over to him--and here she reveals what the formula is to Chow. he figures that this explains why the army kept him in the dark, and he promises to protect Lynn from Solomon.

Meanwhile, the general is at Ting Ting's home asking her parents if they've seen a strange box, which Ting Ting overhears. Her parents know nothing, so the general gives her dad his card--and then Chow shows up and tells her father to share any information with him as well. The general bristles at Chow butting in and gets really irritated when he demonstrates that he knows all this classified information. "You can't keep anything from me," Chow replies, smugly and then offers to combine forces. The general responds, "No, I don't think so. You just stop being such a smartass."

Ting Ting's parents have no idea what's going on, but Ting Ting thinks to herself that they must be looking for the box she found and she'll have to get rid of it tomorrow. Her parents, the next morning, wonder why she's not at breakfast just before she obviously sneaks out with the formula box. Why she didn't just secretly tell the general or Chow she had it and just leave out the giant snake part is beyond me. Meanwhile, Ted Fast goes to visit his old friend Chow to discuss the information Lynn has provided him. The two, incredibly quickly, agree to share their information with each other.

Meanwhile, Billy and his van full of thugs see Ting Ting ditch the box. They actually don't grab her at first, since they just want the box--except the box is suddenly "empty" even though it looks about the same as it always did. Billy concludes the formula must be with the girl, but the thug holding the box worriedly replies, "But boss, what about that giant snake that's always with her?" Billy responds by...nodding thoughtfully. Ting Ting's mom then finds her daughter is not at home and wanders over to the warehouse (or "shed" as she calls it), calling for her daughter. Mozler startles her and then the father arrives and decides to attack Mozler with a bit of wood. Ting Ting throws herself between them, to her parents' horror and incomprehension.

Her attempts to explain that Mozler is a nice snake fall on deaf ears, because her father insists, "I will not have a monster in my house!" He's gonna wish he changed his tune right quick, because while Ting Ting cries Mozler flees--and then Billy and his thugs watch the snake go before waltzing right in to the warehouse and threatening the family with harm if they don't give up the formula. Well, they don't know anything about any formula, of course, so the thugs grab Ting Ting and beat the parents savagely. Luckily, Mozler returns and begins tailwhipping thugs. He also proves invulnerable to bullets. Billy and two thugs grab Ting Ting and run to where two other thugs are setting up mines and an electrified booby trap.

Well, the mines only make Mozler mad and the cartoon lightning they electrocute him with causes him to glow and then triple in size. Now Mozler is big enough to vocalize with bellow as ting Ting, having broken free of the thugs, asks how he got so big. Hilariously, Billy tells two goons to "go get her" and their incredulous response is beautiful. Well, they do try to slowly walk up and grab her, but Mozler uses his tail to snack them away and then uses it to place Ting Ting on the back of his head. "Mozler, go get them," she declares. Understandably, they run like hell.

"I have so many people I need you to eat for me! Let's start with that Lederhosen-wearing jerk!"

Billy calls Solomon to tell him that they couldn't get rid of "that fucking snake" because it's gotten bigger. Billy suggests Solomon "send in The Plane." Billy then assures his goons that they'll recapture the girl after the plane takes care of the snake. What is The Plane, you ask? A single engine plane--a Cessna, I think--that somehow has a gun mounted somewhere in its fuselage! Ting Ting, now inexplicably reunited with her parents, watches as the plane swoops into the valley (hilariously, Billy having to radio the pilot where his target is in case he missed the 100-foot snake) and attacks Mozler.

Now, the best part is that this is all done with miniatures. I can think of no reason the plane couldn't have been an actual fighter of some kind, which suggests that the effects team literally used the first plane model they could find. It's also hilariously too small, or else we missed a scene where Mozler grew even larger. At any rate, despite scoring several explosive hits on Mozler, The Plane is taken out by Mozler's tail when it makes a second pass. And so, the epic battle comes to an end.

Billy and his goons are undeterred and burst back into the family home to recapture Ting Ting. The parents are beaten senseless again and the father is only spared being shot for his ignorance by Mozler returning--now back to the size he was when Ting Ting rode him--and striking at the goons. Well, the goons are determined to continue what they started and carry off Ting Ting while Mozler pursues them. Her parents called the cops, so in the van Billy suggests they split up and "meet back up at the Starlight Building."

Meanwhile, Ted Fast calls Chow to inform him that the terrorists have kidnapped Ting Ting. Chow orders roadblocks be set up. Meanwhile, Billy jumps out of the van with Ting Ting and steals a car from a couple making out in the back seat. This apparently means that the cops at a roadblock are looking for the wrong amount of men with a young girl and they arrest, at gunpoint, a young girl's family. Luckily, before the unarmed grandfather can make the cop with a gun fear for his life, Mozler's enormous head looms over the hill and the cops shoot at him instead.

Well, the terrorist van shows up at the roadblock Chow is at with his underling and their attempt to flee results in a foot pursuit and gun fight that kills all the goons and all the cops except Chow and friend. Chow makes sure to get the last goon to turn and face him before shooting him fatally, but the guy still responds to a demand to tell Chow where the girl is by hissing, "Fuck you," as his last breath. Meanwhile, Billy speeds away while Ting Ting screams, "Mozler! Mozler! Save me!" Somehow, Mozler hears this--psychic connection, maybe--and slithers into a river to pursue.

Meanwhile, Ted Fast--dials a phone! He calls the general and tells him to call out the army to deal with the giant snake. The general agrees and the call ends. Well, that was thrilling!

Ted Fast! He dials a phone so fast the rotary melts! This is also why he only works alone.

Meanwhile, a young married couple is going to see the husband's mother while the wife complains about having to see his mother. "You make her sound just like a monster," he jokes. And then Mozler rises out of the river by the bridge, causing all the cars to instantly stop and everyone to hop out and either run for it or stand staring at the kaiju looming over them. The general and several troops pull up in a jeep to observe the scene from a hill overlooking the bridge.

And then Mozler smashes the bridge and presumably kills everyone on it, as the soldiers watch in horror.

Man, the Final Destination films really got weird when they ran out of opening disaster ideas.

Meanwhile, a model train zips along a mountain track. Inside, some pudgy middle-aged guy is hitting on an attractive younger woman who is...oddly into it. The general demands to know why no one has notified the rail service, but a soldier objects that they have. Not soon enough, I guess, because the train goes over a bridge and Mozler smashes that bridge and the train. He takes his sweet time doing it, too, making sure he crushes all of the bridge and train cars and kills everyone inside before swimming onward.

The general sadly intones that maybe if they'd called in the air force sooner they could have spared all those innocent lives. He then tells San that he wants that serpent destroyed. His orders are too slow to stop Mozler from smashing a dam and then, to my utter bewilderment, the film cuts in the shot from Mothra of the fleeing villagers crossing a bridge and the baby in its basket that they accidentally dropped on the way across! It's just that one shot that I recognized instantly--but given the quality of the effects showing a tsunami destroying a city that follow, I am left to conclude that these were also lifted from a Japanese effects film. The Submersion of Japan, perhaps?

Chow and Lynn watch the news report on the disaster. Lynn tells Chow she thinks that, although the snake was washed away in the flood, she is sure it's still alive. Chow thinks they need to leave the snake to the army, but they must find Solomon. Lynn doesn't know where Solomon is, but Billy might and, more importantly, he has Ting Ting and she has the formula. Meanwhile, San discusses with the general the contingency in place for when Mozler reappears, since they have assumed it is inevitable. The general pushes the importance of evacuating the city first, and the issue of food and water shortages.

Hilariously, despite having just said that he thinks the snake is still alive, San then wonders if maybe it's dead. The general responds that if it is dead, then they need to recover the body and make sure. If it's still alive, then he wants submarines and any other resources necessary to kill it. Naturally, no one at any point has made the connection between the snake and Ting Ting, yet occasionally they will sound like they know there's a connection.

Meanwhile, Ted Fast has moved up from making phone calls to following Jackson around. This ends with him...just walking right up to Jackson and calling him by name. Naturally, Ted Fast introduces himself as, "Fast: Ted Fast. I know you've heard of me." Thus follows a halfway decent kung fu fight between two white dudes. Jackson flees and, hilariously, trips and falls so Ted Fast can grab him and tell him that he will be taking him to Solomon.

Meanwhile, Billy sits in a room in the Starlight Builiding in...whatever city this is. Hong Kong? I don't recognize any of the landmarks, but then we aren't really shown any. Billy is smoking and trying to ignore Ting Ting whining for Mozler. He tells her she can scream all she wants but neither the snake nor anyone else will hear her. Oh, you're wrong, Billy-Boy. Sure enough, the sea churns and Mozler rises from the ocean to scare the hell out of some folks on a beach.

The general gets the call that the snake is in the West District, before we finally get down to the reason anyone chooses to watch this film--as Mozler rampages through the city. Panicked citizens flee as buildings explode all around the beast. The general struggles to try and restore order from the command center, and then Billy and Ting Ting watch the news report of Mozler in the city. Which means that in this ersatz remake of Mothra, Billy is Nelson and Ting Ting is the twin fairies. Well, Billy tells her that it's hopeless because the military will blow Mozler to pieces before it ever gets to their building. However, he'll let her go if she just tells him where the formula is.

Responding that she wouldn't tell him even if she did know where it was gets her backhanded and then Billy threatens her with torture. Well, Mozler is now just down the street from the Starlight Building. There's an actually really cool shot if him slithering down an eerily empty street toward the building to establish this. And while the miniatures he's wrecking may not be very good and the puppet used to represent him is less than adequate, the miniature city set looks really good--it's never convincing, but it is very well-detailed and elaborate.

Well, the explosions and screaming crowds of fleeing civilians suddenly return, in shots that suggest Mozler is suddenly much further away from the building than he just was. Maybe these shots were meant to come during his initial rampage but were moved because of pacing reasons? Or maybe the editing is incompetent. I'm thinking the latter is more likely.

Uwe Boll presents Snake: The Motion Picture. It's not after apples any more.

Well, one building did not get evacuated and we see the people inside get crushed as Mozler smashes it for no apparent reason, since he's currently on a street that ends at the building he's seeking. The general watches in mute horror--and then we cut to: Ted Fast, making a call. Seriously, is this guy a special agent or a call center rep? Ted Fast is calling Chow to tell him he can find Ting Ting at the Starlight Building. Chow heads there immediately, while the general and San bemoan the fact that they haven't been able to send tanks in yet. Also, Mozler's passing continues to catch people inside buildings by surprise. Nice job warning everyone, general!

Chow fights his way up through fleeing crowds in the Starlight Building. Meanwhile, stock footage tanks are bombarding Mozler to no effect. Billy looks out the window to see, to his horror, "the Goddamn snake is here," with mild annoyance. He threatens to kill Ting Ting, alternately if she does not stop screaming for the snake or does not tell him where the formula is. And then Mozler wraps himself around the Starlight Building. Which is, of course, no help to Ting Ting. Though she is able to break free.

"Surrender Jennifer Lopez and no one gets hurt!"

The air force commander arrives and after the general assures him that no one is in the building without doing even a cursory check, they agree the time is right for the air force to strike. Billy, for some reason, has decided it's more important to continue threatening Ting Ting's life than not being killed by a gigantic snake, so he's counting down until he shoots her when Chow bursts in and they have a brief gunfight. Billy gets the upper hand, though, and looms over Chow with his assault rifle (where do all these large guns keep coming from?!) and orders him to his feet. Chow explains that they'll all die when the bombing starts.

Then Ting Ting's parents and Chow's underlings show up at the rooftop where the general and air force commander are to beg them to hold off bombing until Ting Ting is safely out. The commander meekly says they can't--the opportunity to kill Mozler is too good! The jets fly by the building without firing, but luckily for those inside Ting Ting grabs one of the dropped guns and puts it in Billy's back. Chow grabs the gun from Billy and mocks him for losing to a little girl, Then Billy makes a grab for Ting Ting's gun so Chow can turn him into Swiss cheese, Chow thanks Ting Ting for saving his life and they hurry out of the building just as the planes begin shooting Mozler. And no, these planes are not also Cessnas so I have no idea what was up with The Plane that Solomon sent earlier.

For no apparent reason, every direct hit on Mozler by the planes causes him to glow with a blue cartoon outline, I have zero idea why, since this usually signifies he's growing but here he is not supposed to be. I guess it's so the pilots know they've made a direct hit, like in a video game. Chow has to hold Ting Ting back from trying to save Mozler. And then they run down a staircase that is apparently full of flame throwers based on the pattern of the fire they're dodging. They eventually make it safely down the street and Ting Ting begs Mozler to claimb down to safety.

Unfortunately, just as Mozler is starting to do so, one of the fighter planes deliberately crashes into Mozler's head! For some reason, it is this kamikaze impact that does Mozler in. It sets his head on fire and also blows the top of the building off. Mozler falls to the ground as Ting Ting cries on Chow's chest, and Mozler's death throes finally go still. Ting Ting begs Chow to let her go see Mozler and he relents as he runs over to her dead pet and grieves over his corpse. (A corpse that is, naturally, back to being less than half the size of the city destroying behemoth it just was) Ting Ting begs all the adults that now group around her to save Mozler, and holy crap their reactions are condescending as hell. Only the air force commander imploring her to see that Mozler was dangerous is an actually appropriate response, though I'd have maybe backed that up by pointing out how many hundreds or even thousands Mozler had just killed.

And man, normally I'd be on ting ting's side but Mozler did deliberately kill a shit load of innocent people. At least Mothra wisely showed its heroic monster was only destroying what stood between her and reclaiming the fairies. Mozler, meanwhile, clearly goes out of his way to do as much damage as possible.

At any rate, Chow then berates the general for what he allowed to happen. San asks what they're going to do about Thunder Project now, but the general silences him, Then Chow slugs the general, saying, "That's for all the innocent lives!" This would seem more like something Dr. Lai should get to do, but I guess it doesn't make any sense that he'd be present for this. We close out with Lynn comforting a weeping Ting Ting. The E--

Not so Fast...Ted Fast.

Ted Fast!  He wore a raspberry beret, the kind you find in a secondhand store--when you only work alone.

Yes, it's time for Ted Fast to confront Solomon. He gets the drop on his quarry as Solomon gets into his car, but the terrorist opens the door and knocks Ted Fast down. they quickly recover and find themselves in a Mexican standoff. "Go ahead, shoot," Ted Fast says calmly, "make my day...punk." Solomon declares it a standoff.

Hilariously, this is followed by the two agreeing to just go at it in hand-to-hand combat. This was a poor choice on Solomon's aprt because Ted Fast is instantly beating the shit out of him, However, Solomon then kicks Ted Fast in the balls and grabs a gun. But you have to wake up pretty ealry in the morning to get one over on Ted Fast. So Ted Fast throws his beret at Solomon. After Solomon's shot goes wide, Ted Fast shoots him dead. Then Ted Fast kicks his own beret into the air, catches it, and walks out of frame. The End.

Michael Bay's The Temptation of Adam and Eve.

This is an absolutely astounding film, which is not surprising if you've ever encountered Godfrey Ho. You may think my synopsis is nonsensical and fractured, but I assure you that I have described it accurately.

This film is a hodgepodge of various things that nobody would ever think could work together. A hyper violent action film, a gritty kaiju film, and a story about a child befriending an adorable snake monster are all the things that get mixed together in this film. The dub alone has copious usage of the word "fuck," which doesn't bother me much but I can imagine that being enough for some parents to be horrified at the prospect of their kids seeing this film. Personally, the huge amount of violent onscreen death is much more likely to deter me from letting my son watch this one when he's old enough to start actually watching movies. Though, overall it's only a bit bloodier than, say, Godzilla vs. Biollante.

How does the film fare as a monster movie? Well, overall I'd say it does pretty well. Certainly Mozler is never going to be convincing, and as a snake it obviously limits the amount of things he can do as a city stomper--after all, he can't really even stomp. The miniature effects range from awful (the flaming shack Mozler rescues Ting Ting from) to decent (Mozler's climactic rampage), to really good in the footage clearly pilfered from other films. Of course, all the effects original to this film look like they belong to a film made twenty years earlier. In the 1960s they might be actually be almost impressive--but in 1988 they would have already seemed quaint. And although I have to give props for making full-sized, uh, props of Mozler to interact with Ting Ting, those props look like gigantic dollar store snake toys and they're entirely out of scale anyway.

So it's a decent giant monster movie when looked at from just that angle, As an action movie, well, this makes a great giant monster movie. Not only is Solomon an unimpressive villain, but as I've already stated, the heroic Ted Fast spends most of his screentime making phone calls! Not exactly riveting stuff. As far as more general character concerns, the Chinese cast are actually pretty good, all told, but the white actors are clearly awful and, of course, the dubbing is hilariously terrible.

I can't obviously recommend this as a film to people who want to see a good example of the kaiju genre. This film is bad. However, I can unreservedly champion it to both die-hard kaiju fnas who want to see every extant example of the genre and to those who love bad and/or inexplicable cinema. This film is an absolute masterpiece from that perspective.

So if that's you're kind of movie you should see it, Fast...Ted Fast.


Today's review, brought to you by the letter T! Hit the banner for the other Celluloid Zeroes' reviews for T!

[There's no Amazon listing for this marvelous film, so you'll just have to check it out on YouTube below until some awesome distributor like Shout Factory decides to do it justice:]

One of the more frustrating aspects of human nature is the tendency to disparage and degrade a fashion or art form, and then turning around and praising it to high heaven when someone you approve starts doing the exact same thing.

I'm not talking about cultural appropriation: that's a far bigger conversation that should not be condensed into a footnote in the review of a movie that has nothing to do with it. No, I'm referring to something far more trivial--the tendency to take a B-movie concept and then make a critically acclaimed "art film" out of it.

I have nothing against "art films", per se. A rather funny thing to say, considering I once said to some fellow film majors that watching a Jean Luc Goddard film was like being made to watch someone masturbate--they're sure having fun and trying new things they like, but you're not getting much out of it. However, there are definitely films that could be dismissed as art films that I've loved. Wong Kar Wai's In The Mood For Love is practically a plotless series of scenes, but every frame is so like a painting come to life that I don't mind.

Rather, as a B-Movie aficionado, I tend to look askance on my beloved genre films being disparaged. Think of it like how it's okay to mock someone you love endlessly, but if someone else does it you want to cave their skull in.

Well, when Peter Jackson was just a young, crazy New Zealander who was capable of making a film that runs under 3 hours, he made one of the greatest films ever: the live-action cartoon gorefest, Bad Taste. The title practically says it all, but it's the story of aliens coming to Earth and massacring an entire small town because humans are the new fast food sensation sweeping the galaxy.

Well, in the year 2000 a novelist named Michael Farber took a grain of that idea and used it as the basis for Under The Skin--a novel about a beautiful alien woman luring male hitchhikers in the Scottish countryside to an alien factory farm so they can be turned into an intergalactic delicacy. I have not read the novel, but while I am comparing it to Bad Taste it's merely because that's an easy point of comparison. The concept clearly draws from countless horror and exploitation sources, reportedly to make an overly belabored point about the evils of factory farming.

Naturally, because this pulp novel is "darkly satirical" it was heaped with praise. I would not be surprised to find it's no better than countless trashy horror novels I've read over the years, but alas I have not read it nor am I in that much of a hurry to. However, the book was loosely adapted into a film that also gained serious praise--and much of that praise came from relatively close friends whose opinions I trusted, some of whom had disliked the novel.

Upon seeing the film, I can definitely understand some of what drew them to the film so strongly. However, I'm going to have to play the uncultured contrarian.

The film opens with a lot of nonsense imagery of circles and spheres, while a female voice says random letters and words. Eventually the circles form into the pupil and iris of a human eye. So I will give the director credit that, at this point you can at least go, "Oh, this is the alien taking human form." I am not a fan of movies following scenes of black with harsh pure white light (which happens as the title card appears), however, so I'm tempted to just go back to calling it meaningless. Personal preference, but I don't care for my retinas being poked at.

We then cut to a motorcyclist (Jeremy McWilliams) speeding through the Scottish countryside and through a tunnel--amusingly creating a "Through The Infinite" effect just via car lights reflecting on his helmet. He pulls off to the side of the road behind a parked white van. He then disappears into the darkness by the roadside before returning with the limp body of a young woman (Lynsey Taylor Mackay) slung over his shoulder. With nary a glance sideways to confirm he's not being watched, he loads her into the back of the van...

...and we jump cut to her dead body lying in a room of pure white. A naked woman (Scarlett Johnasson!), rendered practically a silhouette by the harsh whiteness, hurriedly undresses the corpse. Soon she has dressed herself in the dead woman's clothes and stands over her, observing a single tear rolling down the corpse's cheek. Then she picks an ant off of the corpse's belly and stares intently at it as it crawls on her hand.

Cut to an exterior of an apartment building shrouded in the gray clouds of early morning, as some odd lights above it dissipate. Inside the building, our Star-Girl (look, the IMDb credits her as just "The Female," so I need a better name than that) descends the stairs, doing quite well, considering she's an alien being asked to walk in heels. The motorcyclist unloads his bike from the back of the van, and Star-Girl climbs behind the wheel. After the motorcyclist departs, she drives away separately.

Star-Girl then wanders a mall, buying herself more clothes and make-up. All the better to make her a more enticing lure, I'm sure. Following this, the film burns several minutes of running time as Star-Girl drives around Glasgow, eyeing men for a plausible target. She asks one Scotsman for directions and I begin to feel sorry for our alien because without subtitles I can't even understand him and I didn't learn English last night.

Here I will pause to give the film mucho credit for the casting of Scarlett Johansson. Not only is Johansson a very underrated actress to begin with--too often dismissed as just another sex symbol--but the fact that we here have an American affecting an English accent works in the film's favor. She is, in actuality, an alien pretending to be something she's not. Especially given much of this film was shot guerrilla-style, with most of the people she encounters being regular folks who didn't even know they were being filmed.

"Pardon me; can you tell me where to find the Plot?"

Eventually, she successfully picks a young man up under the pretense of getting directions. After a bit of small talk, we cut to her alone in the van again. She eventually picks up another man (Joe Szula) and this time we see what happens to him. After some awkward flirting, she leads him to a dark apartment, the opposite of the white chamber from earlier--with a reflective surface for a floor. Inside the blackness, the two undress as they walk deeper into the darkness. He ends up naked before she does, and as he walks he begins to sink, obliviously, into some strange liquid. When she stops and turns to walk back and collect her clothes, he is nowhere to be seen.

More driving! This is like the travelogue stuff from Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster, but without the awesome rockin' soundtrack.

Eventually, we cut to a beach during the day. A couple and their toddler are sitting on the beach, while their dog plays in the surf. Given they're all wearing coats, that poor dumb dog must be freezing. Star-Girl watches them from nearby, but she's more interested in the man emerging from the waves in a wet suit (Kryštof Hádek). They make idle chit-chat, as he reveals he's a Czech who's living in a tent nearby, looking to get away from it all. Their chat is interrupted when the Czech notices the woman is floundering in the water, having swum out to fetch the dog. The man swims out to fetch his partner as the Czech rushes to the rescue.

Well, the dog and the woman disappear from view, but the Czech saves the man--only for the stupid bastard to turn and dive back in to drown himself. The exhausted Czech crawls ashore and Star-Girl calmly walks over--and brains him with a rock. She drags his body up the beach while the forgotten toddler screams for his dead parents. She oddly puts the body in her passenger seat (!) in order to drive him who knows where. At night, the motorcyclist packs up the Czech's tent and collects his towel, but leaves the toddler to the elements.

Star-Girl continues driving around. She gets out on foot to pursue a possible victim, but ends up carried along by a group of party girls and ends up in a club. She seems to enjoy it even less than I would, ultimately fleeing through a service exit to a quieter part of the club. There she runs into a man (Paul Brannigan) who puts the moves on her. Naturally, we soon see him in the same dark room and disrobing, while she does as well. Again, he is fully nude before she is and soon is wading into the black liquid and vanishing.

"It is said that his last words were, 'Worth it..'"

This time. we see where the men go. Under the surface of the room, they float, weightless. He can see her walking above him at a great distance--and then he sees the naked body of the Czech floating nearby. The Czech's skin seems abnormal, and as the man from the club reaches out and touches the Czech's hand, the skin seems to ripple. The man pulls back in fright, and the Czech lets out a silent scream--and his body implodes, leaving nothing but his skin floating like a plastic bag in the ocean.

We see what appears to be a sluice of red, shredded meat flowing into darkness, and glowing red lasers. Presumably the human meat is being transported elsewhere.

Next we learn that traffic in Glasgow is so bad that motorists can buy roses from men walking around the street to give to other motorists. The florist didn't bother to de-thorn the roses, apparently, and left his blood on the one Star-Girl was given. She then hears a radio report about the drowned couple and their son, a weather bulletin, and then watches random women walk about. Which kind of begs the question of why she's only picking up men--surely a woman who looks like Johansson could easily seduce a few female victims, as well.

Not that I'm complaining about a horror film preying on naked men for a change, of course.

She does eventually lead another man into the dark room, of course, though this appears to be in a different location than before--a house instead of an apartment. We don't see his demise, though, for we then cut to her apparently meeting with the motorcyclist in another dark room and having a silent conversation communicated only through intense stares.

She wanders the streets and ends up tripping and falling. She just wanders away from the concerned bystanders, while the film loses its focus again and starts filming people on the street. Presumably the close-up on an eye is meant to tell us that Star-Girl is watching all this. Admittedly, the attempt to layer all the footage on top itself until her face forms out of the images is a nice touch, but...does it really add anything? It's rather like the screaming televisions in Godzilla vs. Hedorah and nobody heaps praise on that film's artistic touches.

Driving around, a bunch of hoodlums tries to attack Star-Girl in her van. She watches them with disinterest and finally just drives off. She then spies a man with his face covered by a hood (Adam Pearson), and offers him a lift to the supermarket. He seems quite shy and hides his face at first--then pulls back the hood to reveal his face is deformed. (The actor has neurofibromatosis in real life, that's not make-up) Tellingly, Star-Girl does not react to his face in any way, though she does ask him if he's ever had a girlfriend--he has not--and comments on his beautiful hands.

She puts the moves on him hard, though he initially responds by saying he just wants to go to the supermarket. He seems definitely uncomfortable, but he soon softens as she rubs his hands on her face and neck. Before you know it, the deformed man is in a dark room and they're both getting all kinds of naked.

"I, um...love what you've done with the place? Very...Spartan."

A curious thing happens, though. First, Star-Girl appears momentarily like a moving figure carved of obsidian, before we see her leading the naked man to his doom. Second, she seems conflicted after he disappears into the liquid. Perhaps some part of him calls to the dark creature we now have seen is hidden inside of her. We see her staring at her human face in a mirror for several minutes...

...and then she's walking out of the house, with the naked deformed man beside her. She gets in the van and flees, and the poor man is forced to walk naked towards the nearest town. Unfortunately, her change of heart was rather pointless because when he finally finds his way though the garden of a small house, the motorcyclist is there to intercept him and roughly shoves him into the trunk of a car he just broke into. An old woman watches all this happen but does nothing.

Star-Girl, meanwhile, has apparently decide to quit the business and headed for the mountains. She stops briefly to wander in the eerily thick fog on the mountain road that turns everything into pure white. Meanwhile, the motorcyclist stares at himself in the same mirror from earlier--which doesn't bode well for the deformed man, whom we can assume is busy turning into an empty skin suit.

Star-Girl soon finds herself in a nice diner with a great view and orders a very delicious-looking slice of chocolate cake. Eating it does not go well for her, though--she chokes and spits out the one bite she takes. She then wanders around the town she's found herself in, and runs into another man (Michael Moreland) who is waiting for a bus. She rides the bus, ignoring the driver fussing at her for not having a jacket on. The man from the bus stop asks if she's okay, but she doesn't respond to him either--until he asks if she needs help. Apparently she does.

The man takes her shopping for essential supplies in the next town and then takes her to his flat. (Most of which we see in nearly real time of course) The two watch some English comedy over dinner, which she is entranced by, like a cat encountering something she has no idea what to make of. She waits in the bedroom that night, like an uncertain animal as the man brings her tea and sets up a portable heater for her before he goes to sleep elsewhere.

One of the best moments in the film then happens as Star-Girl stands naked before the triple mirror and examines her body. It's not that Johansson is naked--though that's certainly nice--but her acting here is truly great. You really believe that this is an alien examining her new body, trying to make sense of it, trying to see what others see in it. She flexes her toes, stands on one foot, and stretches in various ways. And even though the camera moves all over her naked body, it never feels like it's leering.

Meanwhile, the motorcyclist meets up with some compatriots elsewhere and they all speed off, presumably in search of Star-Girl. The next day, she and the new man in her life go for a walk in the woods. He carries her over puddle and they go to check out one of those random castles you find in Scotland. Apparently Star-Girl is scared of heights, so the visit to the castle is rather brief. That night, Star-Girl and her benefactor attempt to make love. However, once the actual sex begins she suddenly disengages from him, shining a lamp on her groin as if something has torn. That rather kills the mood.

The next day, Star-Girl goes walking in the countryside and woods by herself. Unfortunately, she catches the eye of a logger (Dave Acton). He seems okay at first, just making small talk about how slippery the woods are. However, when she goes to take a nap in a little cottage left as a shelter for hikers, she is rudely awakened by the logger roughly groping her thigh. She shoves him off and flees into the woods. She finds his logging truck, but can't get it started and soon he finds her. She flees into the woods again, but soon he catches her and attempts to rape her...

...only to stop when he tears her skin in the process of removing her clothes, revealing the black, marble-like skin beneath. He stares in stunned incomprehension and then runs away. Star-Girl wanders a few feet, then falls to her knees and peels the false skin away to reveal her true form--a smooth, hairless humanoid with black skin and eyes. She stares at her human face in her hands as it blinks at her, as if it is confused all on its own.

"Lately I just feel feel so beside myself..."

And then the logger returns, having apparently not just buggered the hell off after all. He promptly douses her with petrol and sets her on fire before running away again. The flaming Star-Girl runs out into a snowy clearing before falling to the ground as the flames consume her. On a snowy hillside, the motorcyclist seems to watch the smoke rise, indifferent. The End.

There's a saying among critics, and I've certainly used it--even as amateur as I might be--which is that a movie "rewards patience." This is code for, "It's very slow-moving and often boring, but if you give it time you'll see that it's actullay really good."Under The Skin is definitely the kind of movie that could be referred to this way, except it forgets to actually reward your patience.

Oh, there are definitely things to enjoy about it. As I said, Johansson is marvelous in the role of the alien seductress and the scenes in the dark room are beautiful and horrifying. There is some gorgeous cinematography on display and, while I find the alien design rather uninspired, it is rendered very well,

However, there's a whole lot of dead weight surrounding those bits that actually do work.

Quick, what do Under The Skin and Psycho Shark have in common? That sounds like a trick question, since we all know Psycho Shark has no greater ambition than giving boners to teenagers who can't access porn, while Under The Skin has copious full-out nudity that never feels like simple titillation. Yet, they're both dull, drawn-out exercises in padding that finally get going far too late and then abruptly end.

The difference is that Psycho Shark is a product of incompetence. Under The Skin is rambling by design.

No doubt the director thought he was making some grand comment on humanity, but he was really just...filming people. Like Psycho Shark, albeit a lot more successfully, he occasionally breaks up the monotony with hints of something far greater. In this case, the nature of Star-Girl's mission to lure men to their doom. Except nothing comes of it, because that would require answers and all this movie wants to give are questions. That's all well and good, but at some point if all you have are questions you're expecting the audience to fill in your story for you, which after a certain point begins to feel like you've failed in your job as entertainment.

It's rather like going to a concert and the singer spending the entirety of several songs with the microphone pointed at the audience who came to see them perform so that the audience can sing the songs for them. Sure, it's fun to sing along when you know the words, but at a certain point you could have just stayed home and sang along to the CD.

Then there's the problem that it begins to feel like there isn't a story at all, just a loosely connected series of images like a more sexual Koyaanisqatsi. The closest thing the film manages to get to a plot is Star-Girl seemingly deciding she wants to try and be human, and just as that plot truly gets going she is killed by a heroic would-be rapist.

Yes, I know there are plenty of folks who interpret that as a statement about how trapped Star-Girl was by her sexuality that it ultimately destroyed her, or something along those lines. I don't think the film means us to actually view the logger as a hero by any means, but it's hard to shake the feeling that his assault on her is a form of comeuppance.

In the end, I'm of two minds on this film. On the one hand, I want to like it for Johansson's wonderful performance and for taking a concept that Jess Franco could have made as a sleazy Eurosmut feature in the 1970s (in fact, swap out the alien for a revenge-driven widow and he did sort of tackle the concept already) and treating it like it's high-concept. On the other, I just don't like it much at all. It's everything I hate about art films in general and it's also just plain full of things that are rightly considered failings in films that don't get to claim themselves as high art.

At least the Jess Franco would have a gloriously inappropriate soundtrack. This film's soundtrack is just kind of repetitive, when it's present at all.

In the end, despite the near-universal praise for this film, I have to strongly disagree. It shows promise at multiple points but just never realizes it. If you must see it, it is worth it for Johnasson but that's pretty much it,

Though all this Franco talk means I'm picturing a movie with Lina Romay in the Johansson role and am suddenly in need of a time machine...


Today's review is brought to you by the letter U! Click the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes did for their U flicks.

It's kind of amazing to remember that there was once a time when the name Jess Franco could come up and I would have no idea what the person who mentioned him was talking about. Nowadays, while I have barely scratched the surface of his massive body of work, I consider myself a bit of a Francophile. If you tell me Jess Franco is involved in a film, I'm interested, and today's film is absolutely the reason why.

Back in the days when getting physical discs from Netflix was still something I did, I decided that it was time that I introduced myself and ex-wife to Jesus Franco. (And, no, that is not why I'm divorced now) I had zero idea where to begin, but I took a shot in the dark and decided to start with Female Vampire. By the film's end, both of us had managed to become bored with the intimate details of Lina Romay's genitals.

However, something about the film intrigued me, in spite of its utter awfulness. I honestly couldn't explain what it was, since I could not think of really any redeeming quality about the film at the time. So I decided to give Franco one more shot, and tried Vampyros Lesbos on for size.

I was hooked, almost at once.

Now, before I begin I think I need to clarify something about this film: I don't love it because Franco was any more competent in his direction here than in Female Vampire, aside from not hitting any of his actors with the camera and leaving the shot in. No, I love this film because Franco's worst instincts and decisions actually come together to work in the film's favor.

The film begins by introducing you to the hallmark of a true Jess Franco film: a soundtrack that does not seem to fit the movie. A numbers station-style recording of voices starts off the jazzy opening theme as the credits roll over footage of the bay of Istanbul and occasional glimpses of an ethereal woman (Soledad Miranda, who else?) reaching out to the camera as her red scarf billows outward. I also would like to note that Franco decided his footage of the bay should focus on some kind of tanker anchored there and--it is oddly creepy vessel, even if there appears to be nothing derelict about it.

And then, suddenly, we cut to a minimally dressed stage, occupied by nothing but a garish full-length mirror and a naked woman (an uncredited Beni Cardoso, I think) who is standing as still as a statue. Then the ethereal woman from the credits prances ontos tage in a flimsy outfirt with flowing red scarf, holding a candelabra. This is all part of a nightclub routine, because this film wants us to know up front that this is a Jess Franco film. The routine--set to a slow jam that sounds like it should be playing at a high school slow dance--involves the woman admiring herself in the mirror and then undressing herself and putting her clothes on the naked "mannequin."

Mannequin 3: Victoria's Biggest Secret

In the audience we see a couple watching this. He is Omar (Andrea Montchal), and she is Linda Westinghouse (Ewa Stromberg, also back from our last Franco film). Linda is watching the performance, utterly entranced--and definitely a bit overcome with lust. Omar keeps glancing at her uncomfortably, so already the film is playing with male discomfort in the face of female sexuality--whether it was done on purpose or not.

The woman on stage kisses the "mannequin" and then lowers her to the stage--which is, naturally, very awkward since the "mannequin" has to try and pretend to stay stiff the whole way down--and on the floor she lustfully kisses the "mannequin" on the neck. When the audience bursts into aaplause, Omar notices Linda is excited but she passes it off as nothing.

As they lie sleeping in bed, later, though, Linda dreams of the woman's face saying, "Linda...Linda...I'm calling you." She dreams a series of disconnected images after that: a floating red kite, herself going to a boat, a house on an island, an empty chair, a moth trapped in a net, a scoprion, blood dripping down a window, the woman in her scarf now naked but for that scarf and reaching for her, and finally her own face moving down almost reluctantly between the woman's legs but not at an angle that would otherwise indicate what it clearly is meant to here.

She relates this dream to her psychiatrist, Dr. Steiner (Paul Muller, also returning), explaining that she has had the same dream every night. It feels oddly prophetic to her, even though she's never seen the woman before nor been to the place. Strangely, the dream also arouses her and more than once she's climaxed during the dream. This sequence is all shot like a typical cinematic representation of a psychiatrist visit, complete with her reclining on a red couch while he takes notes--except he isn't taking notes at all, but doodling random pictures.

Linda then reveals the biggest shock for her was seeing the woman of her dreams, literally, at that night club show the previous night. Even Steiner stops doodling at this, except he then tells her that the issue is that she is sexually frustrated and needs to find herself a better lover. Linda's expression at this is priceless--partially incredulous and more than a bit confused. She goes back to her room at the Istanbul Hilton to reunite with Omar. She doesn't tell him what Dr. Steiner said, of course, but does tell him she's scared and hopes he'll stay with her for the next few days.

However, when she goes to the office she gets an order from the boss, that she is told y the secretary is very confidential. After reading it, Linda's eyes stare off into the middle distance she says she must go to the island of Anatolia to see Countess Carody about an inheritance. She takes a boat and arrives at a harbor near the island and goes into a local inn to announce herself to its keeper. He is supposed to take her onward to the Kadidados Islands. Unfortunately, she just missed the last boat for the day. Luckily, Countess Carody has already booked her a room and he orders Memmet (Jess Franco himself) to show her to her room.

Memmet walks a little strangely and defiintely seems a bit off. (Honestly, I don't think Franco had to do much acting to be off-putting) Linda tries to sleep but is awakened by a nightmare, possibly her recurring dream. She goes wandering in the hotel and Memmet suddenly grabs her wrist, frightening her. He leans close and whispers in her ear, apologizing for scaring her but telling her she must not go to the island. Madness and death rule the island, he claims. He tells her to come to the wine cellar later, then has to run off.

Linda goes to the wine cellar as instructed--and thus interrupts Memmet as he is doing something to the bloody body of a dead woman tied to a chair. She doesn't hang around to find out what he wanted to talk about, of course. We next see her on the boat to the island, so I'm not even sure if she felt it necessary to alert the authorities.

"Okay, I know this looks bad, but..."

Amusingly, the estate on the island is about as far from an ancient mansion or castle as it could get. It looks very modern. She doesn't notice a strange male figure (Jose Martinez Blanco) lurking about in sunglasses and watching her, but she does notice a scorpion crawling on the terrace and a moth fluttering against a window. When she wanders into the house, though, she gets a hell of a start when she sees blood dripping down a window pane. As the numbers station kicks in again, Linda turns and bolts--only stopping when a female voice calls to her in greeting. She turns and sees the Countess Nadine Carody, the woman from her dreams and the nightclub act. And the countess is currently sunbathing in a pair of gigantic sunglasses that only Soledad Miranda could pull off without looking like a bug.

All these modern vampires and their sunbathing and giant sunglasses.

Linda calms down slightly at the sight of her hostess and introduces herself as being from the firm of Simpson & Simpson. Amusingly, when Linda tells Nadine that she feels she's met her before and been to this place before, Nadine merely says that she has that feeling sometimes--it happens a lot. This calms Linda down, but what really calms her down is Nadine asking her if she'd like to go for a swim.

Well, Linda didn't bring her bathing suit, but Nadine assures her there is no one around to see her, so Linda happily strips nude--while the mysterious man watches from the shore as Linda and Nadine frolic in the surf. And they actually do some swimming, unlike other nubile young women I could name. Then they sunbathe together and Nadine decides to join her guest in not having to worry about tan lines. They talk about fun and relaxing it is to lounge on the sand naked--especially with someone else.

At dinner, Linda arrives in a nice white semi-casual pantsuit. Nadine pours her some wine as they talk about the will that Linda is there to go over. It's a very curious will and hard to transfer the estate--so Linda asks what Nadine can tell her about the Dracula family, since it was the late Count Dracula who left the estate to her. Nadine explains they came from Hungary, like her, and that Count Dracula considered her the woman who brought the most joy into his life. And, as an aside, I love how they're having dinner by candelabra and talking about Dracula--but they're on an open deck on a sunlit beach with netting behind them.

Nadine mentions she would love to pass the Dracula estate on to someone else some day, and Linda asks if she can help. Nadine tells her that she certainly can, perhaps sooner than she thinks. nadine walks over and they clink glasses, but somehow Linda's wine isn't sitting right and she has ha headache. Nadine tells her to go lie down in a room she has prepared for Linda, but Linda then just passes out on the table. Nadine tenderly strokes her neck before calling for Morpho, who turns out to be the mysterious figure from earlier and her mute manservant. Unlike the average manservant named Morpho in a Jess Franco flick (of whom there are legion), this guy is actually rather handsome and normal-looking. And wears a sharp black turtleneck with a suit jacket.

Morpho carries Linda to the hideous yellow bedroom and lays her down in the bed. There's a shot of a chocolate lab playing in the surf added to the expected images of moth and scorpion here and...if that's meant to be menacing in any way, there are few less menacing images of dogs they could have chosen. At any rate, Linda awakens when Nadine appears from behind the yellow curtains, a trickle of blood on her lip. Linda rises as Nadine approaches--and Nadine kisses her. She then brings her down to the floor and strips her naked, stroking her skin lovingly.

Nadine also strips naked and kisses the now very receptive Linda. And then she bites her neck. Which Linda doesn't seem to mind all that much...

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I just--I've never given a hickey before!"

Linda wakes up later on the floor--naked, alone, and very confused. She calls for Nadine and puts on a black slip before going looking for her new lover in the house. (I particularly love the room with red curtain tassels hanging all over from the ceiling) Outside she finds Nadine, floating face-up and naked in the pool with her red scarf draped from her neck--and apparently dead. The sight causes Linda to faint.

Cut to a private clinic as a patient named Agra (Heidrun Kissin) has a fit.  And note that her room has all kinds of hard surfaces and things she could injure herself on. The orderly (Michael Berling) comes in and slaps her back to her senses. Agra raves that "she" is coming back for her, finally, and begs the orderly to make sure "she" doesn't leave her again. He assures her that he'll make sure of it--and then leaves to go see the head doctor, Dr. Alwin Seward (Dennis Price), yet another Dracula connection. (And I feel sure "Westinghouse" is meant to make us think of "Westenra," somehow)

Dr. Seward is currently reading from a book about vampires or some occult subject when the orderly walks in to tell him about Agra's fit. Seward tells the orderly to fetch an injection before he goes to see Agra, who is now hilariously chipper in a way that suggests she's learned how to play semi-adjusted for the audience. She happily tells Seward that "she" was there, but Agra can't tell him her visitor's name--just that she is "the Queen of the Night." This disappoints Seward, who seemed far more interested in her identity than a doctor treating an insane woman should be.

Meanwhile, Linda wakes up in another room of the clinic. The orderly is reading a book next to her and when she asks him who he is and where she is, the guy just silently gets up and leaves. Seward comes in to introduce himself to her. He explains where she is, but she doesn't remember even her own name, much less what happened to her. luckily, Omar comes to the clinic, having seen Seward's ad about a girl found on the beach. He explains who Linda is to Seward and to the incredulous orderly.

All he knows is that Linda disappeared from her hotel room several days ago. Seward explains that Linda was found in shock and having lost a lot of blood, but is doing better now. He has the orderly show Omar to Linda's room. Seeing Omar helps Linda regain her memory almost immediately. On the boat ride back to Istanbul, and they walk around the city, Linda explains that she still doesn't remember anything about her time on the island--aside from the imagine of a dead, naked woman floating in a pool that she thinks was Countess Carody. She wonders aloud if it could all have been a dream.

The fact that Nadine is watching her from a window makes me think that, no, it was not a dream.

Omar thinks Linda just needs time to forget it. Maybe they should go on a holiday, he says as they stand in the reflection of a Pan Am advertisement. Cut to a mansion on a cliff, where Nadine lies upon an ottoman and recounts aloud, perhaps to the nearby Morpho or perhaps just to herself, how she was all alone in her parents' house a hundred or two hundred years ago--she can't remember any more--when soldiers were raiding the streets and raping the women in the streets. Unfortunately, they quickly found her, too. Her cries of agony were heard, however, by an unlikely savior: Count Dracula. Dracula murdered the soldier raping her and offered to take all her suffering away.

Dracula fed on her blood for days until she was growing weak and then shared the secret of vampirism with her. Men disgust Nadine even now (because this was 1970 and you had to "explain" a lesbian by her having had a bad experience with men) but she has captivated many women over the years, taking over them and consuming their identities. But now she's met Linda, and suddenly she finds herself under Linda's spell. She has no choice, she feels, but to initiate Linda into the secret world of vampires.

Meanwhile, Linda and Omar make love--while Nadine and Morpho watch. (And dig the gigantic medallion that Nadine wears) After the couple fall asleep, Nadine wakes Linda by calling to her and Linda gets dressed and heads out of the hotel room. Nadine then approaches Omar, but we don't see what--if anything--she does to him. Linda finds herself in the mansion, in the room where Nadine awaits by the ottoman. And then Nadine offers her a drink from what looks like a vase full of wine, but after Linda drinks, Nadine tells her it was blood. Linda's confused face is pretty priceless.

"Actually, it's just Strawberry Fanta." "Fanta? Disgusting!"

Nadine then tells her that the Queen of the Night will welcome her with open arms. She then tells Linda a magic phrase to repeat, "Kovec nihe trekatsch." It's no "Klaatu borada nikto" but it'll do. The two kiss then, passionately. Nadine then lays back on the the ottoman and whispers, "Save me," as Linda lustfully undresses her and begins kissing all over her naked body. Meanwhile, Agra is sensing this while clutching a penis-shaped clown doll to her. When Nadine bites Linda on the neck, Agra cries out in dismay.

The next day, Linda and Omar at Dr. Seward's, because Omar is in a catatonic state. Seward assures her that Omar has lost some blood but will be fine. Linda observes that she thinks it was her fault, but Seward condescendingly tells her she is a charming girl but has no grasp of occultism and certainly cannot influence the supernatural. Linda points out that Omar had two marks on his neck and had lost a lot of blood, so Seward reveals that he's spent a lot of time studying vampires and that she does not need to worry because Omar will not become a vampire, in his opinion.

However, he is concerned that Linda is in danger of becoming one. Linda confirms she suspected as much. Seward explains that he knows how someone can protect themselves against vampires--but despite promising to tell her how, he actually just tells her how to kill a vampire. I mean, I guess that is a form of protection, yes. According to Seward, if you kill a vampire it will then vanish entirely, but the only way to kill one is with a blow to the head--either by splitting the skull with an axe or piercing the skull with a metal rod.

And now I'm wondering if this film influenced John Landis when creating his vampires in Innocent Blood, who had to be killed by destroying the brain.

Seward then goes to see Agra, who is having a fit that looks more like erotic interpretative dance. She is upset because "she" was inside her but now is gone. However, her despair suddenly turns to inexplicable joy, because Agra just learned that "she" is coming back to her--because "she" wants to meet Dr. Seward. This is not exactly what Seward wants to hear, since it should be plain by now that Agra is the Renfield of this story.

Seward goes to see Omar, then, who has fully recovered. Seward tells Omar that he is free to go, but Omar is worried about Linda. She's been acting strange lately and he fears she won't survive another "attack." Seward assures him that Linda will be fine--if she does what he told her to do. Omar decides that's good enough, but as he is leaving the clinic he is stopped by Agra outside. She babbles about being locked up because they think she's crazy--but she tells him that it's really because they know she's in touch with supernatural powers. She tells Omar he must go to "her" house of Uskalan, on the mountain. He must be careful, though, because "she" will hate him for being a man.

Then Seward and the orderly appear and drag Agra back to her room, with Seward yelling at Omar to leave and never come back. Okay, then. That should have lowered his suspicions, doc! Well, Omar's day of fun is just beginning because he finds Linda is not in their hotel room. At the front desk he discovers Linda has checked out and the clerk has no idea where she went. Well, unfortunately she's gone back to the inn across from Nadine's island--just in time to run into Memmet, who chases her down and chloroforms her.

Now it's time for a nightclub scene! Nadine grooves around with some musicians who are clearly not playing the instruments we're hearing. As Morpho watches him from the audience, Omar enters the club and watches as Nadine's big act starts up again--this time set to a memorable song called "The Lion & The Cucumber", which you've heard if you've seen Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown. Once again, it's a combination of striptease and reverse striptease as Nadine strips and places her clothes on the naked "mannequin." Omar ends up storming out in disgust midway through, so he doesn't see that this tiime something goes wrong. Perhaps overcome with the hunger and lust that Linda has awakened in her, Nadine ends the routine by tearing her performance partner's throat out and feeds on her blood. The audience, not realizing what they're seeing, applaud vigorously.

Seward, meanwhile, is taking down notes about his studies on vampires and how he is more and more drawn to their world. Enough about his Carmilla fan fiction, though. The orderly intrudes long enough to advise Seward that Agra is sedated and sleeping peacefully, then leaves for the night. SO Seward is alone when he begins to head up the stairs to check on Agra--and the clock strikes 12 and Nadine appears below him. And no, I have no idea why it's supposedly midnight but it was bright sunlight in the establishing shot and is clearly daylight outside the stained glass window behind Seward.

Seward demands to know who she is and she just asks why he pretends he doesn't knows already. He explains he has been waiting for her because he wants her help to enter the world of the vampires. Seward swears he only tried to take Linda from Nadine in order to get Nadine to come to him, to make him a vampire--and then he repeats the magic phrase, "Kovec nihe trekatsch." This just pisses Nadine off, because he doesn't get to say the words because he's not in the club! Oh, and she's there to kill him.

Seward then reverses course and begins repeating a prayer in Latin, to Nadine's revulsion. Unfortunately for Seward, though, it seems the prayer does not affect Morpho, who appears at the top of the stairs when Nadine calls for him. Seward is strangled to death and Nadine calmly walks over his corpse in order to teleport into Agra's room. She could have just used the dooor like a normal human, but that's for squares. She reaches out to the naked Agra and then tells her that she only came to say goodbye forever--and vanishes. Agra weeps loudly.

At his office, Dr. Steiner is reading a newspaper report about the murder of Dr. Seward when Omar barges in and asks if Steiner has seen it. Steiner replies that, yes, he saw about the death of the "charlatan who studied vampires." Omar explains that Linda has disappeared and he thinks it's linked. Steiner suggests that Linda is just with another man, but then Omar points out that there was another murder--a dancer bit through her partner's jugular on stage. Omar knows the dancer lives in Uskalan and he thinks the dancer can lead them to Linda.

Well, not directly, because Linda has just come to in the wine cellar, tied to a chair, Memmet then appears with a hacksaw. He babbles about Linda being there to meet the heirs of Dracula, and then reveals that his wife was a woman named Agra. When she went to the island she came back crazy. That's the last coherent thing he says before raving about how she'll love him in death--and then he starts untying her so she can feel the pain better. He shows her the dead body of his last victim, talking about the happiness she felt from his torture. Linda manages to play the creep by claiming she wants to play the game and suffer but needs her hands free. After he unties her and is busy kissing all over her body, she grabs the hacksaw and swings it down at his head...

Steiner and Omar arrive at Uskalan then, only for Nadine to flee at their arrival and Morpho to cover her retreat by shooting at the two men. Nadine is looking oddly sickly when she takes the boat back to her island. Linda then arrives at the island, desperately trying to get in to the house. She passes by the scorpion, the poor creature now under the water of the pool and drowning. Once inside the house, Linda finds that Nadine is already there so I have no idea how much time has passed since Nadine fled Uskalan.

At any rate, Nadine is stretched out, naked, on a red ottoman. She is dying and only Linda's blood can save her. Linda refuses to belong to Nadine. She reluctantly strokes Nadine's hair--and then Linda bites Nadine on the neck. Both Morpho and Agra sense something wrong is happening.  "No, I don't want to be like you," Linda says, pulling the metal rod from her pocket, "That is why I must do it." And then she drives the rod home, splattering her face with blood.

"Who's laughing now?!"

Agra collapses in despair and Morpho comes running. He angrily charges in, tosses Linda aside, and kisses the dead lips of his mistress. He pulls the metal rod from Nadiine's eye and walks up the stairs before driving it through his own heart. Steiner and Omar then arrive on the island, both of them oddly pausing to observe the dead scorpion in the pool.

However, when they find Linda there is not a single trace of Nadine or Morpho, aside from the red scarf at Linda's feet. Omar tries to tell her it was all a dream on the boat ride back, but Linda knows better. The pain will fade in time, she thinks to her self, but the memory will remain. And then a kite sinks to earth. Fin.

RIP Scorpion. "I give my life for art."

While She Killed in Ecstasy is unmistakably a Jess Franco film, it's this film that truly feels like the ultimate example of a Jess Franco film. You have Soledad Miranda in the lead, you have a soundtrack that doesn't seem to fit the onscreen action, inexplicable cinematic choices, copious nudity, and the most important Franco quality of all, which the previous Franco film we looked at lacked--nightclub routines that stop the plot cold!

Though, it must be said that this film actually makes the night club scenes a part of the plot, which Franco did not often care enough to do.

Looked at technically, I suppose Vampyros Lesbos is not a good film. It's actually quite competently made, especially for a Jess Franco film, but its story makes little sense. It has some serious tangents and pacing issues, and of course makes some silly choices that manage to be pretentious and goofy as hell at the same time. However, I find that I really don't mind any of that. I adore this film.

It's hard to explain why, exactly, I love this film but find a film like The Velvet Vampire to be insufferable. Both films at first glance seem to be nonsensical messes that are occasionally beautiful, with some surprisingly striking imagery. Both films have a story that doesn't really hold up to any kind of scrutiny. And both films feature a predatory lesbian vampire ultimately thwarted by the power of heteronormativity.

However, Vampyros Lesbos differs in a few big ways. First of all, its hetero couple that find themselves in the sights of a lesbian vampire are not insufferable. Sure, Omar is about as interesting as a block of wood, but he's not ever annoying nor is he a terrible actor--and Linda is really engaging, Moreover, the vampire that they encounter is more compelling. Soledad Miranda is the kind of actress who just feels otherworldy, no matter what role she is playing--so having her play a vampire just makes perfect sense.

To be fair, while this film is definitely more comfortable with actually embracing its homoerotic elements than The Velvet Vampire, I can't help but imagine it feels rather underwhelming for any lesbian or bisexual women in the audience. Miranda and Stromberg have definite chemistry, even in She Killed In Ecstasy. It never feels like a stretch that these two are attracted to each other...until they actual start trying to consummate that attraction. I honestly can't say how much of it is the limitations of two presumably heterosexual women pretending to engage in sex they're not interested in and how much of it is the expected limitations of a heterosexual man filming a love scene between two women for the male gaze, but what we see of their love scenes start to get awkward after they move past mere kissing. Honestly, I'm going to blame it on the direction because the glimpse we get of a heterosexual love scene between Linda and Omar is possibly even more awkward.

It's true that this is not a film for everyone. I've known plenty of people who found it outright insufferable. And, I have to say I can understand how they might feel that way because Severin's amazing Blu-ray edition* of this film includes a DVD version of what they call a "bootleg" copy (read: this is the best source we could license and it looks like shit but we wanted to include it anyway) of Las Vampiras, the Spanish-language version of this film. And watching that version before I rewatched the actual film for my review made me start to rethink my love of it.

[* Seriously, if you are interested in owning this film, you need the Severin Blu-ray in your life. It looks gorgeous ad has a wealth of extras]

Las Vampiras, for starters, tries to make the film more coherent and conventional. It has a soundtrack that is more conventional and usually fits the action on screen, it creates a whole new backstory for Nadine (now Nadia) through an opening voiceover and changing her dialogue when she talks to Morpho, and it completely alters the relationshp between Nadia and Linda (now Alice). For starters, all of the nudty has been cut out. It's like watching the broadcast television version. Second, the film tries to pull a "just gals being pals" on a lesbian vampire movie! Nadia and Alice never kiss and Nadia metions, "Alice, whom I have made my sister..."

It's wrong and weird, through and through. And, of course, because the nudity is gone there is only one nightclub scene, which is rendered utterly inexplicable. In Las Vampiras, Omar shows up at the nightclub to find Alice after she checks out of the hotel room--despite having no reason to think she would be there--and sees Nadia dancing around while the band grooves. Then he storms out in disgust. It actually makes the scene more inexplicable!

So, yes, it seems that when you strip Vampyros Lesbos of its exploitative elements and its goofy, usually inappropriate soundtrack, I don't like it. However, when those elements are in their proper place I love it.

Whether by incompetence or design--frankly I'm pretty sure by both--I find this to be a beautiful, surreal dreamscape of a film. Your milage may vary, but if you're curious about Jess Franco I would recommend you start with this film and She Killed In Ecstasy. If you enjoy those, than you'll probably find even more to enjoy in Franco's inexplicable and wildly varying oeuvre. If you don't like them, I recommend staying far, far away from the rest of Jess Franco's films. That way lies madness.

Today's review brought to you by the letter V! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for V!

What would being a vampire really be like? I don't mean in a scientifically realistic sense, I'm not asking about how a vampire would realistically exist. I mean, what would it be like to actually be a traditional vampire?

It's not exactly a question that has gone unanswered in the annals of vampire lore. Anne Rice's answer may be often derided by horror fans, but it's at least an attempt. Yet a lot of vampire films don't really get into it, or if they do it's often to take one side. Either that being a vampire is an eternal torment, or being a vamire is awesome! (And sometimes sparkly)

It's also not a subject that has never been exploited for comedy, but I'm pretty sure I have never before seen it used as fodder for a mockumentary. Thankfully, a bunch of New Zealanders decided that was an oversight that neded to be corrected.

We open with a title card explaining that there is a secret society that regularly holds a get-together known as the Unholy Masquerade. The filmmakers have been granted a window into the world of this secret society. All of their crew wore crucifixes at all times and were guaranteed protection.

Thus we are introduced to a flat in a suburb of Wellington, New Zealand. An alarm clock goes off, annoucing it is 6PM, and Viago (Taika Waititi, co-writer and co-director) awkwardly rises from his coffin after snoozing it. As he excitedly explains to the camera--and Waititi's sing-song line delivery will prove a delight throughout the film--this is the most nervous time of day for him, as thanks to time changes you can never ell if the sun has fully set. To his relief, when he opens the curtains, it has.

Viago, aged 379, explains that part of why he agreed to do this documentary was to dispel some of the public conceptions of vampires--even if most are true. He then goes about waking his flat mates, starting with Deacon (Jonathan Brugh), aged 183, who sleeps hanging upside down in a closet. He then wakes Vladislav (Jemaine Clement, the other co-writer and co-director), aged 862, whose room first appears as what is clearly an illusion of him engaged in an orgy. The final flate mate lives down in the basement and sleeps under a heavy slab. Viago has to take a live chicken with to wake said flat mate, Petyr (Ben Fransham), aged 8,000--who is a non-verbal, feral vampire and dead ringer for Count Orlock of Nosferatu fame. Even Viago is frightened of Petyr, so the vampire is not really invited along to the flat meeting Viago has organized.

Time has not been good to Bat-Boy.

The issue of the meeting is basically that Deacon is not pulling his weight in the flat. His chore is dishes, and a huge pile of literally bloody dishes has piled up over the past few years. Viago, the full-on dandy of the group, is also annoyed because his flat mates aren't more careful when they're eating victims. For instance, one of them ruined his antique couch ("The red one?""Well, yes, it's red now.") and he would just prefer if they would put down towels and newspaper before feeding.

We're then introduced to a bit of what live is like for a vampire in the modern world as they go out for the evening. They meet some fellow vampires, inluding a pair of vampire girls who are maybe all of 12-years-old in appearance. They happily explain that they've arranged to meet a pedophile in order to kill and eat him--which I imagine describes what most of their meals are like.

Unfortunately, being a vampire isn't really all that easy. For one thing, none of their fashions have evolved with the times and before they go out, they have to get each other's opinions on their outfits--no reflections and all. You have to be invited in to any club or bar in order to go inside. So the only place they usually can go, since it's vampire friendly, is largely devoid of any people to eat. They certainly manage, though--as we see Viago bring a victim back home, put down newspaper and towels before biting her, and then he hilariously puncturse her main artery by mistake, spraying blood everywhere and barely getting any in his mouth.

"Well, I guess I can compare notes on cleaning this up with Bruce Campbell..."

We get a better feel of the backstories of each vampire. Viago is the youngest and thus the most rebellious, who was turned by Petyr after he strayed too close to a creepy castle. He was also a nazi vampire during World War II, so naturally that ended badly. Vlad used to be called "Vlad the Poker," and has been an expert in torturing for centuries. He shows the crew his torture chamber, which he doesn't use all that much nowadays--except when he's in a bad place. And Viago fell in love with a human in the early 20th Century and tried to follow the girl when her family emigrated to New Zealand, but his human servant botched the postage and by the time his coffin made it to New Zealand she had married another. He thught about killing her husband, but he wanted her to be happy so he stepped aside. Viago did get a locket from his beloved, and put his own face inside it opposite hers--but it's pure silver, so he can never wear it because it will burn him horribly.

Vlad's life has been far from charmed as well. He used to be a flawless shapeshifter and mesmerist, but then he faced defeat at a foe he only refers to as The Beast a few centuries ago. Now he can't ever get the faces right when he turns into animals, and his mesmerism is hit or miss.

Luckily, Deacon has somewhat of a solution to some of their woes. He has a human servant, Jackie (Jackie Van Beek), who refers to herself as his "familiar" and only does menial tasks for the vampires (like taking their clothes to a dry cleaner and explaining the blood away as her husband being a hemophiliac) because Deacon has promised he will turn her into a vampire. Deacon enlists her to find him a woman and a man, both virgins, to bring to their flat under the guise of a dinner party.

Vlad explains the virgin obsession vampires have by likening to preferring to eat a sandwich that you know nobody has had sex with. Well, Jackie brings the vampires a woman named Josephine (Chelsie Preston Crayford) who mocked her once in school, and an old ex-boyfriend named Nick (Cori Gonzalez-Macuer). It turns out in conversation that neither of them are virgins, of course, but that's apparently not a dealbreaker. The vampires have Jackie feed the guests cold spaghetti from a can, so that they can play one of Deacon's favorite games--making Nick think he's eating worms. Deacon admits he stole this from The Lost Boys, but puts his own spin on it by then making Nick think his penis is a cobra.

Nick has finally had enough weirdness and decides to leave, but after he sees that Jackie is driving off, Vlad and Deacon begin chasing after him. (There's something exra hilarious about remembering that this whole chase requires a cameraman and a guy with a boom mic to be chasing Nick, too) Nick sees Viago devouring Josephine, then sees a cat with Vlad's face, before having Deacon climb out of Nick's own backpack to attack him. Nick finally finds the door out of the flat as they float after him--but he only gets a few yards from the flat before Petyr tackles him. "Who let Petyr out?" Viago wonders.

Three months pass, and then we discover that Petyr actually turned Nick into a vampire. We see some of the footage of him turning into a vampire, including the neat bit of his reflection moving separately from him and then disappearing totally. We quickly learn Deacon resents Nick for replacing him as the youngest member of the group, and for being the most modern. Nick, meanwhile, is eager to prove himself to the others and introduces them to club where he knows the bouncer so they can finally be invited in.

Nick also introduces them to his friend, Stu (Stu Rutherford). Stu is a human and Nick has no intention of eating him, but hilariously the other vampires--even Petyr--are also on board with not eating Stu. In fact, they love Stu. Not only does he not seem remotely surprised by them being vampires--Stu doesn't seem surprised by much--but he inroduces them to modern technology like cell phones, Google, and Skype. (You can imagine Vlad's delight when he learns about a certain Facebook feature) Viago is able to Skype with his old servant, but the man is 90 years old and feels sad and vaguely betrayed that Viago never made good on the promise of turning him. So that call ends quickly.

As it turns out, Viago's lost love Katherine (Ethel Robinson) also still lives--in a rest home in Wellington, which Viago often waits outside to stare forlornly at her window.

After another night at the club, the group--including Stu--ends up running afoul of a pack of werewolves. This starts a brief Jets vs. Sharks stand-off, but the pack leader, Anton (Rhys Darby), does everything he can to keep his pack from wolfing out and attacking the vampires. It's hard to decide what's funnier, him advising them to, "Count to ten, human again," or forcing them to repeat that are, "Werewolves, not swearwolves." The pack and the vampires end up going separate ways without casualty, since it's not a full moon.

"Wait, I distinctly remember being told I had the Mark of the Swearwolf."

Of course, while Deacon may have it in for Nick because of jealousy, his concerns about how trustworthy the new vampire is aren't unfounded. Nick goes around gleefully telling everyone that he's a vampire. Including a cashier he terrifies by morphing his face and a man in a bar who claims he's a vampire hunter (Brad Harding). Deacon gets so incensed by this that he and Nick get into a bat fight. After the others break it up, they lecture Nick about telling too many people about being a vampire while sitting in a fast food joint, as Stu eats chips. Nick tries the worm thing on Stu, but the others explain it only works on food that already looks like worms. Then Nick makes the mistake of eating a single chip. It seems that eating actual food makes vampires projectile vomit blood.

So Nick is already disillusioned with being a vampire before tragedy strikes. The other vampires are awakened in the middle of the day by Petyr screaming. they open the cellar door and discover sunlight has gotten in and Petyr is burning to death. Unfortunately, they can't do anything to save him. Examining the scene after dark, they discover the body of a man adorned with a vest full of homemade stakes and a crucifix. He must have broken in through the window and awakened Petyr, who killed the intruder by snapping his head 180 degrees before the sunlight killed him in turn. Turning the guy's head around, Nick recognizes the vampire hunter from earlier and sheepishly admits that he gave the guy his email address because he assumed the guy was joking about being a vampire hunter.

Deacon is interrupted in his attempt to kill Nick by the arrival of Officer O'Leary (Karen O'Leary) and Officer Minogue (Mike Minogue), responding to the calls from neighbors reporting a break-in, screams, and smoke. Viago hypnotizes them into seeing nothing, but he adnits his hypnotism is not great so by the time they finally get the officers out of the flat, they've had several close calls--that turned out to just be the officers noticing fire hazards.

Viago, Vlad, and Deacon vote that Nick be indefinitely barred from the flat for his crimes. Things have mostly gotten to normal by the time the invite for the Unholy Masquerade arrives, inviting all vampires, witches, and zombies. (werewolves are apparently not invited) However, the invite comes with some awful news for Vlad. He had been expecting to be the guest of honor, but the invite declares the guest to be none other than...The Beast. This masquerade might be a bit more intense than usual...

Their album drops Tuesday.

It's hard to find anything to say about What We Do In The Shadows, because this film is amazing and it's always a bit tougher to write about films you love than those you hate. Coming into the film, I had only a passing familiarity with Jemaine Clements' work and didn't even remember seeing Taiki Waititi in Green Lantern. I knew it was a mockumentary about vampires and the trailer looked at least somewhat fun, but I kind of expected that it would end up not being as clever as it thought it was. Hell, for all I knew it would turn out to be as disappointing as WolfCop.

I am so glad to discover that I was wrong.

The simple fact that I haven't given away the entire plot alone should tell you how much I loved this movie. Even movies I'm hugely fond of I might spoil, but I feel this one needs to be experienced as fresh as possible.

There's a multitude of factors at work to make this movie so great. The cast are wonderful and all play off each other beautifully. There's not a weak link in the bunch, even though Viago, Vlad, and even Deacon would be one-note characters in less capable hands, they are constantly funny and compelling. The direction hits the perfect notes for a mockumentary as well, and it never forgets that the camera is diagetic--characters react to the presence of the documentary crew many times. And while a lot of the dialogue was improvised, the writing is another place it shines.

For one thing, as my girlfriend observed, this movie was clearly created by people who knew a lot about vampire lore and wanted to show off their knowledge. More importantly, they wanted to explore what being a vampire means. There's a lot of fun had with the characteristics and weaknesses of vampires in this film, as well as actually toying with the idea of how creatures who never change handle a world that changed without them.

The movie also never forgets that we're looking at a world of monsters. We find the vampires and werewolves charming, but the film also remembers that they are frightening. The film is definitely heavier on the comedy than horror, but unlike the worst horror comedies it doesn't completely forget the horror in favor of the laughs. Mainly because it doesn't feel to soften its monsters just because it's making them funny. Those not-swearwolves still tear people apart when the count to ten fails, the vampires play mind games with their victims before killing them, and Vlad tortures people when he gets depressed. Just because it's funny in this context doesn't make it less explicitly horrifying. That's the way dark comedy should be.

Even the bits of this movie that aren't as well thought out are still great. While there's a certain predictability to the way it ends, and it should be obvious early on what the real identity of The Beast is--that doesn't lessen the quality of its ending, nor the reveal of the Beast any less amusing.

Bottom line, this film is a delight from start to finish. I would definitely say it's one of the best films I've seen all year, and this is the year Mad Max: Fury Road came out so it has serious competition. It's always nice to have a completely unqualified recommendation for HubrisWeen, and this is definitely that. Rent it or buy it, but defintely see it post haste.

And for those who have seen it: yes, it's true. That is the way that I would have wanted to go out--disemboweled by werewolves.


Today's review brought to you by the letter W! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for W!

When you get right down to it, kaiju are weird. I don't mean in the sense of how strange the basic concept of an enormous monster destroying a city is, I specifically mean Japanese giant monsters. You can almost always tell a Japanese monster from a Western monster because Japanese monsters have no compunctions about being utterly ridiculous.

Just look at the various evil kaiju that Gamera has vanquished over the years. Watch a few episodes of Ultra Q and Ultraman to see some truly weird monsters. Hell, the titular superhero of Ultraseven fought a creature called Dinosaur Tank because it is literally a dinosaur fused to a tank. You see what I mean?

Yet even among the leagues of bizarre kaiju, Guilala is firmly in the lead.

I've spoken about Shochiku Studios on here before, but starting in 1967 they decided to get into the genre game in a big way. At the time, kaiju films and TV shows were all the rage in Japan. So it's not surprising that studios that had never attempted it before decided to jump into the game. (And not just in Japan, but we'll get to Yongary, Monster From The Deep another day) Of course, the newcomers all pretty well proved why Toho and Daiei Studios were the true pros. Just look at Nikkatsu Studios'Gappa: The Triphibian Monster for a good example of why kaiju eiga were best left to Toho and even Daiei.

Now, Shochiku had just as little of an idea of what they were doing as Nikkatsu, and there's no question that The X From Outer Space shows its "amateur" status clear as day. However, unlike Gappa: The Triphibian Monster, which just slapped together various other monster stories and played them off as ts own, this film actually tries to be its own thing. And it's a lot easier to forgive a film with ambitions beyond its reach than a lazy cash-in.

We kick off with the credits rolling over drawings of constellations and set to a theme song that is a delightfully inexplicable jazzy number. We open with a helicopter touching down at the base of Mt. Fuji and disgorging a white guy with a goatee, whose general demeanor screams "scientist in charge of stuff." We'll later discover this is Dr. Berman (Franz Gruber). The helicopter is clearly at some kind of rocket base and a group of guards rushes forward to unload the helicopter's cargo. The last guard does not close the door right afterwards, hilariously providing us the visual of the helicopter door popping back open and then swinging closed again. Naturally, this distracts us from the guard having Dr. Berman sign something.

The cargo is a metal box labeled in Japanese, but the subtitles say it says "Enriched Nuclear Rocket Fuel." So naturally, everybody gets nervous when the guys loading it into a station wagon almost drop it. Inside the rocket base, we see the crew of the AAB Gamma rocket mission to Mars being briefed. They are: mission commander Capt. Sano (Shun'ya Wazaki), medical officer Dr. Shioda (Keisuke Sonoi), mission biologist and token gaijin Lisa NoLastName (Peggy Neal), and the Japanese equivalent of "Brooklyn Guy", communications officer Miyamoto (Shin'ichi Yanagisawa). The director of the FAFC, which is the name of this fictional rocket group but I don't recall the acronym ever being explained, brings them up to speed on what they're facing:

Every Mars mission so far has ended in disastrous failure, after the missions reported back encountering a UFO. Their mission is to identify what this UFO is and, ideally, make it to Mars. Miyamoto uses his "concern" that this may be too scary for Lisa to awkwardly hit on her, but despite the fact that Lisa is the sort of character who seems to say 90% of her dialogue in a flirtatious manner she is not down for his antics. Well, in a 1967 good-natured annoyance kind of way. And then Dr. Shioda jokingly points out that Miyamoto is the one most likely to get anxious and forget stuff--which Lisa laughs way too hard at.

AAB Gamma is launched without a hitch, and separates from its rocket to reveal that it is one swank rocket. It looks like some kind of hot rod in space. And, naturally, as is the way of rockets in sci-fi from this period, it is constantly firing its propulsion rocket. Hilariously, Miyamoto forgets that they're in Zero G and lets his clipboard float away. Lisa starts to unstrap and retrieve it, but Sano stops her and then just flips on the artificial gravity. As is often the case in sci-fi films, we are given zero indication as to how this gravity is generated.

"Let's blast, Space Daddio!"

Almost immediately, AAB Gamma finds itself halfway between the Earth and Mars and is buzzed by the UFO. The UFO is, hilariously, out of focus the entire time. Presumably this is to disguise how silly it looks, since it's a fuzzy-looking flying saucer with blinking lights inside it. Miyamoto describes it as a gigantic "fried egg," while my girlfriend astutely described it more as a hamburger somebody sat on. Whatever the saucer is, it plays havoc with their communications and instruments. This will later be attrtibuted o the vessel being powered by some form of magnetic force.

When Shioda is overcome by some myterious space sickness, Sano makes the call to bugger off to the moon base. Lisa objects that Shioda needs medical attention first, but Sano orders her to strap in--which she does, reluctantly. Luckily for them, the UFO lets them go.

They radio in their arrival to the moonbase, whose communications officer is Michiko (Itoko Harada). It seems there's something between Sano and Michiko, because Lisa excitedly tells Michiko that she's heard so much about her and can't wait to meet her--while Michiko reacts to Lisa's existence with instant icy jealousy. So jealous is Michiko, in fact that she cuts off the communication, overturns the framed photo of Sano on her desk, and rotates her desk so she can walk away. When one of the other moonbase officers points out that AAB Gamma is coming in too fast and needs to be radioed to adjust their speed, Michiko has to be badgered into calling to warn them!

Sure, the AAB Gamma crashing into the landing platform could kill everyone on board and possibly kill everyone in the moonbase, too--but her boyfriend has a woman working on his spaceship!

AAB Gamma does safely land, however. Amusingly, Michiko is totally fine with greeting Sano and Lisa in person now, so I have no idea what was up with her prior outburst. And Lisa is tremendously delighted to meet Michiko still, which I'll come back to later. Shioda, meanwhile, is rushed to Dr. Stein (Mike Daneen), who declares that he just had a minor bout of space sickness but he should stay in the moonbase and rest. Shioda says the Mars mission can't wait for him to get better, but Stein says that's not his problem.

The crew is invited to dinner, where we see that apples grown on the moon grow gigantic--which the moonbase director attributes to unfiltered ultraviolet light. He still prefers the flavor of Earth apples, though, because there's just no pleasing some folks. Oh, and Lisa brought some beautiful earrings for Michiko. Sano points out that those weren't on the manifest and jokingly accuses her of smuggling them aboard. Lisa replies that he ought to be able to overlook it since "after all, I am a woman--and they were for Michiko," which is followed by such a broad wink that Lisa might have wondered out of a bawdy Monty Pytho sketch.

The crew then go and frolic on the moon's surface, which mainly consists of the actors in space suits climbing on rocks--which appear to be mossy--and then bouncing on obvious hidden trampolines in slow-motion. Lisa observes Michiko and Sano with an obvious ping of jealousy, but she apparently handles it better than Michiko because she doesn't disconnect anyone's air hose.

Back in the moon base, Miyamoto and Sano enjoy a hot bath together. When Miyamoto asks how they found water on the moon, Sano explains that the water isn't real. It's somehow derived from moon rock, but when Miyamoto asks how it's different from real water, all Sano can do is go on a dull rant about how it's fake and artficial and how could you enjoy that? So Miyamoto turns on the cold faucet over Sano's head. Meanwhile, Lisa and Michiko are showering in adjacent stalls. Lisa literally drops the soap and then kicks it over to Michicko--which, aside from the obvious joke, seems really unsafe. What if Michiko slipped on it?

At any rate, Michiko and Lisa talk about Sano. Lisa clearly admires him as a commander, but Michiko still somewhat interprets this as Lisa being romantically attracted to Sano. This is because the movie does mean to infer that Lisa has an unrequited crush on Sano--however somehow this got mixed up in the filming process because it's impossible to read Lisa's feelings as anything but her having a crush on Michiko. I mean, seriously, how else can you interpret Lisa's behavior towards Michiko so far? She's barely acknowledged Sano in anything but a professonal capacity, whilst constantly talking about being delighted to meet Michiko and brought her a gift of jewelry! And that wink after she delivered the gift!

As my girlfriend so often says, I ship it.

"Dear Penthouse: I am a radio operator on the moonbase and I never thought this would happen to me..."

At any rate, the orders come through and since Dr. Shioda cannot come along on the Mars mission, FAFC orders Dr. Stein to be the mission doctor. Stein is furious because he was supposed to be going home to his wife soon, and he hates being in space. (He seems to be in the wrong line of work, then) Well, unfortunately for all involved, his whining does not stop once they are back on their way to Mars. When Lisa tries to serve the space food lunch, Stein gets angry about having to eat the foil-packed swill--and we get the feeling the crew has been tolerating his jackassness for days.

Sano has to practically throttle the man to get him to shut up long enough to confirm he is, indeed hearing a meteor shower hitting the outer hull. Hilarity ensues when the crew rushes to strap themselves in--Lisa just drops her lunch to the floor, then Miyamoto oddly hads his to her so she then throws his aside before rushing to her chair. One metoer burns a hole in their hull. They all don their helmets, but in the struggle to get the oxygen in the cabin shut off, Miyamoto is sucked butt-first towards the hull breach. He is spared having his intestines sucked out of his anus when Sano shoves the useless Stein aside and shuts the oxygen off, thus stopping the violent decompression.

They barely have the hull beach patched when the UFO comes calling again. This time it traps them in some kind of tractor beam or magnetic pull. Sano cuts the engines, realizing that a full burn against the force is just wasting their fuel. Stein panics, sure that they're all going to die, and wrests the controls away from Sano. Just as Sano predicted, though, a full burn does nothing but leave them with an empty tank and adrift in space when the UFO apparently loses interest in them. Luckily, this means they can radio the moonbase to bring fuel.

However, Lisa notices their latest brush with the UFO has somehow left some strange objects on their rear rocket. Sano and Lisa do a space walk to investigate. Whatever it is it looks like a fuzzy, powdery substance with flashing chunks of rock inside it. Lisa puts one rock in a sample jar that looks like an empty lantern, while Sano tries to clear the rest of the hull. Luckily, Michiko and her co-pilot soon arrive with more nuclear fuel, which Stein eagerly helps them load. Of note is that Stein is now, inexplicably, helpful and willing to defer to the others' orders. I am therefore outraged that were clearly deprived of the scene where they all took turns kicking Stein in the ribs.

Well, the Mars mission is scrubbed for now so the sample of space pollen can be brought back to the FAFC base in Japan for analysis. (But not, you know, the base on the moon where it could be studied with no risk to nearby inhabitated areas) Lisa has barely begun any tests on it when Berman and Kato suggest everyone come to a party at Kato's house to celebrate, leaving the sample alone and unsupervised. So naturally, Kato gets a call from the base guards almost at once that someting has gone wrong at the lab and the sample is missing.

Inside the lab, the group finds a hole burned through the floor that apparently goes deep underground. The sample is not entirely gone, actually, but remains is a brittle outside covering--almost like an eggshell, though nobody makes that observation as Lisa puts it back into another container with tongs. And then Miyamoto notices an impression in the floor and grabs a nearby beaker of liquid (!) to pour into the impression to confirm that it does, in fact, appear to be a three-toed footprint. Sano observes it looks like a chicken, but I wouldn't go that far.

Meanwhile, a power station observes a drastic drop-off in their power output, as though it's being drained from somewhere. Sano, Michiko, Lisa and Miyamoto meanwhile head to a nearby hotel bar for drinks--and one of the hotel staff comes out to mention they've had rolling blackouts lately. Now, this seems to be maybe an hour after they got news of the sample going missing, but it almost sounds like it's been much longer. Anyway, the hotel lights go out as they walk up: and the a nearby hillside explodes as something big groans and growls.

And then Guilala bursts forth from the hillside, framed by explosions as he stretches his arms out like he's in a Busby Berkeley musical and roars. Then, inexplicably, some boiling hot liquid pours down the hillside. Lava? Hot mud? Guilala urine? I have no idea. At any rate, our heroes stand around looking stunned--which is the only possible reaction to Guilala--and we fade to black.

There's really no way to adequately describe Guilala. Like many kaiju his overall body structure suggests a dinosaurish creature, and his bumpy skin does rather suggest scales. His hands are four-fingered claws, his feet are rather bird-like talons, and his tail terminates in a crab-like claw. However, his arms look like big puffy sleeves, his head is shaped vaguely like a Diplocaulus if it had a beak, he has glowing red eyes, a pulsating bulge under his jaw like a frog's vocal sac, and the top of his head has two floppy antennae and a structure that looks rather like an old boat horn. He is, to put it lightly, odd.


To be fair, in this reality the JSDF has never had to discover that they are useless. Unfortunately, they're about to find out in a big way. Guilala wades through Tokyo, unfazed by the tanks and fighter planes opposing him. And, hoo boy, this film makes you respect the work of Toho because the model work in this film is hilariously bad. Buildings crumble with obviously no internal structure, a few model tanks blow up in the process of firing, structures (like satellite dishes, for example) fall off of buildings in a way that implies they were never attached, and the film has not been slowed down nearly enough to lend Guilala any sense of scale.

"Making my way downtown / Moving fast..."

Hilariously, several of the planes attacking Guilala fly too low so he can easily swat them out of the sky. One plane actually flies right into Guilala's head! Then Guilala reveals he can spit fireballs, which he uses to wipe out the tank battalion ahead of him. (Amusingly the corners of his skull flip up (!) as he spits the fireballs) And then what appears to be a passenger jet flies overhead and Guilala gives it the fireball treatment--and the fireball clearly bounces off the plane before the model explodes.

The JSDF command center is apparently either set up in the FAFC HQ or they invited the FAFC personne to surpervise, but to my delight the tactical map the JSDF is using involves a huge wall map of the Tokyo area with one guy on a small scissor lift being pushed around by other guys so he can apply magnetic symbols to represent assets in play. Delightfully, destroyed areas are indicated by red cartoon explosions and Guilala is represented by a magnetic Guilala silhouette.

"We can't let Guilala in here! He'll see the big board!"

After being attacked by the expected useless maser tank knock-offs and destroying them, Guilala finds a seaside refinery and wades into the harbor to pick up a tanker and throw it into the refinery. Well, it's not Pacific Rim's boat-bat, but it'll do. Also, another way you can tell Teruyoshi Nakano was not involved in the special effects is that an exploding refinery results in a few wimpy explosions and some flames. If Nakano had done it, it would be a gigantic fireball--even if his budget didn't really allow for it.

Well, somehow Lisa gets the idea that the best way to defeat Guilala is to encase him in the material that was surrounding his spore in the first place, which she has dubbed the absolutely unpronounceable name "Guilalanium." Seriously, I can't say it aloud and the poor bastards dubbing this couldn't either, given almost none of them pronounces it the same way twice. Lisa and Berman hypothesize that the Guilalanium can be synthesized only in a vacuum, so they need to take the sample into space to make more of it.

Meanwhile, Guilala has still been smashing Tokyo well into the night. After destroying a couple tanks that had apparently been too worn out to shoot at him, he wanders into the countryside to attack a nuclear plant and feed on its energy. Hilariously, during this bit we see the JSDF map and the map guy suddenly gets an update on the location of Guilala and suddenly tosses the magnet to move it what appears to be dozens of miles. And this happens before we see Guilala glow red and turn into a giant glowing red meatball to fly away from the wreckage of the power plant. Just passing over the city in this form exercises the Flying Monster Rule, in that his mere passing blows up buildings for no reason.

And then Guilala-ball crashes into a reservoir which causes the nearby dam to immediately rupture. As he rises out of the water, we discover that they found a way to make him look even worse because the prop or suit for Guilala in the water has a longer, thinner neck and a smaller head.

Well, the Guilalanium synthesis appears to be going well, as far as anyone in the audience can tell--until the UFO shows up again as they're returning to Earth's orbit. As they attempt to flee, Sano notices a power drain, which isn't coming from the UFO. Lisa tracks it to the container of Guilalanium. Unless they can shield it, they will just be stuck in orbit around Earth. Michiko suggests that they put it in the sealed reactor chamber, but Sano points out this means putting it next to their only power supply. Still, they have little choice. Once the container is safely in the reactor chamber, control returns and they leave the UFO in the dust.

And that is, no joke, the last time the UFO will be relevant.

Back on earth, the Guilalanium is quickly unloaded and sent to the JSDF--hilariously transported in metal boxes where the word "Guilalanium" does not fit on the box without separating it with dashes. Unfortunately, Guilala then begins to make his way to the FAFC HQ to feed on the nuclear fuel stored there. (And no, I have no idea why he didn't go there first) Now, despite the fact that Guilala is on foot, when he gets close enough to chuck a crane at the launch pad and cause a massive explosion, the base staff are still loading the fuel onto trucks. Surely you guys had hours of warning!

Michiko delays the removal of the fuel even further by calling to all the men for aid because Lisa has gotten trapped in the wrecked lab. Somehow, what looks like a boiler fell over and pinned her leg under some other rubble. This would be a really uncomfortable sequence, what with the men able to raise the wreckage a little only for it crash back down on her leg, if it weren't so silly. First off, despite the urgency of needing to keep Guilala from eating all that fuel, every ma at the base gradually trickles in to help free Lisa.

Eventually they do--with Lisa somehow only requiring a light bandage on her ankle--but Guilala is now right on top of the base. So it falls to Miyamoto to drive a jeep while Sano sits in the trailer behind it so they can lure Guilala away with some of the fuel. Thus follows a truly adorable chase scene as Guilala pursues the jeep. There's some truly unfortunate shots that try to optically insert Guilala's hands into frame with the live actors, but naturally Guilala would have to be maybe a fourth of his actual size for the hand we see to be the proper scale.

Eventually Guilala does catch the trailer and dumps poor Sano into a ditch. Miyamoto dives out of the jeep just before it goes off an incline, naturally exploding at the top. Guilala eats the fuel and turns back toward the FAFC base for more. Somehow, Michiko and Lisa find their way to where Sano is tending to an injured Miyamoto in a ditch. Sano yells at them not to come down, which they ignore, but for once I'm on the side of the man telling women not to do something because why the hell is Lisa climbing down a steep incline with a busted ankle?!

Well, luckily it's time for the JSDF fighters to engage Guilala with rockets full of Guilalanium. Of course, he gets a few shots in, including one that blows up a jet and leaves its fuselage dangling on a wire like in The Brain From Planet Arous. The truly funny part begins, though, when the Guilalanium starts to take effect. Because holy crap does all the white stuff splattering on Guilala make it look like he's being, um...well...I guess "kaiju bukkake" will be a search keyword to bring folks to this site.

"I better be getting paid extra for this!"

After being splattered in white stuff, Guilala shrinks. Which just makes it funnier, of course. Somehow he shrinks down to the original spore. Lisa recovers it and places it in another lamp, and then it is immediately put onto a rocket and launched into space. According to Sano it's being sent out of our solar system, so hopefully it doesn't end up on an inhabited planet and cause a war. Michiko and Sano embrace romantically. Berman notices Lisa looking sad over this development and tries to comfort her. Lisa tells him that she has learned a lesson from Guilala that things should stay where they belong (!) which means that this film ends with a deliberate anti-interracial romance message.

Cut back to the rocket disappearing into space. The End.

When Teletubbies go bad.

If there was ever a movie that was painfully rooted in the time it was made, The X From Outer Space is it. From the smooth jazz soundtrack that so often sounds like it's supposed to diagetic muzak playing on the various rockets' PA systems, to the space effects, to the ambitious yet incompetent monster scenes, and the painfully awkward attempt at an interracial love triangle.

And I love it so.

Oh, this is not a very good movie in many ways. Having so many token gaijin characters means quite a bit of bad acting--and you can't blame the bad dubbing on the filmmakers, but it's hilariously dire, too. The music is hilariously inappropriate, and in fact repetitive because there only seems to be two or three themes that get repeated. The script also has no idea what should be important, since the mysterious UFO that has prevented the FAFC from reaching Mars turns out to be a complete MacGuffin despite it clearly being something that ought to be the crux of a story like this.

Then there's the monster, the most important part of a kaiju film. The sheer oddity of Guilala manages to carry the creature through and make him charming and memorable, despite the worst efforts of a suit actor who clearly has no clue what he's doing. In half the scenes the suit actor is just halfheartedly stomping forward with his arms dangling at his sides. Inspiring it is not.

Yet, when put all together this film is inexplicably charming. I don't mean in an ironic way, either, though it is certainly fun to mock. No, I mean that this film is just plain delightful in an earnest sort of way. It feels impossible to say anything bad about, despite it not being all that good. I'd be happy to tear Gappa, The Triphibian Monster down to size but I'd feel bad about being too hard on The X From Outer Space. This is a movie that gets by a lot on its simple enthusiasm that outstrips its ability, like an eager yet clumsy puppy in film form.

If you want a good kaiju film, pick up a Godzilla or Gamera flick. But if you want a charming misfire, then Guilala is definitely your friend.


Today's review brought to you by the letter X, the hardest letter of all! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for X!

You would never guess it, given the fact that the original Korean version has seemingly been lost and the US version was released directly to television, but Yongary, Monster From The Deep must have been very influential in South Korea. If you need any convincing of that fact, just look at Shim Hyung-rae's 1993 comedy Young-Goo and Dinosaur Zu-Zu where the director's "child" character befriends a goofy baby Ceratosaurus, only for some local bad guys to kidnap them both and awaken the rage of the baby's mother--who looks exactly like Yongary would if he'd been based on a Ceratosaurus instead of just vaguely resembling one.

On second thought, do not look at Young-Goo and Dinosaur Zu-Zu*. It can be found on some streaming video sites, but completely unsubtitled and even then the film's Komedy is insufferable. Imagine if Adam Sandler made a movie where he was pretending to be a dim-witted grade schooler, with only a tiny portion of the film's running time devoted to a giant monster plot. The film is so insufferable that I gave up on it shortly after the big dinosaur finally burst out of a volcano because I decided sleep was more important--and I wasn't even that tired.

[* If you actually do want to view one of Shim's comedies for some reason, try Tyranno's Claw instead. It's not funny, exactly, but it's a cavemen and dinosaurs movie so its dialogue is all just caveman gibberish--therefore no language barrier to cross if you don't speak Korean--and its dinosaurs are not exactly good but they are fun and memorable]

At any rate, Yongary, Monster From The Deep was influential enough that in the mid-1990s, when it seemed like every kaiju franchise was enjoying a revival, it was decided that Yongary deserved a return engagement. And who would be bringing us a new vision of everyone's (read: no one's) favorite gasoline-drinking dinosaur? Why, Shim Hyung-rae, of course!

It gets worse. When the film was originally announced--and I'm going off of nearly 20-year-old memories here because it's astonishingly hard to track down background on this project--it was going to be taking the expected man-in-suit trashing miniature cities route. No other details were available at that time, aside from a few shots of the Yonggary (as the creature's name was re-Romanized to be more accurate) suit.

The guy you'll be blaming for what's to come is on the left.

Already it was clear that Yonggary had undergone a radical redesign, similar to what happened to Godzilla. The original creature's design was more or less, "What if we put Gamera's head on Godzilla's body and then put a horn on his nose?" The remake's title creature is harder to pin down to any obvious influence: it's an armored creature with a row of bumps in place of any discernable dorsal plates, a tiny nose horn, spiked shouler pads, and a crown of swept-back horns on the back of its head.

"It's Yongary In Name Only!"

Well, then the news dried up for a while. I don't recall for how long, but suddenly the news of Yonggary was all about how it was going use CGI to render its monsters (yes, there was going to be an enemy monster this time around, though you wouldn't have known it from most of the original promotion) and that the cast would be entirely Western and almost competely white. It's hard to say which was the more alarming development. After all, in 1998 when the film's production was ramping up for a 1999 release, even Hollywood was largely avoiding CGI as a principal effects tool because unless you had Industrial Light & Magic doing it for you, your FX were likely to end up looking like upscaled video game graphics or something from a current release from The Asylum.

Actually, that was still likely even if you did hire ILM.

Korea (and even Japan) at this point in time were not exactly known for their CGI. So if Hollywood could barely make CGI work, what could we expect from Korea? Well, it turns out pretty much exactly what you think. Sort of.

You might have noticed the fact that I listed two release dates above. Generally I try to only go with the film's original release date in its country of origin, but in this case that requires I give two dates. You see, unless you were in South Korea or attended the Cannes Film Festival, you haven't actually seen Yonggary in its original form. Oh, clips from the film surfaced on the internet that demonstrated its appalling effects, but apparently the film was so poorly received that Shim Hyung-rae reworked it and released it again in 2001. It was apparently this version that made its way to American home video under the bizarrely generic title Reptilian. Look, I realize Yonggary has zero name recognition value in America, but was that seriously a better title?

I say apparently because there is a lot of disagreement about what, if any changes Shim made. The 2001 re-release was labelled "Upgrade" in South Korea, but no one can exactly confirm if the woeful effects were upgraded. This is because the 1999 cut of the film is supposedly just as lost as the original version of Yongary, Monster From The Deep.

The fact that the 2001 edition is not lost may or may not be considered a good thing.

We open in a cave as a bunch of guys in spelunking gear fumble with a map. One of them asks their leader, who will turn out to be Dr. Campbell (Richard B. Livingston), if they shouldn't wait for Dr. Hughes since it's his map they're consulting. Campbell asserts that he's in charge and they should move out. Meanwhile, an old man we'll later learn is Dr. Hughes (Harrison Young), is lost in a different section of the cave. He decides to sit down and have a smoke, while Dr. Campbell and company discover a stone bridge over a ravine filled with fog and dinosaur skeletons--which is an adorably obvious miniature.

Diorama by Timmy, Mrs. Kelvin's 4th Grade Class.

Hughes, meanwhile, notices his lighter is illuminating various skeletons in the cave wall: a theropod, a pterosaur that looks more like a dragon, and finally a mummified alien. His shocked scream leads one of the other explorers to overact wildly as he tells Campbell they must turn back, but Campbell refuses because they've come too far and, anyway, he's just seen what he's looking for. Hughes examines the alien, noting it's in excellent condition and has an amulet clasped in its claws.

Campbell, meanwhile, has found a glowing symbol on a column of rock. He orders the panicky guy, named Peters, to, "DIG!" Hilariously, after Peters gets out his hammer and chisel, Campbell goes and hides behind a rock. Sure enough, the instant that Peters hits the rock it results in an explosion that blasts the flesh off every single one of the explorers and dashes their skeletons against the rock walls. Peters! NOOO! The alien amulet then glows blue, and this causes the explosion to suck back into the column of rock--revealing some form of hieroglyphic writing. Campbell comes out from his hiding place and cackles that, "It's mine! All mine!"

The credits roll over more hieroglyphs. We return to the film as an alien ship that looks like it escaped from an episode of Babylon 5 passes by the moon. At an observatory of some kind, Captain Parker (Briant Wells) is sitting by a radar screen and doesn't notice it going full static. I presume this is a "Laser Radar" station. Parker gets a phone call, as the power flickers on and off in the building. Cut to the alien ship hovering around the moon, presumably to escape detection. No, I don't know what the phone call was about because we then cut to some totally different guy getting off a phone call.

I have no idea who this guy is, but he's half-dressed and lying in bed with a woman dressed how sex workers usually are in movies. He's ranting about how he's finally gonna bury Bud Black and then whatever publication he works for will have to run his story instead. Um, sure. This sequence is shot with a shaky handheld, to make things even more bizarre. Anyways, half-naked balding guy calls Bud Black (Brad Sergi) to pass on the details of a story about a dinosaur. Bud, who is wearing a leather beret, happily copies down the details, apparently unaware that the guy passing them on to him wants to ruin him.

Bud quickly arrives at some kind of dig site where an excavator is moving dirt around and Campbell is supervising a bunch of workers digging with shovels, accompanied by his lead assistant Holly Davis (Donna Philipson). Bud hops out of his car and immediately takes a flash photo. This annoys Campbell, but Davis is annoyed because she knows Bud from an article he wrote in Time magazine about Ancient Civilizations and she dismisses him as a glory hungry paparazzo. Um, even if he was writing an article about ancient aliens that description wouldn't make sense.

Of course, all the narcissistic Campbell hears is "Time magazine" so he happily switches his tune to welcoming Bud. He explains that they've unearthed a dinosaur "fifty times the size of T-Rex," then offers Bud some iced tea. Bud chuckles about the supposed dinosaur "fifty times the size of T-Rex" until he sees the skeleton being dug up--which is in the opposite direction from where the folks we just saw digging are and Bud would have seen it when he drove up. It's also at least partially a full-scale prop and clearly not fifty times the size of a T-Rex, large though it may be.

"Campbell's all right, but you've got to divide every figure he gives you by ten. Other than he's perfectly all right."

Bud is speechless and Campbell pontificates about how this is big and signifies "the dawn of a new era." A new era of...finding big dinosaurs? Okay, sure. Meanwhile, at the alien spaceship, hordes of smaller CGI fighter craft are flying around for...some reason. As the spaceship approaches Earth, we see a space shuttle orbiting next to a satellite. The shuttle identifies itself as Atlantis Omega II (?) and then radios base control to advise them that they're reading a strange radiation surge--and then the space ship blasts them to smithereens with a laser blast. It destroys the satellite for good measure.

At base control, Lt. O'Neill (Wiley M. Pickett) can't raise Atlantis Omega II, and Parker comes up to ask what's wrong. And I have no idea what branch of the military they're working for that requires them to wear camo in a space mission control room. O'Neill says the shuttle just vanished into thin air. We see the space ship easing into a parking orbit, which you'd think the base should be able to detect but maybe it's undetectable by Earth means.

At the dig site, Davis is sketching dinosaur bones when Hughes suddenly appears and clamps his hand over her mouth. He assures her he's not there to hurt her, but then Campbell appears in the tent with two workers at his side and introduces Hughes to Davis. She expresses surprise that he's the  Dr. Wendel Hughes and Campbell mocks Hughes for becoming a senile old man who wants to stop progress. Hughes warns, "Stop the digging now. There'll be no chance at redemption once Yonggary gets his breath."

And note now that almost no one in the cast will pronounce Yonggary correctly, and most will make it sound like "Young Gary."

Campbell mocks Hughes for being jealous that he decoded the hieroglyphics first and found the skeleton first. Hughes tosses back that Campbell is arrogant and greedy. So Campbell has the workers--one of whom looks like Richard Kiel and spends the entire time looking like he's about to burst into laughter, but I think he's trying to be intimidating--grab Hughes and escort him off the site. Davis asks Campbell if he wasn't being too rough and when Bud enters the tent and asks waht's going on, he's assured it's nothing and that he should rest up for the big day tomorrow,

A lightning storm rolls in as we get some adorable miniatures of the dig site and the Yonggary skeleton. The alien spaceship fires a triple laser beam at Earth, which hits near the dig site and sends out a CGI shockwave that causes two workers who see it to explode in sparks. The next morning, their smoking corpses are being photographed by Bud, but Campbell snatches the camera away and rips the film out of it. He tells Bud he will only photograph what Campbell tells him to, then turns to Davis and says, "Holly, how did you let this happen?" in the tone you'd use if your daughter let the dog get into the trash, not if you found two people dead.

Campbell passes it off as an electrical mishap and gives orders to dispose of the bodies (!) and get back to work. Davis points out that two dead people on their dig means the authorities need to be involved, but Campbell tells her thsi sort of thing happens all the time (?!) and then tells the workers he'll double their pay. That satisfies them and they get back to work. Campbell demands to see Davis in private, whereupon he angrily slams his coffee cup down on a desk and splatters coffee everywhere as he demands to know what's gotten into her. She points out that that was the third incident (!) this week (!!) and the authorities really ought to be brought in.

You know, at a certain point you stop being the unwitting pawn of a madman and become an accomplice.

Davis objects that nothing could be worth so many lives, but Campbell tells her that some things are worth such a steep cost and that the dig will continue with or without her. Meanwhile, Parker and O'Neill are informing Lt. General George Murdock (Dan Cashman, I think, but I assumed that by process of elimination since the IMDb lists three characters who are generals, only one of whom has a picture that does not match this guy, and no name is given at this time) that the shuttle and two satellites are missing. The General berates them that they don't lose shuttles and hardware like a "two dollar crap game" and orders everyone to go on Red Alert. Cue footage of missiles being readied and troops scrambling.

Meanwhile, over drinks Campbell tells Bud that he's going to be famous, though Bud worries it won't pay the bills. Campbell asks him in he ever heard of any famous poor people (um, yes) and assures him he could win the Pulitzer. They drink to that and finally the film gets to the really fun part as we cut back to the space ship and we see two Guyver-like aliens talking. Both are obvious puppets that can only bob their heads and wave their arms, and both speak in English with a voice that sounds vaguely like Zordon on The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

The budget for Prometheus sequels just kept getting slashed...

One alien advises that Earth has detected them and they must begin the invasion now. The other counters that Earth cannot harm them, so they should continue with the reanimation process. Back on Earth, while looking at a rotating/ CGI image of the space ship the General observes, "Sure as hell ain't Russian." Parker helpfully replies, "No, sir: it's alien." No! I would never have guessed!

At the dig site, Bud asks about Hughes and Campbell explains that he used to be a leader in their field but they had a disagreement. He then mentions that Davis si no longer with them and Bud at first assumes this means she was killed. After Bud assures Campbell he'll do whatever the man asks as long as he gets his story, Cut to some poor bastard trying to drag a tarp out to cover the enormous skeleton--when the belly of the spaceship glows, which causes teeth to fly out of the ground, throught the hapless worker, and root themselves in Yonggary's jaws. Yonggary's ribs grow, as well, and Bud steps out of a port-a-potty in time to see the dead worker, whom he photographs--so we can get an identical replay of the last time he did that and Campbell caught him. This time, after having his film ripped out, Bud yells at Campbell that he's a photojournalist but Campbell reminds him of the deal from before--and then has him help with moving the body.

Again, accomplice.

Meanwhile, the next morning Davis checks into her motel room, unaware that Hughes is watching her. Campbell is then woken up by a worker because the fossil is growing fangs and they found another body. After almost pointing out that he disposed of the body, Campbell catches himself. When asked by the workers how many more lives will this dig cost, he calmly says that they're free to go--but then reminds them that "you are all illegals, and I'll report every last one of you!" So they shrug and keep digging. Though, at this point, they might as well just kill Campbell and dispose of his body since they've already apparently covered up numerous deaths on the site.

At her motel, Davis phones a "professor" and tells him she quit the job, asks if the professor knew Dr. Hughes (who has apparently been assumed dead by most people), mentions him turning up at the dig site to much consternation, and then asks if the job offer still applies. Someone knocks at her door, but it's just the guy delivering her blankets. She asks him where she can get food and he just points and says, "Bar." At the bar, we see the quirky bartender, Sarah Saunders (Julie Kessler) trying to get some barfly to talk about his breakup, but he understandably flees the conversation so she turns her attention to Davis. Davis orders hot coffee and a chicken sandwich, and the two chat while the bartender pours her coffee.

Davis says it's nice to see another woman's face after being surrounded by men. Sarah asks how that's a problem and Davis assures her that being surrounded by a bunch of "sweaty bone diggers"--dibs on the band name--is no fun at all. Hughes then arrives and asks to talk to Davis in private, explainign he knows she quit the dig. She briefly asks him why he, a "world-famous paleontologist," disappeared for two years and was presumed dead. He explains that in Southeast Asia, he encountered a local shaman who directed him to a sacred cave and told him about the legend of Young Gary, the biggest dinosaur of all who would one day rise from the dead and destroy the world. In that cave he also found a fossil of an alien, but Davis declares him just as crazy as Campbell until he asks if anything odd has happened around the fossil and then tells her he has proof that he can show her somewhere more secret.

General Murdock then meets with a guy in a lab coat somewhere that's full of planes being assembled or worked on or some damn thing. The General advises that he's there because an alien space craft has attacked twice already and he doesn't "recall anything in the handbook about dealing with pissed off aliens." Cut back to Hughes and Davis in her hotel room, going over the hieroglyphics that foretell of the return of a giant dinosaur. She sees nothing in them but some ancient writing, so Hughes explains the last two years he was a "guest" of the government who didn't believe him either, but they were interested in aa dead alien. He shows her the analysis of the non-carbon-based, non-human, non-animal specimen that fossilized 200-220 million years ago. (Um, in the Triassic Period?!) Hughes says, as he's leaving, that he knows that the aliens are coming back and he has to stop Campbell before it's too late. Davis reluctantly decides to go with him after he walks out,

That night at the dig, Bud is muttering to himself and trying to assess the situation, including "more dead bodies than a Tarantino flick," Campbell appears then and reminds him that he is about to record mankind's greatest discovery (um, a really big dinosaur skeleton?), and then word comes that the skeleton has been fully uncovered. Campbell is moved to tears by its beauty and gives Bud permission to take his photos now. And then Hughes and Davis drive up, too late to stop the uncovering.

Cue the alien space ship firing a blast of energy at the skeleton. This causes an explosion that sends cars, equipment, and people flying. Then a glowing diamond appears on Yonggary's skull before he generates flesh, breathes deeply, and then rises up in the full glory of godawful CGI. We are talking video game cutscene from the time this was made, here. Campbell tries to deny what he's seeing, but then immediately tells Davis, "I can talk to him!" Wait, what? What the hell gave you that idea, doc?Hughes meanwhile just suggests that he and Davis get the hell out of there, as Yonggary stomps on the fleeing workers.

"Rar! Who unplugged my rendering computer?!"

Campbell faces down Yonggary as the beast stomps toward him, bellowing at it to stop because "you're my creation!" Yonggary stomps him flat as a counterpoint. And then the spaceship teleports Yonggary away. Hughes, Davis, and Bud stare at the spot where the beast was just standing in stunned silence.

Parker reports to General Murdock that they've found the target area, the site of an excavation 40 miles East of their location. Murdock orders him to go investigate at once. Parker and O'Neil pull up with trucks full of troops before we cut back to Major General Jack Thomas (Dennis Howard) arriving at whatever HQ they're using so Murdock can brief him about the alien attack. Hilariously, when Thomas asks if it's a pre-emptive strike Murdock says it's too early to say.

Meanwhile, Parker is a bit incredulous at Hughes and Davis' story of a 200-million-year-old dinosaur that vanished into thin air after being struck by a light from outer space. (Dude, you're tracking a strike from an orbiting alien spaceship) Hughes and Davis assert that the dinosaur must somehow be stopped before it reaches the city or they're all doomed. Ad then O'Neill calls Parker over to show him a footprint full of dead people. Parker, now convinced, wonders how he'll explain this.

Cut to a shot of the alien ship ad its fleet of fighters doing...nothing. Then, hilariously, a third General (Matt Landers) arrives and Murdock addresses him just as "Boom Boom," so to hell with the full name on the IMDb, that's what I'm calling him. Boom Boom introduces his companions, special task force Sgt. Romisky (Johanna Parker) and Sgt. Michaels (Alex Walters)--though I note that Boom Boom points at them in the wrong order when giving their names. Romisky advises that her objective is, "Destroy the enemy and break their toys, sir." But those were mint-in-package, you monster!

Romisky and Michaels are dismissed, so Boom Boom advises hat radar has deteced several smaller craft around the alien ship, possibly an attack force. Murdock requests that Thomas send Parker a chopper unit as back-up. then word comes in that target is moving (what target, Yonggary?) and Murdock orders the new position be relayed to Parker. Then he requests the other Generals meet him in the War Room.

In the alien vessel, one alien observes their invasion force is ready. The other alien acknowledges this and says they've received a signal from their tracking device. The order is given to dispatch Young Gary to the location. Cut to Hughes and Davis in a jeep driven by some grunt named Sgt. Archie (Derrick Costa), who advises their destination is top secret. He then calls Parker "the Pretty Boy" and explains that Parker's father was a two-star general and complains abut nepotism in ranks. He declares Parker incompetent, then goes on a spiel about the "fake" footprint and Roswell and corn fields.

Hughes, meanwhile, shows Davis a CD-R and explains it contains the rest of the hieroglyphics and need to be decoded. (And, uh, how does a paleontologist learn to decode alien hieroglyphics? Not really a discipline you need when studying dinosaurs)  Davis prods him to explain why he didn'tt ry to find Campbell sooner if he knew what would happen. Hughes explains that when the government classified his data then he was also classified. His supposed disappearance and death was part of the cover-up. Archie cackles at this and turns around to look at Hughes and Davis as he laughs at them--just in time for Yonggary to materialize in front of the jeep.

"Pay the toll!"

While Archie asks what it is and Hughes snidely tells him it's his imagination, Davis hilariously asks, "Where is it?" Uh, do you need glasses, doc?  Archie panics, wanting to try and drive past Yongary, but Hughes warns it will kill them easily. Davis mocks the soldier's courage and then Archie says he's not sticking around--and Shatner-rolls out of the parked vehicle. He then, hilarious pulls his side arm. Hughes gets out and tells him not to shoot, but Archie promises to hit the beast between the eyes. Hughes points out that will get them all killed. Davis, meanwhile is enthralled by the beast as it stares back at them--even down to its smell. ("It smells...old.") Archie insists on trying to shoot the kaiju in front of them, but luckily a CGI helicopter squadron arrives before he can piss off a 200-foot dinosaur.

With Yonggary distracted by the approaching helicopters, Archie, Davis, and Hughes are able to get back in the jeep and drive right under Yonggary's feet. The soldier apologies for doubting Hughes, while Hughes just hopes the choppers can stop Yonggary. To my delight, Yonggary voices his displeasure at the advancing choppers by letting loose the stock roar used for the T-Rex in The Land Unknown, King Kong in the 1976 remake, and (bizarrely) Gamera in Gamera The Brave.

Before you ask, Yonggary did not have a memorable roar in his original film. It sounded like a donkey with a head cold, with a bit of Barugon's roar mixed in.

As Romisky and Michaels monitor the choppers in the control room, they make thier attck run. However, bullets don't even faze Yonggary and he responds by spitting CGI fireballs at ne chopper and smashing another with is claw. Rockets turn out to not fare any better, and Yonggary responds by leaping at the choppers and, I swear to God, the film rips off Godzilla when a pilot radios in "He's on my tail!" as Yonggary snaps at his chopper, barely missing each time because, as in the film it's ripping off, the pilot forgets he can fly up. This ends with Yonggary blasting the chopper with a fireball, though. Romisky is sure her radar screen must be malfunctionng because of all the chopper signals she's losing.

"Eat CGI, you flying jerks!"

Yonggary wipes out several more choppers with his fireballs, so Michaels orders them to break off.  He reports to the Generals that the choppers reported encountering a giant montser. The aliens give the order to "dematerialize Young Gary" and so the immense dinosaur fades from view. Boom Boom takes Murdock aside to tell him that a representative from the expected secret government anti-extraterrestrial agency has arrived. The agent introduces himself as Mr. Mills (Bruce Cornwell) of the N.S.I.A. and explains to the incredulous Murdock that he's not sure if even the president knows of his agency's existence. Mills explains the backstory about Hughes providing them evidence of an advanced alien race visiting Earth 200 million years ago.

Boom Boom gets mad mad when Mills admits the N.S.I.A. knew six months ago that maybe the aliens might one day return, but makes the sensible point that it was pretty unlikely that anyone would have believed that warning before now. Murdock asks how they can stop the aliens, but Mills informs them that some crucial information was taken from their lab and until it is recovered he has no idea. He then suggests capturing the aliens alive, which Boom Boom is not on board with.

They're interrupted then by the report that the spaceship is hovering over the city. (No, they never say which city) Murdock orders troops sent in and then tells Mills to stick around and then heads back to the control room. The satellite uplink has been repaired just in time to get a report of an energy beam from the alien ship striking just outside the city--and then everyone in the control room sees video of Yonggary materializing in the harbor outside the city. Mills mutters something about Hughes being right, but then pretends he knew nothing about this creature.

The alien spaceship is now orbiting the moon--nope, no idea why other than "it looks cool"--and the aliens order their fighters to destroy the satellite that's sending information to the military HQ. Not really sure why it needs to be destroyed now, but doing so deprives the military of their video feed. People in a bridge outside the city stop and gawk at the approaching giant dinosaur, which means they've never seen a kaiju film before. Yonggary smashes through the bridge and then wades into the center of town. For some reason he mainly just walks down a main street as people scream and flee. A motorcycle cop laughably tries to shoot Yonggary, then discovers his radio won't work to call for back-up. So he calls from a clearly not American phone booth, just barely getting in a report of a giant lizard before he has to dive out as Yonggary steps on the booth,

"Wait a minute--I was distinctly promised I would get to destroy a famous city!"

Yonggary then begins smashing buildings. A SWAT team is called in and they try to shoot at him from a rooftop, so he responds to their bullets and shotgun blasts by blasting a hole in the building. All the SWAT guys perish in a fireball. He then shoots fireballs all over the place--including into a crowd of fleeing civilians--causing massive explosions. Finally he takes out a gas station. And, frustratingly, 90% of the destroyed buildings are clearly miniatures and they actually look pretty good. It just makes the awful CGI that brings Yonggary to life that much more egregious.

Hughes and Davis are brought in to HQ and introduced to Murdock. Mills and Hughes have a catty confrontation over Hughes having stolen the discs and Mills having dismissed Hughes as crazy. Archie holds Mills back and Hughes explains that the discs may hold the key to defeating Yonggary. Meanwhile, Yonggary is destroying more of the city and I have less nice things to say about the miniatures in this segment, but at least they don't look like a cartoon. A hotdog cart is taken out by a runaway car, Yonggary knocks the spire off a skyscraper, A squad of ground troops engages Yonggary with bazookas, assault rifles, and 9mm handguns (!) but they just get to do fireball somersaults for their troubles.

Mills tries to flee the HQ, but Murdock won't let him out and has Archie place him under guard. Thomas calls in air support for the ground troops, in this case a squad of F-16s. In a truly odd bit, a bus full of children (in the dead of night?!) sees Yonggary approaching and he smashes the bridge in front of them, but the driver successfully jumps the gap--and then Yonggary sends fireball after fireball at the bus, destroying the bridge behind it but the bus manages to escape as the kids inside jump up and down excitedly yelling "yay!" in front of the fireball that almost killed them. What the Hell, kids?!

The F-16 squad leader reminds them to avoid collateral damage--and then the first plane misses both shots. The second fighter also misses with his missiles and angrily wonders how they're missing. The next fighter hits him in the chest, but the remaining shots all go way over Yonggary's head! He begins returning fire and I notice during the radio chatter that one of the pilots is a woman, which is kind of a cool little detail. Yonggary takes at least three planes out, the last one crashing into a gas truck on the ground and making a huge explosion.

Next, Yonggary takes out another plane and someone yells, "They got Mad Dog!" Then, after the missiles all failed to do anything to their target, the fighters try switching to guns. Obviously that fails, so they switch to sidewinders. This also fails because they keep fucking missing! Now, this is just a damned odd approach. Obviously Yonggary is a more traditional kaiju with the expected invulnerability to conventional weapons--so why they hell are they having the pilots missing like in Godzilla, too?! Though at least here Yonggary is destroying as many buildings when he returns fire as the incompetent military are.

The president calls Murdock and apparently demands the attack be called off to minimize the damage. Except Murdock then says that in roughly four hours the president has ordered a nuclear strike on Yonggary. Boom Boom points out the obvious downside of that plan, but Murdock just says they're under orders. The planes are still fighting Yonggary, though, but they're running out of missiles. As they plan one last strike, Yonggary's forehead suddenly glows and he writhes in pain like his head is hurting--and then he teleports away, which causes one plane to crash into a skyscraper. Which, oof, would be an uncomfortable visual shortly after its release.

At HQ, the Generals discuss a report that Yonggary had some kind of energy field around him that deflected their missiles. As they agonize over whether the beast has any weaknesses, Davis and Hughes are going over a program to translate the disc's hieroglyphics. He puts his jacket over her, which Hollywood has conditioned me to interpret as a romantic gesture and that makes me severely uncomfortable. He tells her the "code word" for the program is "Daddy Loves E.T." No, he's not kidding, he assures Davis.

The translation doesn't really help, just telling them that Yonggary will be given flesh and blood and this new race, called man, will be destroyed by his own intelligence. Wait, the aliens foretold the evolution of humans at a time when the Earth hadn't even evolved shrews yet? At any rate, Murdock asks Thomas if the experimental laser project, T-Force, could penetrate the force field around Yonggary. Thomas counters it's too early in the development process to use that technology and that the jet packs used for that project haven't even been safety tested yet. Murdock orders him to gather their T-Force anyway. Boom Boom then calls for Hughes.

Hughes is busy realizing through the translation that the aliens are using Young Gary as a tool to destroy the Earth, whereupon the aliens will be given new life upon it...somehow. Hilariously, they come upon a reference that says, "The dinosaur shall raise his head and the damon on his forehead will shine." As they puzzle over what a "damon" is, Davis finds a diamond shaped object in Hughes' coat. He explains he found it in the alien cave and Davis realizes that damon is actually diamond. Apparently aliens can't spell for shit.

Davis then realizes she saw the same diamond pattern on Young Gary's forehead and produces the sketch she made of his skull at the dig site. The hieroglyphics end by saying that once the diamond is destroyed, "another light" shall be sent in Yonggary's place. That can't be good. Looking at the clock counting down from 2 hours and 40 minutes until the nuclear strike--because apparently the nuke is just going to be fired at the city even if Yonggary is technically not there anymore, I guess--Thomas advises Murdock that Parker and his T-Force are in position. He makes a joke about their odds in Vegas, but then assures Murdock they're going to win.

Yonggary's signal is reacquired just then. The T-Force is scrambled and loaded into a transport helicopter. In the chopper, Parker gives his St. Crispin's Day speech. Hilariously, a ranger named Lewis (Marvin Poole) gets up and says he wants out because he's scared and doesn't think he can do this. Parker points out that Lewis is responsible for the Hellraiser, which appears to be a minigun, and asks who's qualified to handle it if Lewis steps down. O'Neill stands up says that he can operate the Hellraiser. Parker objects but O'Neill talks him into letting him take over.

In the HQ, as Hughes and Davis arrive to state the obvious (re: Yonggary being alien weapon of mass destruction), it's revealed that Yonggary's position is at the Gleason nuclear plant. Davis observes it makes sense if the aliens want to cause a radioactive catastrophe and kill all life around the plant. The chopper is rerouted to the coordinates as we then see the space ship firing the blast that makes Yonggary appear. So, uh, how was the military tracking that, exactly? In a bit that hilariously presages the HALO jump in Godzilla, the T-Force troops all load up and jump from the chopper. Except instead of flares on their ankles, they're leaving colored trails because they're all wearing silly jet packs!

"I call dibs on Jennifer Connelly!" "Fine, but I got dibs on Timothy Dalton!"

They zip around Yonggary, annoying him but staying out of his reach. As they group up, Parker says, "Remember, compared to this guy, Godzilla is a pussy!" Wow. Wow, Yonggary, implying your Godzilla rip-off is more badass than the real deal, huh? At any rate, they begin their attack with their little pew-pew laser rifles that function like machine guns. They're able to dodge Yonggary at first, but then he begins to pick them off with his fireballs. Meanwhile, Davis and Hughes show Murdock the "damon" because for some reason they've decided to accept the aliens' spelling error, and explain that it's a device that controls Young Gary on his forehead. In theory, then, the T-Forces could take out the control device. So Parker and his men begin trying to shoot for the diamond. In execution ti doesn't look any different from them shooting wildly at him and they're taking heavy losses, but somehow the aliens react with, "They've discovered the damon," and teleport Yonggary away.

Hilariously, everyone in the control room begins interrogating Mills about the diamond. Equally as hilarious, despite Mills acting shady he seriously doesn't know anything when Boom Boom grabs him by the lapels and threatens him. However, somehow the group realizes that Yonggary is being tracked by the aliens because he generates an energy signature (umm, what?) and maybe they can track ti with infrared. Sure, okay, just start making wild leaps in logic, movie.

Sure enough, when Parker flicks on his infrared tracking he sees what looks like a blue energy tornado moving through the desert. (Never mind that blue usually equals cold on an infrared readout) Parker reports in that Yonggary is heading back to the city. And then Murdock gets a call from the president that, with 90 minutes left on the countdown clock, the president has ordered the nuclear bomber deployed. Of course, when we see the bomber being loaded and taxied down the runway it's an F-117 stealth fighter, not a bomber. I know this because I always thought F-117 was the coolest looking plane ever. I mean, it's also kind of a lemon, but it looks cool.

The rocket troops pursue the Yonggary signal through the desert, which is rendered with a lot of adorable miniatures. Mills, menawhile, is making a furtive call to "Mr. Speaker" saying that the order for the nuclear strike has been given and, as he sees it, once Yonggary is destroyed the aliens will be forced to land and then they will be able to capture them. That's...that's assuming a lot, even for a duplicitous spook character. At any rate, Yonggary rematerializes in the city, which naturally is still chock full of fleeing civilians and normal traffic patterns despite earlier dialogue about evacuations in progress. The T-Force engages, but mostly get wiped out. Parker dodges several fireballs but the last one causes him to lose control and crash land.

An enraged O'Neill yells insults at Yonggary while firing the Hellraiser, stuff like not getting enough attention as a tadpole and calling him "Dino." Soon only O'Neill is left alive and against Parker's orders, he makes a death run on Yonggary. When Yonggary begins to teleport away again, O'Neill discards his gun and pushes the throttle all the way on his jet pack to suicide bomb the diamond on the beast's forehead. Yonggary stops dematerializing and when an angry Parker starts shooting at him, the beast just reacts with confusion but not aggression. An alarming number of people start crowding around the beast, including a shot of several of them superimposed next to an obvious prop tail that looks way better than the CGI. Parker is confused that Yonggary doesn't want to attack him.

Then a new squadron of F-16s swoops in, Parker tries to radio them to call off their attack, but it's too late. Yonggary dodges their rockets, though, but then they hit buildings that start to topple over onto Parker and the civilians crowding around. Except Yonggary steps in and stops the buildings from falling over. Okay, wow, that's a bit of a jump from "basically gentle monster made an unwitting pawn of evil" to "he's the friend to all children humans." In the HQ, Davis and Hughes observe that Young Gary is on their side now, as the counter ticks down from 28 minutes, Mills, though, insists they kill Yonggary, but the Generals find his motives suspicious and orders the jets away while calling the president to advise that Yonggary is under control. Nobody notices Mills grabbing something from his pocket...

Yonggary: better at saving innocent people than Man of Steel.

The aliens, having realized they lost control of Young Gary, give the order to activate Psychor. Well, it;s actually supposed to be "Cyker" per the official romanization, bu the alien says it "Sigh-Core." Another energy beam is fired at the city, which materializes into a huge fireball that zooms into the city and sets off an Independencee Day-style explosion when it hits the city. Some of this is nfity but crude model work, some is CGI, and it knocks Yonggary ass over tea kettle but we don't see it affect the humans we just saw by his feet. (Thye're all dead now, presumably) And even though I saw this film back around 2002, it's only now that I begin to wonder if Godzilla: Final Wars  was ripping this movie off. First there's the alien fighter carft in both films looking like arrowheads crossed with fangs and now there's an enemy monster arriving in a meteorite that blows up the city when it lands.

Communications at HQ is cut off by some interference--which turns out to be from Mills. And in the city, an F-16 buzzes over an unconscious Yonggary just as an earthquake begins to shake some miniatures that have fallen between "awful" and "good" to land on "charming." Books fall over in stores, cars rock, and signs fall off buildings. Yonggary struggles to his feet--just as something tears through the ground under the street like a giant Graboid, killing a few people who didn't think to turn and leave the street instead of trying to outrun it. Meanwhile, everyone in HQ approaches Mills carefully, as he warns that his jammer is locked and if he smashes it they'll never get their screens back. Which, uh, I don't think is how a jammer works, actually.

Mills wants A) Yonggary dead and B) to be let out of the HQ. The standoff continues but I don;t give a shit. Meanwhile, giant crab claws burst out of the street as a monster pulls itself up out of the concrete. But we cut away again to HQ as Murdock gives Mills the code to open the door and escape--only to find Archie waiting for him. The device is tossed to Davis and Mills is beaten up by Archie and dragged away.

As Cyker rises up from the street, Parker makes the nonsensical observation that, "This place is turning into a prehistoric petting zoo." Cyker appears to be a cross between an ankylosaurus and a scorpion, with four hind legs and two pincers for arms. And in another clue that this was originally meant to star men in suits, there is no doubt that Cyker's design was intended to be brought to life by two men doing the horse routine--even his legs bend at the knees like human legs would,

Kaiju Centipede: Final Wars Sequence

Cyker charges at Yonggary, just missing him and the two spit fireballs at each other. Cyker's are clearly more destructive, but both miss. The two grapple, but Yonggary ends up being tossed through two buildings. They grapple again and again Cyker gains the upper claw--especially once he shoots Yonggary with his electric tail laser. Yonggary goes limp after that and Cyker moves in for the kill, only for Parker to distract the beast with his laser rifle. That very nearly gets Paker killed instead, but Yonggary recovers and blows Cyker's right arm off with fireball.

Except Cyker sprouts tentacles from the stump. The tentacles snare Yonggary and then electrocute him. Davis calls for Young Gary to "get up" after he collapses. Well, he doesn't. However, when Cyker moves in for the kill, Yonggary dodges the killing blow, then a fireball--and returns fire, blowing Cyker's head off. (Dig the prop severed head and, again, weep for the lost practical effects that probably did not look like shit) Unfortunately, Cyker is not dead--and Romisky's angry reaction is hilarious.

"Oh God, I did not agree to this!"

Well, when the headless Cyker charges towards Yonggary and lashes out with tentacles from the head stump, Yonggary dodges this time. He bites the tentacles in two and then spits a fireball into the stump after they retract--and Cyker's body explodes. Yonggary collapses as everyone in HQ cheers, only to realize that in 2 minutes they're gonna get nuked, So they radio the bomber with the abort codes and call off the strike just in time.

The aliens decide it's time to beat a hasty retreat before Yonggary discovers his true strength, but swear to return and defeat the humans later. Guys, you had a 200 million  year head start on us and you still lost. They go to warp speed as Boom Boom happily lights a cigar and everyone congratulates each other and thanks Young Gary for his work. And then the unconscious Yonggary flies by, suspended from cables attached to a fleet of helicopters. (An idea clearly lifted from the unproduced Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott Godzilla screenplay in the 90s, as well as King Kong vs. Godzilla) Apparently he's being airlifted to a deserted island to allow him time to get used to the 21st Century. The End.

"This prank is the best! We airlift the sleeping monster away and then he wakes up with no fucking clue where he is!"

So, I went pretty easy on The X From Outer Space because it's not a good film but it's still fun and I find its monster action charming. I feel the same way about Yongary, Monster From The Deep, only moreso. It's a delightfully silly, wrongheaded movie that famously ends with its titular monster appearing to die from rectal hemorrhaging.

Well, this version will make you long for rectal hemorrhaging.

Director Shim Hyung-rae is best known these days for unleashing Dragon Wars on the world. Like this film, that later effort was entirely populated by English-speaking actors reciting dialogue clearly not written by someone who understood English. However, I cannot over emphasize how much better a film that Dragon Wars is for several reasons:

One, Dragon Wars has CGI effects that are surprisingly good. Two, its plot and script are absolutely bonkers.

While the second thing may not sound like a positive, it absolutely is. While Yonggary has a plot that is certainly odd and often nonsensical, it's still incredibly pedestrian and rote. While it may throw you the occasional curve ball like rocket troopers, it's still a very familiar monster tale and one you've seen done before and better. So it's too bland to be entertaining on the merits of seeing what crazy turn it'll take next, and it's neither gloriously terrible nor competent enough to be good.

For one thing, while many of the actors are terrible, few of them are ever terrible in an entertaining way. Most are clearly competent professionals but receiving unclear direction. The special effects are all terrible, yes, but they're terrible in a way that is somehow hard to truly make fun of. This isn't seeing an exploding model plane flip around on its wire, it's just eye-scratchingly bad CGI. While I have actually seen that be amusingly bad, this is not one of those times. It's just bad. Especially since the filmmakers rarely actually use the CGI to do anything they couldn't have done easier and better with a guy in a suit! I mean, both Yonggary and Cyker move like men in suits but they're rendered in CGI anyway.

And that's really too bad, because without the awful CGI that final fight could actually have been pretty awesome. The choreography was pretty sweet and, even though I'm still way more partial to the original Yonggary's design, I have to say the monster designs are really good. It's just a shame they're wasted the way they are. Though at least those puppet aliens are awesome. I wish they got more screen time.

Ultimately, this is a ridiculous film that isn't ridiculous enough. It gets bogged down in the stuff none of us care about and fails to deliver on the stuff we came here for--and when it does deliver, the awful CGI effects shoot it in the foot.

I recommend skipping this one unless you're an absolute kaiju completist. There's some material in it for riffing, but not nearly enough to make it worth the trouble. Stick with the original, since at least there the bad effects are charmingly bad and the moments it goes bonkers are actually bonkers.


Today's review brought to you by the letter Y! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for Y!

Only one more day of HubrisWeen, folks! Will our trusty Celluloid Zeroes all make it? Tune in to find out!

Sometimes, you hear a movie idea and it is like nails on a chalkboard in your mind. You just know that there is no way that anyone could think of that idea and think it was a good idea. Zombeavers was one such idea for me.

Now, this was not so much because I find the idea of zombie beavers unappealing. Rather, it was the assumption that there was no way a movie based on that concept would be anything but an obnoxious, one-joke concept.

Well, let me just say that I always love being proved wrong.

I have to say the opening is not the most promising start, though. We see a medical and toxic waste transport truck cruising down the road (which sadly is not from a company named "Uneeda") and the two guys inside the cab have a conversation about the driver (Bill Burr) taking his girlfriend to get an abortion and then casually mentions having once dated a guy so that the guy in the passenger seat (John Mayer, yes that John Mayer) can try to basically hint at maybe they should date, then. The driver then begins texting, ignoring the passenger's halfhearted warning about the deer in the road.

While the deer is killed by the impact, the only damage the truck suffers is that a single barrel of chemicals falls off the bed and immediately rolls down into the river. The two morons don't notice, of course. And the film delivers its first pleasant surprise as the credits roll over the footage of the barrels floating in the river, accompanied by a cartoon super-imposed on the live-action footage. It's a neat little detail. Eventually the barrel comes to rest at a beaver dam and, as the puppet beavers look at the curious metal object, it promptly springs a leak and sprays them with a green liquid.

"Welp, that's a new one, eh, Earl?" "Sure is, Ted."

Meanwhile, at a gas station bathroom, college girl Jenn (Lexi Atkins) is tearfully texting her boyfriend, who has apparently cheated on her. After she exits the bathroom, and has an awkward run-in with a trucker, she rejoins her friend Mary (Rachel Melvin) at their car. They're on their way to a cabin owned by Mary's cousin, along with third friend Zoe (Courtney Palm) and her Jack Russell terrier, Gosling. If looked at in typical slasher terms, Jenn seems like a typical Final Girl, Mary is the nerdy girl, and Zoe is the promiscuous one.

In fact, Zoe is very annoyed that they had to make this trip a girl's weekend after Jenn's boyfriend cheated on her. Zoe had really been looking forward to some fun time with her boyfriend, but while she may tease Jenn about the issue and even complains about the lack of sexual opportunities, she is a good enough friend to still go along with the new plan and the rules of no boys and no phones. We can tell that Zoe is the least used to being in the countryside because she thinks the raft in the lake near the cabin is floating garbage upon first sighting it.

As the three friends drive up to the cabin, we see a teenage boy fishing in the river get taken out by a POV cam as a threat-establishing casualty.

Once at the cabin, the girls get to meet the neighbor, Myrne Gregorson (Phyllis Katz) and her husband Winston (Brent Brisxcoe), who's watching from their porch with the couple's golden retriever. Myrne mentions that she hasn't seen Mary in ages. Zoe's brash tongue makes the conversation a bit awkward but, unsurprisingly, the old lady is just as brash. Once she departs, they all go inside to pick rooms and freshen up. To the horror of Jenn and Zoe, it turns out that the "no phones" rule is going to be very easy to enforce because there is no signal in the area.

"I'm just saying, if we had a talking Great Dane we could be a team of young detectives!"

The three decide to go swimming and, to Jenn and Mary's annoyance, Zoe does so topless. Still, it's going fine until Jenn sees a beaver dam and wants to go investigate. The three swim over to the dam and discover it is covered in a revolting green residue that Zoe assumes to be beaver urine. Lucky for them, they don't actually encounter the beavers as a lurking POV cam watches them from the water--but they do find themselves confronted by a bear.

As the three slowly back away, a shot rings out and the bear runs off. A hunter who introduces himself as "Smyth, with a Y" (Rex Linn) then appears. And the guy is delightfully unnerving as he tells them they weren't in any danger from the bear, says some weird things about beavers, and then tells them they ought to be more covered up--and he doesn't just means the woman with no top on.

The girls take their leave of him as fast as they can. At the cabin that night they eat popcorn and play a truly sick game of "Would you rather?" since apparently nobody packed Cards Against Humanity. Then it shifts to truth or dare and we learn here that the last time they played that Mary and Jenn made out, but Jenn objects that that's no fun without guys around to make jealous. Mary thinsk the lady doth protest too much, but as she jokingly moves in for a kiss there's a loud thump outside.

Zoe goes to check with the flashlight and disappears. Mary and Jenn go out to find her, but the door gets blown shut and they're locked outside. Then a shadowy figure charges up--and farts at them. Their attacker is actually Mary's boyfriend, Tommy (Jake Weary). Mary wants to know how he even got there, and the answer appears in the form of Buck (Peter Gilroy) who is carrying Zoe to the porch. Seems he practically dragged Tommy to the cabin, despite the insistence that Mary had warned him that it was just a girl's weekend. Naturally, Zoe is not entirely blameless in this.

And then, to Jenn's disgust, her duplicitous boyfriend, Sam (Hutch Dano) appears from inside the cabin, carrying a baseball bat. Mary tries to be the good friend and send the guys away, despite Zoe and Buck begging to be allowed to bang. Jenn, however, says it's okay. After all, it'll be good for her to face the problem head-on. Though I'm sure she didn't really intend for her and Sam to have to sit on the couch in the living room and listen to the other couples loudly having sex.

Jenn shows Sam the photographic proof of his philandering--a tagged photo of him from a party the weekend before, kissing a brunette whose face is obscured. Sam either can't or won't tell her who the woman in the photo is. And his attempt to seduce her into forgetting her anger ends with him getting a knee to the groin. To be fair, he did deserve that. Meanwhile, in the afterglow Tommy notices Mary seems distracted, which she shrugs off as concern for Jenn.

Jenn goes to take a shower, but as she's undressing she hears something thumping in the bathtub. She assumes it's Buck--that guy must be a real perv, if that's her default assumption--but it's a beaver. A very vicious beaver with white eyes that tries to attack her. It leaps at her but luckily it's clumsy or it might have been able to take a bite out of her.

"I told you never to flush when I'm in the shower!"

Jenn flees to the living room to get Sam's help. The others arrive to find out what's going on and when she tells them about the rabid beaver they all go to investigate, but now it's nowhere to be seen. Buck begins mocking her--only for the beaver to lunge out of a cupboard and try to attack him. Tommy beats it to a pulp with the baseball bat, but it takes a lot of punishment before it stops moving. Tommy tosses it into a garbage bag and leaves it on the porch. Jenn wants to leave right away, but the others talk her into sleeping on it. She agrees, but demands to sleep with Mary for the night. Unbeknownst to them, the garbage bag on the porch is moving...

The next morning, as they head outside to go swimming, Jenn notices the bloody garbage bag is torn open and there are bloody pawprints leading away from it. Tommy dismisses it as nothing but a scavenger finding the corpse and absconding with it. Jenn is not so sure, and feels weird about going in the water, but the others assure her it's fine. She asks them to quit making the obvious beaver jokes and also stays put on the bank instead of joining them in the water.

On the raft, Sam talks to Mary about the mysterious photo that Jenn showed him. Seems that both of them know exactly who was in the photo. He asks if Mary is going to tell Jenn it was her, since she would believe it if Mary says it was nothing, but Mary would rather her friend not hate her. Sam begins to think maybe they need to talk about it, since it sounds to him like maybe it wasn't nothing,

No time for that, though. As soon as Jenn gives in to peer pressure and wades into the water, something swims past her foot. The others mock her until Buck goes under suddenly--and resurfaces holding his own severed foot. Cue Jaws-style trombone shot on Jenn, Tommy is attacked next but he, Buck, and Zoe manage to make it to the raft just as another beaver leaps out to bite Buck on the shoulder until Tommy tosses it away.

Tommy ties a tourniquet around Buck's leg using Gsoling's life-vest. Then Zoe notices Jenn is gone. Well, she ran back to the cabin to call for help with the landline, but the phone lines have been torn out by the beavers. And now the others are not only surrounded by several beavers in the water, they're trying to break through the raft to get at them.

"Look, just take the wood and let us go!"

Meanwhile, the beaver from the night before scratches Jen on the calf and she finds herself wrestling with it on the kitchen floor. The others, seeing their chances at survival rapidly dwindling, begin to get desperate--so Sam decides to be the asshole who makes the unpopular decision of throwing Golsing into the lake as a diversion. Well, as you might imagine, the dog is not able to outswim the beavers and as they're eating him, the others make a swim fro shore,

Jenn has managed to cut the beaver in half, but even with its hind half dnagling by threads of sinew it still chases her up onto the kitchen island. She finally pins it to the the tabletop with a knife to the skull. She then opens the door to the cabin just as the others rush in, the beavers hot on their heels. So now that night is falling, the group realizes they are trapped in a cabin surrounded by beavers who want flesh and whose very biology means it'll only be a matter of time before they chew through the wooden cabin to get at them, and they have all the evidence they need on the counter top that these beavers are actually zombies.

Though they have no idea what's coming. For we all know that if a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie--but what do you turn into when a zombie beaver bites you?

Never hire a mad scientist to be your orthodontist.

I'm going to cut this review short here because I genuinely think Zombeavers is best experienced without knowing everything that happens. Now, I don't think this film is nearly as good as Late Phases and it is certainly nowhere near as good as What We Do In The Shadows by any stretch. However, it's still a film that is best experienced only knowing some of the delights it has in store.

For one thing, this film commits to its goofy premise. Sure, the zombie beavers are meant to be funny more than scary, but that doesn't mean they don't carry a surprising amount of menace. The shots of their eyes glowing in the night in a few scenes are genuinely unnerving. Hell, even the zombie were-beavers that eventually show up are as menacing as they are silly--though naturally there's a visual gag involving one were-beaver that made me laugh too hard to spoil here,

I also appreciate that, while obviously lots of CGI is used, the film mainly relies on physical props for the beavers. When you think about it, vaguely jerky puppets are the only way to render zombie beavers, anyway, so I'm glad the filmmakers realized that. It's also just always more entertaining to see actors wrestle with prop rubber beavers than to see them try to do the same with CGI.

Certainly, Zombeavers is not perfect. The majority of the characters, whether intentionally or not, are pretty intolerable and far too many of the jokes are the sort of lazily offensive material you'd expect to see on something that thinks it's "edgy" but really, really isn't. However, the difference between this and something like The Watch--the alien invasion flick where it turns out the aliens can only be killed by being shot in the dick because that's where their brains are--is that it manages to rise above some lazy, unexceptional material in its comedic scenes by really nailing it in the horror-comedy ones.

Obviously, this is not a film for everyone and I kind of feel like it maybe needed a couple more passes over the script in order to become truly great, but I had a lot of fun with it. I highly recommend this to horror movie fans, especially those like me who are sick to undeath of zombies already.


Today's review brought to you by the letter Z! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for Z!

And with that, dear readers, another HubrisWeen draws to a close. Wasn't sure I was gonna make it, and I feel like I could sleep for a week after rushing to make my deadlines at the end here, but you better believe I'm too foolhardy to not take another swing at it in 2016.

So you better be on the lookout for HubrisWeen: The Final Chapter next year. But stuck around, because I'm not done with my hubris and in mid-November you'll be seeing me try to find something new about a bonafide classic for a Criterion blogathon event.

Oh yes, this joint is about to get classy.

This week begins The Criterion Blogathon! And on Thursday, yours truly will be taking a look at the original Godzilla (1954)!

Keep your eyes peeled, though, as several other Celluloid Zeroes will be taking part throughout the week! Plus, you know, there's a lot of awesome content from a myriad of bloggers to pore through!

While HubrisWeen was last month, I think the task before me today requires a substantially larger amount of hubris. For I am about to talk about one of the greatest giant monster films ever made, and easily one of the best films ever made full-stop--and I'm going to try and find something new to say about it.

I don't much care for my chances, which is fitting. Perhaps I am finally in the mindset of one of those hapless bastards who hops inside a tank to fire shells he knows will just bounce off, at a monster he knows will then turn around and wipe him from the face of the earth.

It's a strange thing, honestly, to be an American Godzilla fan born in the 1980s. I was born two years before Godzilla made what would turn out to be his last big screen appearance in the United States for 15 years in Godzilla 1985. By age eight I had heard of Godzilla, but only as a joke fodder and I had no idea what he even looked like until a friend showed me a worn, orange-spined book in the school library:


Reading through Ian Thorne's (actually the pseudonym of author Julian May) marvelous yet often hilariously misinformed book, I fell absolutely in love with the concept of the creature and needed to find a Godzilla movie right away. Luckily, a local video store had several titles for me to choose from. However, I was overwhelmed by my options and the fact that several of the movies I had read about in the book went by names I did not recognize on VHS--and I settled, oddly enough, on Godzilla 1985 to usher me into a world I would never want to leave.

I'm going to skip ahead a bit because I could go on for an entire post just talking about my introduction to Godzilla. The important part of my experience is that Godzilla was still nothing but a joke to the masses in those days. I quickly became a bit too defensive of the indestructible radioactive dinosaur, but it wasn't just the pop culture razzing that was a problem. No, the big issue was that Godzilla was considered nothing but a silly amusement for children alone, and as such warranted no special treatment when his movies were released to video. It was tough to find a lot of the films on anything but the lowest quality tapes--luckily, my son's generation will never know the disappointment of discovering the movie you bought was an EP tape instead of SP.

I spent years of my life being derided by others for liking Godzilla because it was so cheesy. The 1998 film certainly did nothing to dispel this conception, especially given the false sense of superiority the filmmakers evinced when talking about their project.

Yet, somewhere in the early years of the 21st Century, I began to notice a change in how Godzilla was perceived. Art house theaters proudly touted that they would be featuring the original Japanese cut of 1954's Godzilla. Low end distributors like Classic Media and even Echo Bridge began to take Godzilla so seriously that they released the films in their license in the best conditions they could--even including extras!

And then, a moment I thought I would never see: the original Godzilla was given the Criterion treatment. Suddenly, it felt like people were actually taking Godzilla seriously!

Well, people in the West, that is. While even in his native Japan, Godzilla's films were largely recognized as containing effects maybe somewhat less accomplished than Western counterparts--I'll touch more on that later--Godzilla had always been taken pretty damn seriously. It would actually be pretty hard for the Japanese audiences to not take Godzilla seriously. As many, oh-so-serious Godzilla fans love to point out any time anyone tries to enjoy Godzilla for fun, the beast was far more than just another matinee monster: Godzilla was a symbol. A symbol of the devastation Japan had felt as the only country to have a nuclear weapon used on its civilian populace, not once but twice--and possibly even thrice if you consider an incident I'll touch more on shortly, although that was a accident.

Godzilla didn't start that way, of course. Humorously enough, Godzilla started in much the way as his cash-in at a rival studio would a decade later: a big project at Toho studios went bust. In this case, it was a war film called "Behind the Glory" that was to be shot in Indonesia, only for a myriad of political issues to stop production cold. Producer Tomoyuki Tanaka was left holding the bag, but legend says on a flight back to Japan he was looking out over the ocean from his window when he began to think about what might be lurking beneath the waves. What if it was a prehistoric monster, big enough to destroy a city?

Of course, while that could very well be the true motivation for Tanaka's "eureka!" moment, a more pragmatic person would realize it was more likely that Tanaka knew exactly what the hell he was doing as a producer. Monster movies were clearly big bucks at the time. In 1952, King Kong had been re-released in Japan to tremendous success and The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms had also been a huge hit in 1953. The evidence of this is clear enough in the film's original, delightfully ludicrous working title "The Giant Monster from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"!

To be fair, it's hard to say precisely how much influence they took from the earlier film because the two are, in the final accounting, very different. Hell, special effects maestro Eiji Tsuburaya wanted Godzilla to be a giant octopus, which would have meant beating It Came From Beneath The Sea to the punch. However, the biggest difference is, unquestionably, in the film's tone.

Director Ishiro Honda had toured Hiroshima after the war and he devastation there had haunted him. Eugene Lourie saw nothing wrong with using a nuclear bomb as a mere McGuffin in his movie, but Honda obviously saw something far more horrifying. And then the Lucky Dragon No. 5 incident happened, when a Japanese fishing vessel strayed too close to an American H-Bomb test and was bombarded with fallout. I've mentioned the incident before, because Honda clearly thought it needed to be addressed as much as possible, but Godzilla was the first time he would comment on the tragedy--and how! Ironically, one could argue that the way the incident was exploited was more crass than the way the American Godzilla made 60 years later rendered imagery of Fukushima and the tsunami that caused it. That film was released three years after the tragedy it was evoking, but the Lucky Dragon No. 5 tragedy had happened a mere eight months before this film's release!

There's a few obvious differences, of course. First, the 2014 film was merely using the imagery in an attempt to create horror from familiarity and had no grander message behind it--while Honda's film used it to build on. Second, Honda's film can seen as a catharsis, a country commenting on real horrors it has faced through a fantastic allegory--while the 2014 film was another country using tragedy that someone else had faced. I certainly don't mean to rag on the 2014 film to much, especially since the film also uses obvious 9/11 imagery and that is closer to Honda's intent, but it is an interesting comparison.

Still, imagine how Japanese audiences must have felt in 1954, as they sat in the cinema and watched as this film opened with a ship drifting through the Pacific ocean, its crew strumming guitars and playing games on deck--before a blinding flash of light sends them all to their feet. The ocean before them boils, heated by the same white light from beneath the waves. It is too late for the ship to avoid the deadly water and a white heat washes over the deck, killing all exposed to it. The radio men are barely able to send a distress signal before water pours into the cabin, and then the entire ship explodes into flames and sinks beneath the boiling waves.


It's truly horrifying stuff when you consider that it symbolizes a real event, rendered to the fullest nightmarish extent. Back in the film, the SOS travels fast and Hideto Ogata (Akira Takarada), a captain with the South Seas Salvage Company, receives a call at his home office ordering him in to the Coast Guard Office at once. That's terrible luck as he was just getting dressed for a fancy date with Emiko Yamane (Momoko Kōchi). Ogata makes his apologies, but advises Emiko can still make it to the concert on her own.

At the Coast Guard office, it's utter chaos. Family members and other affected parties are crowding the door, demanding an update. As Ogata arrives, a rescue ship is being tracked as it heads for the last known position of the lost freighter. Unfortunately, whatever destroyed the first vessel is waiting for the rescue ship, and it is obliterated in a boiling white sea.

The natives of Odo Island are much closer to the site of these shipwrecks than those on Honshu, which means that one of their fishing boats is in a prime position to intercept a group of three survivors from the rescue ship, who can only tell them that "the sea just exploded" before collapsing. Odo Island's fishing boats aren't immune to the strange catastrophes, however, and word has barely reached the home office before word comes in that the fishing boat has also been sunk. As reporter Hagiwara (Sachio Sakai) relates to his editor over the phone, that makes three vessels sunk in the same location under similar, bizarre circumstances.

While the villagers of Odo watch the ocean that night, apprehensive, young Shinkichi (Toyoaki Suzuki), spies a raft floating in. The raft is actually wreckage from the destroyed fishing vessel and has only one occupant, Shinkichi's older brother Masaji (Ren Yamamoto). Whatever Masaji saw, he's too weak to communicate it beyond a vague reference to "it got us and our boat." However, the next day when the village's nets all come up empty, the village elder (Kokuten Kōdō) says he knows what's responsible for the empty nets and swath of destroyed boats--Godzilla, the legendary sea monster that haunts their waters.

The young women of the village scoff at the old man because Godzilla is just that: a legend. And when a helicopter bearing Hagiwara and a group of investigators chooses to land just then, well, Hagiwara is just as skeptical of Masaji's insistence that some large creature is going crazy down beneath the ocean. However, Hagiwara's skepticism doesn't mean he isn't receptive--and he actually listens to the old man as he sits next to him that night while watching a haunting exorcism ritual designed to drive Godzilla away. The old man explains that once Godzilla has eaten all the fish in the sea, the great monster will rise up and devour people on the land as well. In the old days, they'd send a young girl out on a raft when the fishing was poor in order to appease the beast, but now all that remains in these less barbaric times is the ritual dance.


After the ritual, a typhoon blows in. While Shnikichi, Masaji, and their mother try to sleep in the midst of the storm, they suddenly become aware that the ground--and their house--are shaking. Shinkichi runs outside into the rain to try and find out what is going on, and Masaji follows--only to look out the door and see something that makes him cry out in fright and rush back to his mother's side. It's too late for either of them, and as Shinkichi watches helplessly from a distance their house is crushed by the passing of something that looks like a gigantic, scaly leg. It's not the only house destroyed. The outsiders aren't spared from the wrath of whatever destroyed the house, because their helicopter is left twisted and smashed.

In Tokyo, a disaster petition group meets in the Diet Building to discuss the catastrophic loss of life, property, and livestock the island has suffered. Shinkichi swears that he saw something alive, and Hagiwara backs up the lad's tale by pointing out that the helicopter was crushed from above by some powerful force.

Paleontologist Kyohei Yamane (Takashi Shimura) is asked to address the committee. In a moment that would become famous in Japanese pop culture--and is, indeed, referenced in other Godzilla movies--Yamane begins to speak at the podium, only to notice that his tie is hanging out of his jacket and he sheepishly tucks it back in. Yamane, whom we will later learn is Emiko's father, begins by saying that there are many mysteries in the world in the 20th Century, such as the abominable snowman, and that the ocean contains vast unexplored caverns where anything could be lurking. While he admits he has not yet examined the disaster site, he feels it is very likely that there is a distinct possibility that some unknown creature could have come ashore and he requests a research team be formed at once to go to Odo Island.

Yamane gets his wish, and soon he, Emiko, Ogata, and Hagiwara are departing by boat to Odo Island. Emiko notices the mysterious scarred and eye-patched Dr. Daisuke Serizawa (Akihiko Hirata) watching them depart. It will gradually come out that Emiko and Serizawa are engaged to be married, but she has fallen in love with Ogata. As the three are good friends, it has been tough for her to find the courage to tell Serizawa about their love--or her father, for that matter. Though naturally they have bigger concerns at present, since the route they're going has seen three different ships be mysteriously sunk and who knows if they'll fare any better?

Luckily, they will. On the island, strange things are definitely afoot--footprints, that is. One of the researchers discovers a well beside the apparent footprints is contaminated with radiation, but as Ogata points out--wouldn't nuclear fallout have contaminated all the island's wells, not just those on one side of the island? Stranger still is that the footprints themselves are radioactive--and then Yamane discovers a live trilobite in in one of the footprints. He excitedly grabs it without thinking as one of the researchers hisses at him not to handle it with his bare hands. Yamane puts it in a specimen jar, but the significance of his discovery has no time to sink in as a watch tower in the village hammers its alarm bell to advise that Godzilla has appeared on the other side of a tall hill. The villagers rush to glimpse the beast rather than fleeing in terror.

Yamane is the first of the investigators to crest the hill and he gleefully tells his companions that he has just witnessed a creature from the Jurassic period. There's no time for them to be skeptical, because Godzilla helpfully backs up Yamane's claim by rearing up over the hill and roaring at them. And while Ishiro Honda decided he wanted to build up to Godzilla's first appearance with mere implications and teases before this grand reveal (gee, where else have I seen that happen?), it must be said that the reveal is somewhat undercut by the fact that despite his many strengths Eiji Tsuburaya was never a particularly good puppet maker. In close-ups and expression shots, as with this sequence, Godzilla is rendered by a hand puppet--and the hand puppet is many, many times worse than the suit it is meant to look just like. For one thing, apart from moving like a hand puppet, its proportions are all wrong--I'm particularly fascinated by its skeletal, stunted arms. That said, the puppet actually looks good for most of this sequence so the first impression of Godzilla is actually fierce and bestial, almost terrifying--until he suddenly turns into a Muppet.


Luckily for the terrified islanders, Godzilla is content to terrify them with his roar and then return to the sea. Coming back from Odo Island, Yamane adresses the committee with the evidence he has found: the photographs of Godzilla, the trilobite specimen, and the presence of strontium-90 that proves a link between Godzilla and H-Bomb tests.  Yamane theorizes that the 165-foot tall beast was driven from its home in a deep sea trench when repeated H-bomb tests drove it from its habitat.  (Don't show this sequence to any actual paleontologists as Yamane uses time period names and dates interchangeably, as well as suggesting that dinosaurs and trilobites both went extinct only two million years ago)  Yamane's lecture is interrupted then by a political argument over whether the truth of Godzilla's origin should be kept secret or not, a debate that nearly tuns violent!

As film (and Godzilla) historian David Kalat points out in his commentary on the Criterion disc, this is both a reference to the division of public opinion in Japan at the time with regards to how much to blame America for the Lucky Dragon No. 5 incident and something that would have been illegal under Japanese censorship laws just two years prior. Movies were forbidden from depicting scenes where the new, American-esque democratic government was depicted as ineffectual. And, while the violent end of the debate is left in the American cut, its vaguely anti-American motivations are cut out. More on that later.

The truth of Godzilla's existence does at least get out, however, as we see a truly fascinating scene (also cut from the American cut) where commuters on a train gripe about how Godzilla is going to force them to live the way they did during American bombing raids the decade before and one of them groans about having escaped Nagasaki only to face Godzilla, Well, the JSDF wants citizens like her to not have to worry about that, so they send frigates to try and kill Godzilla with depth charges. As Yamane, Emiko, Ogata, and Shinkichi--now adopted by the Yamane family, as many war orphans were a decade prior--watch the footage on TV, Yamane leaves the room in disgust.  He believes that Godzilla should be studied and not destroyed--after all, what could we learn from a creature that survived a nuclear explosion?

Well, Yamane need not have worried. We find our commuters from earlier on a party ship in Tokyo Bay, just in time for Godzilla to surface in the bay and menace the ship. (As an aside, thanks to David Kalat's commentary, I noticed for the first time in my dozens of viewings of this film that Kenji Sahara, one of the most prolific Japanese sci-fi and fantasy actors of all time and the human villain of my favorite Godzilla movie, has a blink-and-you'll-miss-him appearance as a patron with a cigarette) Godzilla doesn't destroy the ship, but he does terrify its passengers before he submerges again,

More committees are formed, desperate to kill Godzilla, but Yamane points out a fallacy in their certainty that they can beat the monster: "Godzilla was baptized in the fire ofthe H-bomb and survived. What could kill it now?" Well, Yamane may not have any ideas--but it turns out Hagiwara may know someone who does. See, his editor has informed him that a German scientist recently let it slip that Dr. Serizawa may be researching the very answer to the Godzilla problem the Japanese are seeking. Emiko is willing to take Hagiwara to see her fiance, but Serizawa vehemently denies knowing any German scientists (no doubt a loaded thing to admit to in 1950s Japan, just on the face of it) and asks Hagiwara to leave.

Emiko stays, intent on telling Serizawa the truth. He stops her, however, because he wants to show her his work, so she'll understand why he couldn't tell the reporter. He shows her to a fish tank in his lab and drops a small object into the tank, before activating a switch. Emiko screams and recoils in horror, but later swears to keep his discovery secret. Honda plays coy at this point, not revealing the truth until later, but Serizawa has accidentally stumbled across a destructive chemical he dubs "The Oxygen Destroyer" which completely dissolves all organic life in any body of water it's dropped into.


Serizawa fears that if this discovery got out, governments the world over would salivate at the prospect of another super weapon. He fears the lengths they'd go to get his invention, so he has determined that its secret will go with him to his grave. Yet how can Emiko possibly keep secret what she knows when Godzilla comes ashore in Tokyo and destroys a crowded train as prelude to his next attack, when he reduces Tokyo to nothing but flames and ruin?


With all the various mutations Godzilla has gone through over the last 61 years, 29 follow-up films, and myriad comic books and cartoon series--it can be easy to forget that this original film is a grim, harrowing horror tale that absolutely earns its somber quality.

When Godzilla's plates glowed with white-hot intensity in 2014, the audience cheered. In 1954, it was the only warning before hell was unleashed on anyone in his path. And Ishiro Honda never lets the audience forget the human cost. We see the aftermath of Godzilla's destruction in a way that King Kong or The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms largely glossed over. Honda makes us dwell on the wounded, the dying, and the grief that the lucky survivors feel. And he even makes us feel the pain of the most unlikely character: Godzilla himself.

Godzilla is the walking avatar of the nuclear bomb. He is death and carnage--and yet Honda never lets us forget that he is as much a victim as the people he kills in his angry rampage. When Godzilla's defeat comes, and it is shockingly final for the first film in a series that is still producing entries, Honda makes the sympathy we feel for Godzilla at the end truly earned. That last haunting howl before he sinks beneath the waves is a marvelous send-off for the beast.


And the film ends with Yamane hinting that Godzilla might not be the last of his kind. In the far remove of 2015, when everything is expected to set up a sequel, this feels like an obvious hook. Yet, it is actually intended as something entirely separate--something greater.

The film is pleading with the world to not continue to create monsters out of nuclear fire, to not wipe whole cities off the map, and to not ruin innocent lives. The film is echoing the words of the real-life radio operator of the Lucky Dragon No. 5 as he succumbed to radiation poisoning, "I pray that I am the last victim of an atomic or hydrogen bomb." Far from teasing a sequel, the film means, "Please, let there be no more Godzillas."

It's a resonant, possibly futile message...that would be lost on Americans, so it's gotta go!

When American distributors got ahold of Godzilla in 1956, they had a strong conviction about a few things: One, that the film had huge potential to turn a hefty profit in the US just as it had in its native Japan. Two, that those profits would be neglible if they released it in subtitled Japanese because the film would never play anything but arthouse cinemas in the American market. Three, American audiences were fucking racists who would never identify with the plight of an entirely Japanese cast.

So the distributors hit upon an idea that was, when you really look at it, kind of a brilliant compromise. They hired director Terry Morse to oversee new scenes where an American reporter named Steve Martin, played by Raymond Burr hot off his notable turn as the villain in Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window and a year before he really rose to fame as Perry Mason on television, becomes caught in the middle of the events of the film and relates the story back to his editor in the states while being assisted by Security Officer Tomo (Frank Iwanaga), and released the film as Godzilla, King of The Monsters!


Now, the truly hilarious thing is that it was decided that Steve Martin--I'm still hoping for the next American Godzilla movie to have a cameo of Steve Martin playing a reporter named Raymond Burr--needed to interact with the story proper and, indeed, to be an old friend of Serizawa and Yamane. This means lots of scenes of Burr addressing the back's of people's heads.

Clearly, that is the back of Professor Yamane's head.

Now, there's no question that Godzilla, King of The Monsters! is a very altered film when compared to the original. Godzilla runs 96 minutes and Godzilla, King of The Monsters! runs a comparatively scrawny 80 minutes. Much of the original film has been torn out and replaced with new footage, especially any scenes where the anti-nuclear message becomes too strong. The film has also been rearranged greatly--it opens with Steve Martin coming to in a ruined Tokyo, having barely survived Godzilla's rampage and flashes back to the beginning where it's revealed his flight passed over the area where the first ship was attacked, so Tomo holds him for questioning after he gets off the flight and then ends up inviting him along on the rest of the story so both characters can hover at the periphery. Martin also becomes an omnipresent narrator, occasionally even talking over character scenes that they couldn't squeeze him into, while other such scenes are dubbed almost at random--the decision for which scenes would be narrated and which would be dubbed are rather haphazard, since the needs of the audience to know what the hell is going on were wisely put before diagetic logic. As for Martin's narration he thankfully does not follow the path that subsequent Americanizations would take in that he does not just narrate what's happening on the screen and, in fact, knows when the hell to shut up.

Although he, hilariously, cannot pronounce "helicopter."

The astonishing thing about the edited film, though, is just how faithful it remains to the original version. Unlike other altered versions, director Terry Morse was wise enough to see that Akira Ifukube's amazing score should be left unaltered. The tone of the film was left unaltered as well: while the explicit warnings about how awful nuclear weapons are may have been toned down, the grim tone of the film was not. Indeed, Godzilla's rampage in Tokyo does not appear to suffer a single cut, even if many very moving scenes lose their power by being left untranslated--if the scene of the mother assuring her children that they'll be with their father soon as the flames close in on them doesn't hit you in the gut, then you are made of sterner stuff than I.

I will even go so far as to say that, occasionally, I prefer some of the alterations made by the Americans. While the rampage scenes are largely unaltered, there are two destruction sequences where Terry Morse decided to add the sound effect of Godzilla's victims screams--when he tosses a train car to the ground after picking it up in his jaws and when he obliterates a police car with his atomic breath before the driver can escape. Without the screams those two bits are the only ones that feel less effective in the original film.


In the end, of course I will always say that Ishiro Honda's original film is superior. However, it is a fallacy that even I have been guilty of to say that Godzilla, King of The Monsters! is somehow worthless because it altered a great film. For starters, without Terry Morse's version who knows if Godzilla would have ever been as popular in the West as he eventually became? More intriguingly, it's entirely possible that Godzilla would never have made more than two screen appearances without Morse's version.

Godzilla was, after all, a massive hit in Japan. And just as had happened with King Kong in the 1930s, the decision was made to rush a sequel into theaters a mere six months later! Now, while I think Godzilla Raids Again is far superior to Son of Kong and, frankly, is often unfairly maligned by the fandom--Japanese audiences clearly did not agree with me. While not entirely a flop, there's no question that the film fizzled at the box office. Toho decided that, instead of bringing Godzilla back for a third fim, they would branch off in other directions--such as introdcuing the world to the first flying kaiju in living color with Rodan and charging into luxurious TohoScope (their answer to CinemaScope) with alien invasion epics The Mysterians (which also features a giant robot monster) and Battle in Outer Space (which doesn't).

The success of Godzilla, King of The Monsters! overseas (so successful, in fact, that it was actually given a theatrical release in Japan in 1957 as Monster King Godzilla) convinced Toho that there was an interest in their biggest star overseas. Even if they, oddly, were completely on board with the plan to erase Godzilla's name value from Godzilla Raids Again when it was first intended to have its effects footage reused for the scrapped project "The Volcano Monsters" about a giant Tyrannosaurus (Godzilla) and a giant Ankylosaurus (Anguirus) tangling in San Francisco, and again when it was finally released as Gigantis, The Fire Monster in 1959.

Point is, without Raymond Burr talking to the backs of heads, the world would never have gotten the third appearance by Godzilla in the biggest screen match-up ever: 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla. And we most certainly would not be getting its rematch, Godzilla vs. Kong in 2020. I think that deserves a lot of respect.

Of course, critics of the the time certainly did not agree.


Just look at the dismissive review from Bosley Crowther of The New York Times, whose very name tells you he's a smug prick, frankly, and having browsed some of his other reviews of genre film I find that the man seems an inveterate killjoy. However, his attitude towards Godzilla, King of The Monsters! is truly insufferable:

To say that this Oriental monster is fantastic is to state but half the case. "Godzilla," produced in a Japanese studio, is an incredibly awful film. It looks as though its Japanese producers, assisted by a stray American—fellow named Terry Morse, who is an alumnus of Hollywood's Poverty Row—made a close study of the old film, "King Kong," then tried to do substantially the same thing with a miniature of a dinosaur made of gum-shoes and about $20 worth of toy buildings and electric trains. 

Their idea is that this monster, which exhales atomic breath, much as the cigarette billboard in Times Square blows out puffs of smoke, takes it upon itself, for no clear reason, to destroy Tokyo. And a good half hour of the picture's eighty minutes is devoted to this pursuit.

Makes me want to go back in time and give the man an atomic wedgie. Especially since, I have become increasingly aware as I grow older that the only difference between "about $20 worth of toy buildings and electric trains" and praise worthy special effects is what country is making the effects.

In his book, A Critical History and Filmography of Toho's Godzilla Series, David Kalat raises a beautiful point--one he also touches on in his Criterion commentary--that the aggravating tendency to dismiss Godzilla movies has a distinct whiff of prejudice about it. Kalat writes:

I do not wish to accuse anyone of racism, certainly not over something as trivial as a monster movie. Nevertheless, I am left speechless by reviewers who spend one page deriding Japanese productions for man-in-a-suit monsters but then on the next page express admiration for Western films using the same techniques. I have read countless apologists for some of the worst science fiction films ever made that just happen to be American productions, while Japanese imports of extremely high quality receive ridicule and contempt.

Indeed, how often are War of the Worlds or When Worlds Collide hailed for their special effects, which use miniatures not exceptionally better than Godzilla. The Creature From the Black Lagoon is a man in a suit, and so is Alien. Yet somehow Godzilla continually gets dismissed for being cheap. Now, Kalat has also pointed out that Japanese audiences don't care as much about whether a film's special effects are "realistic" the way Americans do. While I have no doubt that there is a lot of truth to that, I still feel that the bigger difference in acceptance of the effects that bring Godzilla to life are simply a matter of who is doing them.


In the end, I'm obviously biased. Godzilla has been a part of my life for about 24 years as of this writing. I can find something good to say about his most bizarre, most threadbare, most despised, and most mediocre entries. That said, I think that Godzilla is absolutely essential viewing. Perhaps some modern audiences need to have their special effects cynicism turned off before viewing it, but even if they must snicker at the special effects I can only hope that they at least give the story a chance. They won't regret it.

And naturally, I also have to say that the Criterion edition is the best way to go. It's the best the film has ever looked, has an amazing wealth of extras, and the packaging is beautiful.


This review is my contribution to the Criterion Blogathon! Click the banner below to check out the scores of other amazing entries, including several from the other Celluloid Zeroes!


(And if you don't already have it, pick up the Criterion edition below!)

If there's one thing many of us fear, it's becoming like the generations before us. This takes many forms such as becoming "uncool", losing our ability to understand technology, our politics becoming frighteningly regressive, or maybe finding ourselves in a loveless marriage that will either end in divorce or both partners longing for the release of death.

And who can forget becoming possessed by the vengeful spirit of our warlock great-great-grandfather who used to summon elder gods?

You may be a might bit confused as to how elder gods fit in to a movie ostensibly based on Edgar Allan Poe. That particular trope wasn't really one of Poe's trademarks--but it was a trademark for one H.P. Lovecraft. However, at least in the early 1960s, it seems that H.P. Lovecraft's name just did not have the cachet that Edgar Allan Poe's did. Frankly, I'd argue that's still true today: name me a middle school English class where students have to read "The Call of Cthulhu" or "The Colour Out Of Space" and I'll eat my hat.

Not only that but, in 1963, schlockmeister Roger Corman was enjoying great success with his cycle of films based on Poe's stories. If you're familiar with any of the stories and poems Corman chose to adapt, you're aware that many did not have much of a story to begin with. The Masque of The Red Death is showing stretch marks even with additional Poe stories added into it.

So Corman can definitely be forgiven for deciding to take an appealing title from an Edgar Allan Poe poem, have Vincent Price recite a few lines from it here and there, and then base the bulk of it on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Strange Case of Charles Dexter Ward."

The film's opening credits play over footage of a spider building its web, before a Monarch butterfly lands in the web and the spider sets upon it. I have to conclude that the scene of ants devouring a Monarch in Crimson Peak was at least partly inspired by this, given the definite attempts to capture the essence of a Corman Poe film.

We open in the port village of Arkham, on a suitably stormy night in the 18th Century. At the local pub, Ezra Weeden (Leo Gordon) is restless, despite Micah Smith's (Elisha Cook, Jr.) assurances that nothing is going to happen on a night like this. Well, Ezra is not convinced and he turns out to be in the right, for he catches sight of Miss Fitch (Darlene Lucht), a young woman from the town, walking through the darkened streets in a fugue state. Ezra gets Micah to accompany him as they follow the girl through a cemetery to the gates of the Curwen palace. Micah, previously skeptical, agrees with Ezra now that the palace is the home of Satan himself and they hurry back to town to form a lynch mob.

If that's what they do when merely seeing a girl walking up to the house, imagine if they'd seen inside. Hester Tillinghast (Cathie Merchant) presents the girl to her master and lover, Joseph Curwen (Vincent Price). The two then lead her down to a dungeon, where she is tied up before a huge grate. Curwen chants a rite in Latin and then lifts the grate to reveal an unseen creature that growls as poor Miss Fitch screams in terror at the sight of it.

"She's fine, I assure you. 'Aaaaaaugh!' is just our safe word."

Yet when the mob arrives, Hester and Curwen happily answer the door and present a seemingly unharmed Miss Fitch. She happily tells the mob that she came to visit Curwen and Hester of her own free will. However, Ezra asks the girl what her name is--and she cannot answer. So that's all the proof the mob needs and Curwen finds himself tied to a tree in his front yard, a pile of dry straw soaked in oil at his feet. Ezra begs Hester be spared because she was bewitched, but since he clearly desires her for himself he might not actually know what he's talking about.

As is typical of this kind of story, the townsfolk allow Curwen a chance to confess his sins and beg for mercy. Curwen uses that opportunity, instead, to curse the town of Arkham so that for generations to come the families of Ezra Weeden, Micah Smith, Benjamin West (John Dierkes), Priam Willet (Frank Maxwell), and Gideon Leach (Guy Wilkerson) will suffer for the insolence of turning against Curwen. Worse, Curwen swears that he shall one day return from the dead. Well, he has to be dead first, so Ezra goes ahead and takes care of that for him by tossing the first torch on the pyre.

"Killing me won't bring back your damned apples!"

One hundred and ten years later, Arkham has indeed languished in the shadow of the Curwen palace. So the townsfolk are not going to be thrilled to discover that Charles Dexter Ward (also Price), the great-grea-grandson of Joseph Curwen has just arrived with his wife Ann Ward (Debra Paget) to claim his inheritance of the Curwen place. The carriage drops them off at the local tavern, The Burning Man. Ann remarks that the name is quaint, but Charles seems oddly discomforted by it. Perhaps he's afraid the patrons will be white people in dreadlocks and feather headdresses.

"All right, dear, but you know how I feel about hipsters."

Well, he needn't have worried on that score. However, he does find that an uncanny resemblance to previous generations is widespread in Arkham as he makes the acquaintance of Peter Smith (Cook, again), Edgar Weeden (Gordon, again), and Mr. Leach (Wilkerson, again), The group are outwardly hostile to Charles, having recognized him on sight, and refuse to tell him the way to the Curwen place. Weeden explains that the palace was brought over stone-by-stone from Europe, and evil was a part of its very fabric. Leach tells them to tear up the deed to the place and never look back. Only Dr. Marinus Willet (Maxwell, again) defies the others on account of his rejection of superstition and directs them on how to find the palace on the cliff overlooking the sea and the town.

Yes, they probably should have been able to figure that out on their own once they knew they were looking for a palace, but just you never mind that. Dr. Willet invites them to visit him some time, but Charles informs him that they won't be staying in Arkahm once they've had a look at the palace--the welcome they received was quite enough for him. Ann is somewhat more willing to stay, but she is happy to go along with Charles if that's his decision.

On their way to the place, the Wards happen upon a woman leading her daughter along--and witness that the young girl has no eyes. Indeed, we shall soon see that deformities, birth defects, and madness afflict many of the people of Arkham. Peter Smith has webbed fingers on one hand, and Edgar Weeden has a bestial son that he keeps locked in an upstairs room--and the boy becomes increasingly riled up after the Wards' arrival.

At the palace, which the Wards have been told was uninhabited, they make a series of bizarre discoveries. First, that the painting of Joseph Curwen looks identical to Charles. Second, that a secretary desk has a harmless snake inside it, which startles Ann so Charles kills it with a handy blunt instrument. (The death blow thankfully happens just out of frame, so I feel certain the snake was actually unharmed) Third, Charles senses that a certain passage in the palace leads to noewhere, despite having no way of knowing that. And finally, the two make the shocking acquaintance of a man named Simon Orne (Lon Chaney, Jr.) in the upstairs bedroom.

"Why yes, you did see me walking with the Queen."

Simon explains that he is the caretaker and was trying to tidy up the place before they arrived. He claims that he received word from their lawyer, but that doesn't explain why he was cleaning up in the dark. Simon shrugs it off as people who live around Arkham just get used to the dark. He also advises that supper will be served at eight, and Ann is surprised that Charles now wants to stay. He assures her it's just for the night, at least.

However, as Charles smokes downstairs by the fireplace that night, something comes over him as he stares at the painting of his great-great-grandfather. As Charles's face turns cruel, Simon watches knowingly from the shadows. The next day, Ann finishes packing--only for Charles to tell her that he has decided that they shall stay, just long enough to fix the place up. He claims that about two to three weeks of work should make it far more attractive to a potential buyer and it will fetch a high price.

Ann senses something about Charles is off, especially when he snaps that she can go home when she casually mentions not being happy about staying. However, it passes and he seems to return to his noraml self. However, as the two attempt to go shopping for supplies in town, they find most of the shops locked--and then they are suddenly surrounded by the town's deformed citizens. Several are missing eyes or ears, and they have distorted faces and limbs. They crowd the Wards in tight--until the bell tolls, and they turn just as suddenly and disperse. From a nearby window, Edgar and Peter have been watching this unfold.

"Give to The Human Fund!"

The Wards have Dr. Willet over for dinner that night, and he helpfully explains a few things. One, the people that accosted them are all the mutants in town, which Willet is sure Edgar gathered together in one place to scare the Wards off. He explains that the townsfolk want the Wards gone because Arkham is haunted by the guilt and terror of a single night. One hundred and fifty years ago, Willet explains, Joseph Curwen moved to Arkham and built the palace. His wife, unfortunately, died in childbirth so he took Hester to be his mistress. Except Hester was engaged to Ezra, which meant that Ezra had it in for Curwen.

So wasn't it convenient then, that strange things had been happening in Arkham ever since Curwen arrived. Horrible noises in the night and young girls disappearing at night, only to return in the morning with no memory of where they'd been, Ezra contrived to place the blame on Curwen's doorstep, convincing the townsfolk that Curwen was a warlock. "One who raises the dead," Willet explains when Ann is ignorant of the term. Actually, that's a necromancer, doc. Willet explains that Curwen was burned alive one night and placed a curse on the village.

Charles scoffs, as surely every witch or warlock killed in America left a curse behind. Why should his ancestor's curse be taken so seriously? Well, not every witch or warlock killed in America was thought to have gotten their hands on the Necronomicon, now were they? Willet explains that the Necronomicon was though to hold the key to absolute power--and a means to summon the Elder Gods. Gods like Cthtulhu and Yog-Sothoth.

And, to my unending amusement, Frank Maxwell pronounces Cthulhu as "Thoo-Loo" instead of the more commonly accepted "Ka-Thoo-Loo."

At any rate, the Arkham townsfolk believed Curwen was conspiring with two other warlocks to open the gates that bar the Elder Gods from this world by mating them with human women. That's their explanation for all the mutants: failed experiments. To the Wards' alarm, Dr. Willet doesn't have an explanation of his own--but he tells them to flee Arkham before the townsfolk decide to destroy him.

They're just jealous of that sweet matte painting.

That night, a thunderstorm rolls in and Charles is awakened by the storm and then, oddly, the sound of voices. He follows the voices out to the front yard, to the tree where Curwen was burned as they scream out, "Kill the warlock!" Simon startles him by appearing to offer him a coat. When Simon tells Charles he didn't hear any voices, he oddly follows that up by telling Charles he ought to ask Mr. Curwen about it. Well, Charles oddly follows this advice--and one look at the painting is enough to put Curwen in the driver's seat.

He asks Simon how long it's been and is told one hundred and ten years. He is delighted to discover the body he's possessing is his great-great-grandson, and further delighted to see his other companion, Jabez Hutchinson (Milton Parsons) has joined them, Yep, Simon and Jabez are the other two warlocks Willet spoke of, who both look amazing for their age. The reunion is brief, though, because Charles is fighting for control. Curwen implores Simon to keep Charles in the palace a little longer so he can take full control. He then asks for the book, and to my delight it turns out that the Necronomicon is an embossed leather-bound tome that is labeled "Necronomicon" on its face.

"You'll never guess what I found at the flea market!"

Curwen orders the others to leave him just in time, as Ann comes down to find her husband. He has no idea why he came downstairs and he responds to her plea that they leave by saying he'd like to, but can't. When she begs him to explain why he can't leave, a flash of lightning is bizarrely followed  by the film cutting to Curwen digging up the grave of Hester. Skipping out on a scene before it's actually done is one way to advance the plot, sure.

At the Burning Man, the descendants of the mob that killed Curwen are arguing about what to do. Willet dismisses them all as superstitious fools. Of course, he's not aware that Curwen is currently bringing Hester's coffin into his palace with the help of Jabez and Simon. Ann catches him alone after the others have gone through the secret passage to the dungeon and she demands to know why he's acting so strange and begs him to leave with her for Boston. He snaps at her, but after she pleads with him to at least go see Dr. Willet, he replies that he will pay the doctor a special visit within the week. After Ann leaves, momentarily satisfied but still obviously hurt, Charles breaks through. Unfortunately, his freedom is short-lived and as the voice of the painting calls to him, Curwen takes control again.

Realizing that Ann was spying on him, Curwen orders her to leave for Boston tomorrow and then chases her off to bed so he can return to his late night sorcery. In the secret dungeon, Curwen helps his companions open the coffin of Hester. Meanwhile, Ann wakes up again and wanders the palace in search of Charles. This means she runs afoul of a few rats and a tarantula--as you would expect in a New England castle--before encountering Simon lurking in the shadows. She faints in his arms and Simon takes her back up to her room and locks her in before returning to the dungeon as Curwen recites the spell to reanimate Hester. Well, it works for a moment, but as Simon advises Curwen, it's just been too long.

"Nonsense, a little rubber cement and she'll be good as new!"

The effort to unsuccessfully revive his lost love has the effect of allowing Charles to regain control, He goes back to his room, confused as to what has been going on. He declares that he and Ann shall leave the following morning. Unfortunately, Simon is crafty and delays Charles from leaving just long enough for him to be forced to look at the painting again. So when Willet pulls up and Ann tells him they were just leaving, she's mistaken. Still, Willet tells her that he had come to warn them that they ought to be leaving--seems someone dug up old Hester's grave and stole the body. And the townsfolk believe Charles is responsible.

"Charles" comes out and claims that it was Weeden and his friends who dug up the grave to try and drive him away. To Ann's horror, he tells Willet that he is not leaving and he can tell the townsfolk that. After Curwen returns to the castle, Ann confides to Willet about what's been happening. He just assumes it to be psychological, but inside Curwen is telling Jabez and Simon that he has control and "Charles Dexter Ward is dead." To their consternation, however, Curwen doesn't want to get started on the work just yet. Simon begs him to forget it, but Curwen refuses to forgive the slight of being burned alive.

Oh, no. Before he starts raising Elder Gods again, Curwen has one hundred and ten years of revenge to catch up on...

"Wait'll they get a load of me!"

I have to say that I have never actually read the short story upon which this film is based. Lovecraft is published in so many different varieties of collections that getting a truly complete collection seemed impossible back when I actually gave a shit about trying to read most of his work. So this was one of the stories I never got around to.

So I came to this film with no expectations of what it would deliver on beyond what I knew to expect of a Vincent Price performance and a Roger Corman film. As such, I find this film delightful.

The atmosphere of the film, for one thing, is marvelous. You'll never for a minute believe it's taking place anywhere but on a set, but that actually adds to its appeal. The cemetery set, for instance, looks like something from a German Expressionist film. Everything outdoors is perpetually smoky to indicate fog. And the matte paintings, while obvious, are exquisitely done.

The only time the film's artificial nature works against it is in the rendering of what's in the pit of Curwen's dungeon. The strength of Lovecraft's Elder Gods and other beasts lies in the inability to describe them. Therefore, a film version of Lovecraft would do well to not show its monsters at all. The Haunted Palace does not learn that lesson, and the way it goes about showing an Elder God is truly, hilariously risible. The creature is blatantly a plastic statue of what appears to be a four-armed goblin with a hasty distortion filter placed over it. If you were to go mad at the sight of this creature, it would be from laughter.

"Grr! Rargh! Stop laughing!"

The monster, however, deserves to be an afterthought. The true monster of the film is Curwen, and holy crap is Vincent Price more than up to the challenge. Not only does Price do a wonderful job of creating the character of Curwen, he does an amazing job creating the character of Charles as well. You can tell immediately when he switches between the two personas. And he makes it effortless, too. It doesn't hurt that he gets some wonderful dialogue in both personalities,

Corman knows what he's doing in the director's chair, too. Apart from a few abrupt transitions, the film builds wonderfully to its climax of a beautiful woman being offered as sacrifice to a monster, as an unruly mob marches on the castle. And it wisely ends on a note that leaves you not quite sure of who actually survived the fire that destroys the castle--though you have a pretty good idea just the same,

The Haunted Palace is not exactly a lost classic. Apart from the silly monster, it also features a score that--while quite good--is incredibly repetitive. Yet, it doesn't have a single performance that doesn't fit the film's aesthetic. Price may be the film's strongest point, but everyone in the cast handles their roles well. And there's no question that it's damn entertaining.

I highly recommend The Haunted Palace. It sometimes gets forgotten amongst the rest of Corman's Poe films, but it is every bit as good as the rest and better than several--which is high praise, indeed.

The Celluloid Zeroes are delighted to present Hex Appeal! We all took a look at a movie about vengeful witches, and several of us completely forgot the witch part! (I chose a vengeful warlock, so I was in the right ballpark)

Check out the other reviews:

Checkpoint Telstar enlists the aid of The Witchfinder General

Cinemasochist Apocalypse dabbles in Black Magic

Las Peliculas de Terror got a bad case of Asmodexia

Micro-Brewed Reviews takes part in some Midnight Offerings

Psychoplasmics reminds you, Don't Torture a Duckling

Web of the Big Damn Spider joins up with Ator, The Fighting Eagle

As an outsider to a given country's popular culture, it's easy to see some unusual trends when you do dip your toes into said culture. One of the stranger aspects I've encountered in the Japanese movies and television shows that I've actually seen is the story line of someone--usually a child--having a beloved pet turtle that everyone around them conspires to force them to get rid of, particularly parents and authority figures.

The Gamera series sees this happen twice  in the original series alone, in Gamera The Giant Monster and Gamera The Super Monster, and there's the truly inexplicable "Grow Up, Little Turtle!" episode of Ultra Q. Naturally, Sion Sono's Love & Peace is another film that follows this bizarre pattern, though it does so in a way that is far closer to a feature-length Ultra Q episode than a Gamera film.

However, even that doesn't describe this film adequately. This is a rock and roll romantic fairy tale with living toys and a kaiju-sized turtle at its heart.

It's also disturbingly fitting that I saw this film the day that David Bowie passed away.

Ryoichi Suzuki (Hiroki Hasegawa) is a loser. Once upon a time, he was an aspiring musician, but nobody came to his concerts. It's now the summer of 2015 and he has become a clerk at a company that sells parts for musical instruments. (The compnay has the English word "Piece" in its name, which can only be intentional) Everybody laughs at Ryoichi--his coworkers, fellow commuters, and even the talking heads on television take time out from talking about the 2020 Olympics in Japan to point and laugh at him or interview people on the street about how much of a loser he is.

Even automatic doors and elevators think Ryoichi is beneath contempt. The only person or object that doesn't mock him mercilessly is his mousy coworker, Yuko Terajima (Kumiko Aso). One day, when Ryoichi is doubled over from stomach pain, Yuko not only pulls off the "Hazardous Waste" sign a coworker stuck to his back, but offers him a blister pack of pink pills to ease his stomach. Ryoichi doesn't take them, but instead keeps them as a treasure--one of the only forms of affection he has received in ages.

Exchanging Pepto-Bismol is probably how most office romances start, really.

However, that's all going to change in a way that Ryoichi--and everyone around him--could not possibly see coming. One day, while eating lunch alone on a rooftop, Ryoichi sees a strange man selling little turtles out of a dingy little tank and goes to investigate. Upon sighting an adorable, smiley turtle that looks up at him with what seems to be a smile, Ryoichi buys it on the spot.

"And when you grow to 99 centimeters, you'll take me to the dragon's palace, right?"

Taking the turtle home, Ryoichi tries to think of a name for it while playing his guitar for the turtl'es amusment--and then overhears the talking heads on TV going into the street and asking if anyone knows what "pikadon" is any more. Most think it sounds like a kaiju, but after Ryoichi decides that it's a perfect name for his turtle, the hostess explains that it is a reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki--"pika" for the brilliant light of the atomic explosion and "don" for the booming sound it created.

Well, it's as good a name as any for a turtle and Pikadon seems to like it. Ryoichi shows Pikadon the pills Yuko gave him, explaining that they're his treasure--and then he gets a strange idea and places the turtle on the board for the game of Life. To his delight, Pikadon takes him to fame and fortune as he follows the game board--only to decide on utter destitution at the last fork in the road. Undeterred, Ryoichi decides to build a miniature city around a progression of goals that leads to the big finale, playing a concert at the new Nippon Stadium. He places Pikadon on the goals, shouting, "Kaiju Pikadon," as the little turtle follows the path all the way to the edge of the stadium. Truly, Ryoichi has found the key to his success in Pikadon.

I have no idea if any of the band posters in his apartment are real, but I kinda want to listen to The Fuck Bombers.

Unfortunately, Ryoichi's happiness and success in life are about to take a dive. After several days of happiness, during which even his neighbor notices that he and the turtle are inseparable, Ryoichi decides to bring his pet to the office in his pocket. All seems to be starting off promisingly enough, since with Pikadon with him even the doors and elevators seem to acknowledge Ryoichi. However, he doesn't hide the turtle well enough and Yuko sees Pikadon.

Now, Yuko thinks nothing of it, of course. She's a good person, it's a cute turtle, and as far as she's concerned it's nice that Ryoichi has a pet. However, Ryoichi's tormentors in the office realize she's noticing something at Ryoichi's desk and they promptly begin taunting him mercilessly, even his boss. In a panic, Ryoichi flees to a public bathroom and tosses Pikadon into a toilet--and flushes him away. He instantly regrets it, and is haunted by that last look on the turtle's face, but it's too late.

Ryoichi wanders the streets in grief. He see the turtle vendor and falls to his knees, screaming for forgiveness when the man innocently asks how his turtle is doing. Worse, Ryoichi sees a long-haired guitarist (Eita Okuno) performing on the street and tearfully accosts the confused man when he sees that the guitar's base depicts three elephants atop a turtle that looks a lot like Pikadon.

And where is Pikadon in all this? Well, I doubt you'd ever guess this, but the little turtle has just washed up into a little sewer alcove that is home to some unique denizens. No, they aren't also turtles. Rather, Pikadon makes the acquaintance of an animate, talking doll named Maria (Shoko Nakigawa), a talking plush cat named Sulkie (Inuko Inuyama), and a talking robot named PC-300 (Gen Hoshino). The three living toys share their lair with an entire menagerie of other animate toys, as well as talking dogs, cats, and other animals. They all eagerly greet their new friend, but realize he can't speak yet. However, Papa (Toshiyuki Nishida) can fix that.

No, he's not this film's version of Fagin, but now I kind of wish he was.

Papa is a mysterious, frequently drunk old man who has the ability to make magical candies that can bestow speech upon animals and life upon inanimate objects. Pikadon wasn't the only new arrival, since there was also another toy robot--the others lament that it was smashed beyond repair, but Papa is determined to fix it. It takes him most of the day, but before he's ready to sleep the toys and animals beg him to give Pikadon the talking candy. Papa finally relents and feeds a glowing orb to Pikadon before heading to bed, since it will take until the morning for it to take effect.

The Spice is life.

Yet, it doesn't take long for a different effect to take hold. While mourning for his lost Pikadon, Ryoichi begins strumming on his guitar--and suddenly, he begins to have the notes to a song in the lost turtle's honor. Pikadon begins to glow strangely, as Ryoichi wanders the streets and begins to see lyrics for the song appear in the signs around him. Soon, he has a full song written--and in the morning, Papa and the others awake to find that Pikadon has grown into a dog-sized turtle that contently "la la la"s the melody of Ryoichi's song.

Pikadon is a rare beast--the intentionally cute kaiju that is actually cute.

Papa is despondent, for he realizes he mixed up and gave Pikadon a "Wish Candy." The others are furious and jealous when they realize that Papa had such a thing and never shared it. But Papa explains to the them the trouble with wishes--if he gave them all wishes, wouldn't they just go right back to the masters who abandoned them? And wouldn't they gladly grant the wishes of said masters, too? It would never end, Papa explains, for none of them understand how greedy humans can be. Look at Pikadon--if he's already grown so big, who knows how big he will become by the time his master's wishes are all granted?

Well, Papa is right, because Pikadon's wish-granting is just beginning. While mourning on the street, Ryoichi gets recognized by the guitarist, who turns out to belong to a band called Revolution Q (Dai Hasegawa as the bass player, Yukimasa Tanimoto as the drummer, and Izumi on keyboards). The band are driving around in their van when the guitarist spots Ryoichi and they effectively kidnap him and take him to a park where they're playing a gig. The guitarist riles the crowd up by telling them how insane Ryoichi goes whenever he sees his guitar, which represents how ancient people viewed the world.

As part of the lark, the guitarist puts the confused and weeping Ryoichi up to the mic and gives him a guitar and tells him to play a song for the audience. Well, Ryoichi goes ahead and plays the song and the crowd eats it up--and among that crowd is a record producer (Miyuki Matsuda), who was scouting Revolution Q, but she's found what she really wants in Ryoichi.

Before Ryoichi knows what hit him, he's being ushered to a recording studio to meet with that producer as well as a manager (Kiyohiko Shibukawa) and being told that he is going to be "Wild Ryo," the front man for Revolution Q. Then the producer says she loves the anti-war, call for peace message of his song--but wouldn't it be better if it was called "Love & Peace" instead of "Pikadon"? Ryo's barely processed that when the manager tells him that not only should he quit his job, but by the end of the year he should announce he's going solo from Revolution Q.

Ryo needs to sleep on it, so the manager happily shows him that they've painstakingly recreated his dingy little apartment as a compartment in the nice waterfront flat he now has, courtesy of the record company. (The reveal is a great exchange, where the manager first says they moved it all and then laughs and admits they actually just paid a lot of money to recreate it from scratch) Well, the next morning Ryo gets a rude call from his boss for being late, sees that he did not dream his sudden success, and decides he will go ahead and be Wild Ryo after all. We don't actually see him quit, but we do see him offering flyers to his incredulous former colleagues--and a stunned Yuko,

"Actually, all my boyfriends have been rockstars. I just seem to be the type they go for."

Well, "Love & Peace" is a hit, all right. It rockets to the top of the charts and even Pikadon and his new friends hear it in their lair, and they even sense that the song is meant for the turtle. But Papa was right about the way wishes pile up--because soon Wild Ryo needs a follow-up hit and Pikadon has to play his muse again. And wouldn't you know it, playing the muse means he gets even bigger...

"Yes, it's adorable, but I still think maybe we should run!"

I had no real idea what to expect of Love & Peace going in, even based on the strange promotional materials for it. I knew it would be odd and I knew it would be silly, but I didn't expect just how odd and silly--and I certainly didn't expect it to be so moving. You might be a bit confused as to what I'm referring to, since I deliberately only touched on it briefly in my synopsis, but I'm referring to the B-Plot about the toys in the sewer.

While the film is having a lot of fun with a magic turtle and luckless nerd suddenly becoming a rock god, it also tells a story about the abandoned and the cast off. It tells this story with toys that were outgrown and pets that stopped being sufficiently cute. On the one side you have gentle, hopeful Maria who believes that surely her owner never meant to misplace her; on  the other side you have the aptly named Sulkie, who is bitter and spiteful of the owner who got tired of playing with him. Yet, for all Sulkie's bitterness, it's he who has the surprising capacity for warmth and compassion, and it is he who becomes closest to the turtle that can't even speak to him.

And the story behind Papa is truly strange and yet perfectly fitting that I would just come right out and spoil it--especially since it's a delightful selling point for the film--except I think it is best experienced firsthand.

Oh, and I did say this was a kaiju movie in there somewhere, too, didn't I? Well, yes it is. And the kaiju set-up pays off delightfully. Not only do you have Toru Tezuka, the mad game developer from Gamera 3 in a cameo as a possibly mad scientist, but the kaiju sequence in this film is one of an unfortunately rare breed: the parody that realizes you don't always have to tear something down in order to mock it.

This is a kaiju rampage that is hilarious, but it's not hilarious because "hur hur, rubber monsters and cardboard buildings and toy tanks are so stupid." No, this is a really well-realized sequence, with really good effects--that is hilarious because it's an adorable giant turtle rampaging through a city. One of the jokes is that there haven't been any casualties because Pikadon is so slow that everyone can easily get out of his way. And it culminates in the glory that is a giant turtle tearing through a skyscraper to the tune of "Ode to Joy."

If that doesn't warm your cold, dead heart, then I pity you.

I must also give serious praise to Hiroki Hasegawa as Ryoichi and Kumiko Aso as Yuko. Aso is thoroughly engaging as the person who saw the potential in a loser before anyone else, and the film never forces her character to have to change to match Ryo--it just accepts that if she wants him, she deserves him exactly as she is, even if he's the biggest pop idol in Japan. And Hasegawa is amazingly charismatic and constantly convincing in his role, which is a hard thing to pull off when your character has to be believable as both a gigantic loser and, well, David Bowie.

I hope Bowie saw this movie and loved it, seriously.

If you get the chance to go see this film, I highly recommend it. It was my first theatrical viewing experience of 2016--even if the Chicago Cinema Society's showing of it was technically more a screening room than a theater--and I could not have picked a better choice.

And let me tell you, it warms my heart that subtitlers no longer feel it is necessary to translate the word "kaiju."

The Puritans who came to this continent so many centuries ago were assholes. I don't think I'll get any argument on that score.

They were religious fanatics who were so obnoxious that they drove other religious fanatics up the wall, so they left themselves little recourse but to flee their homeland for The New World. There they could begin to spread their own ideas of oppression around instead of being on the receiving end.

Oh, but they weren't content to prey on the native people of the continent they claimed was their own. No, they began to turn on themselves--continuing the grand tradition of throwing around wild accusations of witchcraft as an excuse to murder women, children, and men that they disliked. Witches were never anything but a pretense, or possibly ergot poisoning.

Of course, the fact that the witches killed in these trials weren't real hasn't stopped horror stories over the years from trotting out the old trope of the lynched witch who turns out to actually be a witch and curses their killers. I've spoken of such stories quite recently, in fact.

I've known many a person who finds this distasteful, and it's hard not to agree. Innocent people died because of superstition and hatred. Hard to imagine something like Hocus Pocus, a relatively modern movie nominally aimed at kids, focused on showing that other purveyors of historical slaughters were right about their targets all along.

Yet, there is room for a Puritan-based witch story that doesn't blindly accept that those assholes were right, nor simply shows how evil they were because of their misplaced convictions. Rather than just implying the Puritans were right all along, imagine if a movie decided to accept that witches follow the rules and behaviors that Puritans believed they did--but decided to show how utterly unprepared they'd be to deal with an actual witch.

If you know anything about it already, you know that hypothetical film I speak of exists in The Witch. Or The VVitch if you prefer.

Even among Puritans in the New England of 1630, holier-than-thou types are not tolerated well. And so it comes to pass that the Governor (Julian Richings) of one Puritan Plantation rules to excommunicate one William (Ralph Ineson). William doesn't exactly help his case by deriding his judges as "false Christians," but he also is perfectly happy to accept exile.

His family is less enthused about having to brave the wilderness because their patriarch decided he had to have the last word, but they have no recourse in a Puritan society but to follow. Thus William's wife, Katherine (Kate Dickie); eldest daughter, Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy); son, Caleb (Harvey Scrimshaw); and twins, Mercy (Ellie Grainger) and Jonas (Lucas Dawson) are loaded up on the wagon and trundled off to the edge of a foreboding wood.

'Thanks a lot, dad."

Months later, the family has built a home, a small barn, and completed part of a third building. In addition to their horse and their dog, Fowler, they also have several goats and chickens. Katherine has also given birth to a son, Samuel. While William is struggling to get corn to grow on the property they are more or less contented--though they're Puritans, so contentment to them means lots of prayer and begging for God's mercy.

Of course, Thomasin is currently having the worst of it. She is a teenage girl developing into a woman in a household that views her very existence as sinful--her father may still have as much warmth for her as such a man can,but her mother long ago turned cold to her eldest child. So it does not help Thomasin in her mother's eyes when, while playing with Samuel on the edge of the property, the child vanishes impossibly before her eyes. William will later declare the culprit to be a wolf, but we saw a hooded woman (Bathsheba Garnett) conveying the infant through the tangled woods. Unfortunately for Samuel, witches don't treat babies any better than wolves do--it seems that babies are the prime ingredient in the ointment that allows a witch to fly.

The family understandably mourns for Samuel, especially Katherine. Thomasin suffers from nightmares, which Caleb wakes her from only after using her flailing as an opportunity to glance down her shift. While the rest of the family are in bed, William bemoans to Caleb that their harvest will not last them the winter and they must go into the woods to trap game. Caleb points out that his parents have told all of them that the woods are forbidden, but he follows his father into the wood just the same.

Their trap is empty, however. As he resets it, Caleb asks where his father got the trap, and William tells him to keep it secret--he traded Katherine's silver cup for it. Caleb then breaks down, crying and wondering if Samuel is in Hell and if he would also be in Hell if he died. William does what he can to calm his son in his own way, but the doubt remains in the boy's mind. And then--the rabbit appears for the first time.

I know you won't believe me when I say it, but this film manages what I thought to be the impossible: it makes a rabbit creepy.

Oh man, they're remaking Night of the Lepus now?

Of course, it may not actually be just a rabbit. When William prepares his rifle with Caleb's help, the firing mechanism backfires when he tries to shoot the rabbit. Despite how close his face was to the miniature explosion, William manages to avoid serious injury. His pride gets the worst of it, though we've already seen that that is where he is weakest.

Back at the homestead, the twins are driving Thomasin crazy with their constant running around and singing songs to Black Phillip, the family's large and aptly named billy goat, whom they have apparently liberated from his pen because they claim he talks to them. (I might add that the oddest part of the film, for me, was that a Puritan family would hear their children saying a black goat was speaking to them and ignore it as a simple child's game for so long) Thomasin is busy cleaning the stable and, like a typical teenager, is trying to ignore her obnoxious younger siblings. So she is not aware that Black Phillip is running free and acting erratically around the young children. William returns and is forced to wrestle the animal back into its pen, falling in dung for his trouble.

"Wouldst though like the taste of butter? Wouldst thou like to watch YouTube compilations of screaming goats?"

Katherine yells at William for disappearing with Caleb, but Caleb lies and says they went to the valley in search of an apple tree as a surprise, only to find no apples there after all. William goes along with the lie, and poor Thomasin is scolded by Katherine for letting the twins run wild--and sent to the brook to wash her father's soiled garments. Caleb comes to her later and she observes that he is acting strangely around her when she invites him to lie against her as he had done many times when they were younger. Of course, she also didn't observe him staring at the exposed skin of her chest when he walked up.

Being on the edge of adolescence and discovering your own sexual urges when the only woman for miles around is related to you must be horrifically awkward.

At any rate, the awkwardness of poor Thomasin trying to just innocently cuddle with her little brother is interrupted by Mercy appearing and announcing that she is the "witch of the wood." Caleb chides her for her childish games,but something dark comes over Thomasin. Thomasin advances on Mercy and declares that she is the witch of the wood and tells the increasingly terrified Mercy that it was her who took Samuel, and then she danced naked in the woods and signed her name in the Black Book. If her goal was to traumatize Mercy, Thomasin succeeds and then some--even Caleb is disturbed.

That night over their meager dinner, Katherine blames Thomasin for the missing silver cup, even as Thomasin insists she knows nothing about it. William takes Thomasin's side, but does not have the courage to confess he is responsible, so Katherine's ire toward Thomasin just grows. When everyone is in bed, the children pretend to sleep whilst listening to their parents argue. William does not confess his guilt, Katherine blames Thomasin for Samuel's disappearance, and William finally agrees they will take Thomasin into town the next day to work as a maid in another household.

This doesn't sit well with Caleb, and he decides to saddle the horse before first light, intending to go into the woods to check the traps and find meat and pelts to sell in the hopes of keeping Thomasin in the house. Thomasin catches him, however, and threatens to wake their parents if he doesn't take her along.

As Thomasin rides the horse and Caleb walks alongside, they talk about their house in England. Thomasin swears they had glass windows, but Caleb doesn't recall them. The first trap has a small rabbit in it, but Caleb insists they keep hunting. Unfortunately, the rabbit from earlier shows up. The horse is oddly spooked by the rabbit and then Fowler gives chase. Caleb chases Fowler and then Thomasin is thrown from the horse and knocked unconscious.

Caleb quickly finds himself lost in the tangling woods. He finds Fowler's mangled body and flees, only to shortly find a small shack made of earth of lumber. The door opens and a beautiful, voluptuous young woman (Sarah Stephens) in clearly immodest dress, slinks out. Clabe is drawn towards her and gladly accepts a kiss from her--only to find himself unable to break the kiss, and then the witch grasps him by the back of the head with her gnarled and wrinkled hand...

"Pumpkinhead? Is that you?"

There is a lot to unpack in The Witch, which is probably why it's such a divisive film. On the one hand, you can simply look at it as a simple horror movie that decided to simply tell us the story of what it was that Puritans feared would happen--why they so blindly believed that anyone accused of witchcraft must be judged and murdered--without any grander ambition than telling an effective horror story. And while it may not be the scariest film, as many promo materials would lead you to believe, there is no question that it succeeds at that goal.

This is a horrifying film that gets under your skin by following the slow burn format, rather than constantly throwing creepy figures leaping out of shadows at you. It doesn't rely on loud noises and gore to scare you, either. In fact, this film excels at knowing when it should leave its violence implied. With few exceptions, the majority of the horrors visited upon its characters happen off-screen, which actually makes them more effective.

After all, this film's first victim is a baby, and all we see of poor Samuel's fate is the witch lightly pressing a knife to his flesh--and then we cut to her furiously working a mortar and pestle, shrouded by shadows in flickering firelight, but clearly filled with something bloody. We don't need to see anything more explicit than that to know what has happened.

This is also a film that knows how to make use of its setting. From the extensive use of natural lighting, to filming in a forest so wild and overgrown that I began to imagine the trees were actually moving, ala The Evil Dead, there is no shortage of unsettling visuals. And, again, this is a film understands what he have to imagine will always be worse than what we can be shown. Even beyond the heavy use of shadows, there is barely any CGI in the film--and most of that was used to erase things from the frame, rather than add them. There are no digital phantoms, nor even mechanical ones--and there doesn't need to be.

The music is also excellent, almost contantly keeping you unnerved even when there doesn't seem to be anything disturbing happening on screen.

Of course, the question is: is this just a horror story? Is it just taking the witch stories of the Puritans more literally than most horror films do--there is a credit at the end stating that this film, which was clearly well-researched, used actual journal entries from the time period as the basis for its horrors--or is it making a grander statement? If it is, is that statement for or against the Puritans' fanaticism?

Certainly, you can make this a  case for an indictment of the exceptionally misogynistic patriarchy that characterizes fanatics of the Puritan strain. After all, we in the audience know that there is an actual witch in the woods preying on this family and something even more sinister living in their own barn*, yet each horror visited upon them focues the blame more and more on Thomasin, whom we know is innocent. Thomasin's only crime is being a teenage girl and the increasing persecution of her by her family surely dooms her soul far more effectively than the wicked creatures around the family could ever have done on their own.

[* The reveal that Black Phillip is, in fact, not just a goat might be considered a spoiler if he hadn't been so heavily emphasized in the film's promotions. So if you somehow weren't aware of that: sorry, not sorry]

It's not hard to view the film as condemning the parents at the heart of it for dooming their children and themselves by ascribing wickedness to natural human behavior--at one point William even pleads with God for mercy on his children for being unable to control their natural inclinations, but far too little and far too late. However, is is actually condemning them? While the film has actually been endorsed by the Satanic Temple of all things, some reviews have actually spoken of how sympathetic the film is to the Puritan family.

I viewed the film as showing how the misguided priorities of the family doomed them, but I was seeing it from the perspective of someone who has never been religious. I was raised by my parents as a Unitarian-Universalist, and encouraged to choose whatever I wanted to believe. Naturally, aside from brief periods where I invented my own pantheons or believed in Santa as some form of minor deity, I gravitated towards atheism.

Meanwhile, my viewing companion for this film had a perspective that could not be more different than mine. She may be a smartass, bisexual atheist now, but she was raised in a very conservative Christian environment that left her with many mental scars. She finds herself on the verge of a panic attack any time she steps foot in a church. To her, the film was frightening because it was so familiar and the film seemed to lean too close towards outright saying the Puritans had it right all along.

Of course, as I said before, how many horror films can be claimed to have basically said, "Hey, those assholes who went around killing innocent people actually were killing evil witches"? From the aforementioned Hocus Pocus to City of the Dead to Season of the Witch and, of all things, The Brainiac there is no shortage of films that posit that some of those witches were the real deal and were genuinely evil. So what makes The Witch different?

I would say it's the quality of the witches and the Puritans.

First off, these witches are frightening and inhuman creatures that are still recognizably human. That latter is especially noteworthy because despite a large amount of nudity in the film, this may be one of the least male gaze-intensive films I've ever seen. And it's not just that the witches we see naked are largely not conventionally attractive--because this is a film that presents us with characters whose bodies never come across as that far too perfect quality of most Hollywood nudity--it's that the nudity is never there to excite the heterosexual men in the audience. It is merely a function of the story and the camera never leers at its female characters, except when it is showing us the point of view of Caleb.

Secondly, in the case of both witches and Puritans, this film feels authentic in a way your average pilgrim cosplay horror film does not. There is a clear understanding of actual life for the Puritans, just as the witch lore is as "accurate" as it can be. The archaic dialogue also feels real in a way that too few period pieces manage.

Some of this is definitely on the cast, who are all terrific. Kate Dickie and Ralph Ineson both feel authentic and intimidating as the heads of the family and all three of the child actors are excellent. A bad performance by Harvey Scrimshaw could have made Caleb just insufferable instead of the complicated character he becomes; and Ellie Grainger and Lucas Dawson strike the perfect balance as the twins, not too aggravating and not too precious, either.

The real stand-out is Anya Taylor-Joy as Thomasin. While being constantly sympathetic, she still has enough subtle darkness in her performance that we can even begin to wonder if maybe her parents aren't so far off in their judgment. I really hope that this role leads to a lot more opportunities for her, because she is definitely a fantastic performer.

Every review of The VVitch is contractually obligated to include this promo still. I had to sign in a black Book and everything.

With all that going into the characters and film, and the rather removed quality the film has, it's hard to say what the filmmakers actually want you to feel about its characters. Sure, it wants you to be horrified of its supernatural terrors, but what about the mundane terror the Puritans represent? Ultimately, I think the movie wants you to decide--and that kind of ambiguity in its attitude towards such objectively awful people can be a hard thing to swallow.

In toto, The Witch is definitely a movie that sparks discussion. I have seen people rave about it, I have seen people slam it as awful, and when the lights came up on my viewing of it, both of the friends I invited along shot utterly bemused expressions my way and asked, "What the fuck did you just make us watch?" Yet, curiously, neither of them would say later that they hated it--in fact, they both found themselves thinking a lot on what they had seen.

So, in the end, this may not be a movie for everyone, but I am enthusiastically recommending it. Go see it, think about it, analyze the hell out of it with fan theories and what have you. There's no other film quite like it in today's cinematic landscape, and that alone is enough for me to say every horror fan should see it.

Even if for no other reason than to ponder the delightful possibility of a crass cash-grab sequel, The Witch 2: Return of Black Phillip, where everyone's favorite goat bedevils another community of Christian fanatics. "Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?"

"Wouldst thou like to host The 700 Club?"

George Kennedy was a damn fine man and one hell of an actor. He was also the sort of working character actor that seems to be oddly diminishing these days. The type who could win an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke and go on to appear in dreck like The Terror Within nearly 20 years later, with no seeming complaints. Hell, the man kept coming back to the Airport movies even when they were clearly running out of ideas.

Hell, and it's a testament to the man's talent that he could so often nearly steal the show from Leslie Nielsen in TheNaked Gun movies.

So naturally, while I was a bit shocked to discover the man was still alive--and had been working right up until 2014--I was definitely also sad to hear of his loss. And naturally I was eager to join the rest of my comrades in the Celluloid Zeroes when they suggested a roundtable devoted to his memory.

At first I struggled to think of a suitable film to tackle. I'd already knocked out The Terror Within, after all. Did I really want to tackle the killer cat puppet flick, Uninvited? Or did I want to go for one of the Airport flicks?

And then it hit me: hadn't George Kennedy starred in a truly whacked-out Bigfoot movie? Well, I simply couldn't resist satisfying my curiosity about that.

The film opens with one of the most frightening things you'll ever see:

Oh God, ABORT! ABORT!

I kid, I kid! Still, their distribution of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive notwithstanding, Vidmark did not exactly have a track record of providing the highest quality of entertainment. And usually they made you watch the trailer for Brainsmasher: A Love Story before they dumped whatever they had in your lap.

Anyway, back to the movie. After a rather woeful shot of a meteorite streaking towards the Earth as seen from space, we see a priest (John Durbin) leading a horse through the hills. He is boring the poor animal by reading from his bible or singing "Amazing Grace", when he reacts to the meteorite streaking past him.

I think. Either the cheap VHS quality of the only version available to me washed out the effect of the meteorite or there never was one, because we see him react to the sound of it but then are shown ordinary footage of the hills right before the priest recoils from the object's impact off screen. We do, however, see an adorable attempt at forced perspective as the priest stares at the meteorite before him, which dwarfs both him and his horse.

The object is also clearly not just a space rock, and the priest interprets it as the second coming and walks towards it, enraptured.

After the credits--which naturally give Kennedy top billing, credit the story to John Carl Buechler, and allow us to discover that the soundtrack (by one Dan Slider) will be a Casio synth score that wishes it was John Carpenter's work--we find ourselves at a little cabin in the woods. Inside, Bill Crafton (our dear departed George Kennedy) is playing Trivial Pursuit with his adult daughter, Julie (Jill Marin). It's actually a fairly charming little scene, but the encroaching POV tells us not to get too comfortable. In fact, after Julie teases her father about his mismatched socks, Crafton hears something grunting outside his patently flimsy door. No, seriously, the door could not be more obviously made of flimsy fake wood paneling if was just paper with "wood" written on it.

Sure enough, the door explodes inward, knocking Crafton down as a Bigfoot-type creature bursts into the cabin. Crafton can only watch helplessly as it attacks Julie before he passes out, and then the limp body of Julie is dragged away by the monster.

"Uh, Mr. Trump? You're on stage in five."

Fade to a car full of college students is making its way through the mountain roads. Fred Proctor (Hank Statton) is driving and Jack Bergman (David Michael O'Neill) is navigating since he's lived in the area. From the backseat, Tom Phillips (Billy Jayne, here credited as Billy Jacoby), asks Jack if he's ever seen anything in the woods, but he says he's just seen shapes moving around some nights but nothing more unusual than that. His uncle Clem used to own land in the area and he used to go camping there until his uncle built a house on the property to rent out to others.

Cindy Ossman (Colleen McDermott) then asks if they're going to the area where some people on vacation were recently attacked and Carrie Austin (Pamela Gilbert) jokingly says that will be exciting. Tom then brings up that the place is called "Demonwood." This starts the whole car chanting that this are woods of hell, to Jack's considerable consternation. When they arrive at their destination and begin unloading, Tom freaks out about the group being careless with unloading his "fragile shit."

"Yeah, I always knew you were a fragile shit," Fred quips. Tom, for some reason, responds to this by sniffing the air like he just smelled something revolting. That's...that's not a comeback. Meanwhile, the girls return to inform the lads that there's no door to the cabin. Then they dance halfheartedly when Tom whips out the boombox and plays generic rock that was pretty obviously not played on set during filming.

Inside the cabin, the group finds the place a shambles, the way it was left after the attack we saw earlier. Keep that in mind for a sec. Anyway, Jack dismisses it as the work of kids and goes out to finish unloading the car. Carrie comes over to talk to Jack as he unloads a series of guns. She points out that Jack's uncle had guns and that didn't help him, but Jack is adamant that he will be able to succeed where his uncle failed--though Carrie is more concerned that he hasn't told the others about why they're here. And then Tom comes and takes some sensitive electronic listening equipment from Jack, which further sets up that these yahoos are actually here because of the Bigfoot stories, not in spite of them.

In fact, Fred sees that Tom has a gorilla mask in his suitcase, which Tom was going to use to give everyone a scare until he saw how shook up Cindy was when they came into the wrecked cabin. Fred agrees that Tom should definitely not pull that prank--but that he should. You know, the prank that involves scaring the hell out of Fred's girlfriend. So, apparently Tom is not the group's biggest asshole after all.

At any rate, a gunshot from outside announces the arrival of Bill Crafton, now wearing a silly yellow hat. He orders all the kids to come outside, but before he can finish telling them why he ordered them out at gunpoint, Jack sneaks up behind Crafton with a handgun and makes him drop the rifle. Crafton explains he meant no harm, but is there to warn them about the creature that attacked him and his daughter months ago when he rented the cabin from Jack's uncle. Oh, and this means he knew uncle Clem, too.

It also means that the attack we saw happened months ago and was, in fact, the attack Carrie referenced--but nobody has bothered to clean up the cabin in any way since! Anyway, Crafton scoffs at the kids asking why he didn't go to the cops about his daughter, takes back his rifle, and departs with one last word of warning that they should all leave if they have any brains.

"Also, if you see a bear named Paddington, tell him I've got his hat."

That night, Jack reveals to his friends the real reason they're all here: a couple of weeks earlier, his uncle Clem went out to investigate the strange sightings that had been happening in the area. There had been sightings of Bigfoot and other strange phenomena for at least 100 years, but never as far North as this region and Clem wanted to know why. Except he vanished, and now Jack wants to find his uncle. The others are skeptical but agree to help, and Carrie is proud of him for finally telling them instead of just stringing them along.

So Carrie and Jack retire to their room for a romantic excuse to show breasts, while Cindy goes to take a shower and rebuffs Fred's attempts to join her even after he points out that there's no hot water. Frustrated at having his sexual advances twice spurned already, Fred decides to embrace his true douchebag and to puts on the gorilla mask to wait outside the bathroom window to frighten her. So when Cindy gets out of the shower to provide some non-romantic T&A, Fred knocks on the window and somehow produces a synthesizer-heavy growl to scare the towel off her.

Naturally, Cindy runs right into the waiting arms of Tom, who tells her it was a mean joke that Fred played. She seems oddly clam about the way he's creepily holding her and rubbing her arms when she has nothing but a towel on, but when they lean in for a kiss it becomes clear that they've had something on the side all along. Of course, they're interrupted by Fred pounding on the door. It seems that Fred has run afoul of the real Bigfoot. Of course, they take their time answering the door and by the time they do, Carrie and Jack have joined them to investigate the noise--and Fred is gone.

Well, most of Fred is. His flashlight is on the ground beside some bloody rocks. Worse, Jack and Tom see that their truck's hood is up and the engine has been torn apart. The group hurries back inside and barricades the door while Cindy throws on some clothes and Jack grabs the guns to load them up. Unfortunately, when Bigfoot crashes through the door, Jack's bullets don't seem to faze it that much. And when the beast starts to go after Cindy, Tom intervenes--and gets strangled for his trouble before having his neck snapped.

Jack raises his gun to shoot the creature, but suddenly freezes. Not even Carrie screaming at him to shoot the monster seems to get through and he just stares at it as it grabs some of his listening equipment and strolls out the door. Regaining his senses, Jack carries Tom's dead body up the stairs and then the surviving three huddle together on a mattress on the floor by the stairs, so they can watch the door.

Of course, as he starts to doze Jack is woken up by breaking glass. He goes upstairs to investigate--and finds Tom's body is gone. He declines to mention this to Carrie when he comes back down, but merely begs her to go back to sleep. In the morning, Jack takes the rifle, gives Carrie the handgun, and gives Cindy a knife. He explains that they'll have to risk travelling through the woods to get to town faster. When Cindy asks if they're just going to leave Tom's body, he dodges the question.

And now it's time for more expendable meat as a jeep carrying Betsy (Michelle Bauer) and Tara (Shannon Kennedy) drives along a dirt road. The two are telling funny stories about Betsy's ex-boyfriend as they go, since apparently they're heading to raid his "Secret Garden." Tara also makes sure to acknowledge the painfully generic rock song they're listening to with, "I love this song!"

Meanwhile, Jack proves so jumpy that when a pine cone falls from a tree, he whirls and shoots it with his rifle. He then suggests that they take a rest, while Cindy demands they keep moving--and then Jack almost attacks her. For some reason he is suddenly furious with Cindy and calling her a bitch despite her having done nothing but get frustrated with him because she is obviously scared. It really makes our hero look like an asshole, I gotta say. Sure, he admits to Carrie that he's largely angry because he sees this whole thing as his fault but...yeah, it kind of is.

Meanwhile, we see a random hiker (Larry Grogan) getting lost, before cutting to Betsy and Tara discovering that someone else has already beaten them to the "Secret Garden" and all the weed growing there is gone, Well, when life gives you lemons, you flash your tits as the saying goes. Which is why Betsy responds to this disappointment by taking off her top, because they might as well get a tan while they're in this shady section of wood. Tara follows suit--although she keeps her bikini top on--oblivious to the Bigfoot watching them from the bushes.

And at this point in the film I have no idea if the fact that its mask looks nothing like the Bigfoot we've seen so far is intentional or a foul-up.

"Rargh! My feet aren't the only thing that's big, baby! Raargh!"

After Jack just barely saves the trio from wandering into a bear trap that Crafton left for Bigfoot, Betsy and Tara's conversation is rudely interrupted by Bigfoot walking up and a twisting Tara's head off. Betsy runs to the jeep, but in her haste she forgot to grab the keys and is forced to continue fleeing on foot. Boy, though, that Bigfoot really gets around because we then see the hiker suddenly finding himself being pelted with severed arms, He responds rather nonchalantly to this turn of events until a pissed off ape man comes charging out of the trees at him and then he decides it's time to run.

And there is something inherently silly about the gait of this film's Bigfoot, I have to say. Like Ro-Man from Robot Monster took up fun running.

As Cindy ponders what they're going to tell people when they get back to civilization, Betsy manages to find a moment to put her shirt back on and break down crying. The hiker, having eluded the Bigfoot, suddenly runs into a zombie. Luckily for him the zombie isn't interested in attacking him, but that doesn't make the poor sucker feel any better and he takes off running again.

"Grraarrrgh! I'm voting Trump because Trump tells it like it is. Graarrrrggghhh!"

Let me tell you, this inter-cutting is not making any of this stuff any more interesting than it would be on its own, but we return to the Jack, Cindy, and Carrie wander the woods show as Jack helps them up a hill--and has a weird moment where he tenderly touches Cindy like he has romantic feelings for her. Maybe that's why he's been such an utter prick to her? At any rate, he breaks away from Cindy in order to narrowly tackle Carrie away from another bear trap. He then pulls his rifle out to shoot what he thinks is Bigfoot, but naturally he just barely misses shooting Crafton hiding in the bushes.

Crafton's righteous indignation is kind of hard to maintain when, after Jack has Cindy take away Crafton's gun, Carrie notices that he's wearing Tom's watch. Crafton claims he found it outside his camp and, at gunpoint, Jack demands Crafton take them to his camp. Meanwhile, the terrified hiker stumbles into a small clearing full of bones, severed limbs, and half-eaten corpses. As he tries to regain his footing, Bigfoot suddenly pounces on him and forces his arm into a bear trap before disemboweling him with a stick. Okay then.

At Crafton's camp, Jack demands answers. He also reveals to the others that he had been hiding the mysterious disappearance of Tom's body. Crafton reaffirms that he knows nothing about the attack the previous night, but simply found that watch by his camp. He explains that after he recovered sufficiently from his injuries, he came out here to find the monster that killed his daughter, He wears his silly yellow hat so it can easily find him and he riddled the woods with traps. Carrie snidely remarks they found several already, but then Crafton reveals they were lucky to avoid his biggest surprise--tripwires rigged to bundles of dynamite.

Unbeknownst to Crafton, however, Bigfoot is going around pulling the blasting caps out of the dynamite and tossing the sticks aside.

Crafton asks about the attack the night before, specifically if Jack noticed anything weird. In fact, Jack did notice that the beast acting like it recognized him. Crafton asked if it took anything and Jack mentions the stolen listening equipment, but Crafton doesn't get to explain why that's relevant because Betsy--having heard the gunshots--shows up at the camp and narrowly avoids setting off a dynamite trap.

Crafton sends Jack into his tent to get the first aid kit and water--but wouldn't you know it, our big hairy friend that can't ever seem to go anywhere without constantly growling audibly has learned stealth in order to wait inside the tent. When it comes out, wringing Jack's neck, nobody else can shoot it without risking shooting Jack. Cindy leaps onto it and begins stabbing it with her knife, but that just results in her taking Jack's place as Bigfoot's human shield--until Bigfoot proceeds to slap her unconscious and then proceeds to do the same to Cindy and Betsy.

Crafton then tries to lure it to a dynamite trap, only for it sneak around behind him and proceed to smash his skull against a rock over and over. After all, we're an hour in and George Kennedy's charisma was no doubt a bigger portion of the film's budget than all of its creature effects combined.

When Jack regains consciousness, he is completely alone. He gathers his guns and the dynamite before he sets off into the hills to try and follow the creature's trail. Instead, he finds a dazed Cindy staggering through the brush. However, she won't respond to him calling to her. When he runs up and grabs her arm, he finds out why--she turns around and reveals that half her face has been clawed away and she is growling vaguely like Bigfoot. Which, of course, would have been a much more effective reveal if we hadn't already had a totally random zombie earlier.

Misogynistic fanboys were up in arms after Drew Barrymore was announced to play Two Face in the new Batman movie.

Acting on a reasonable hunch, Jack follows zombie Cindy. Naturally, she leads him to Bronson Canyon, which makes my Robot Monster crack earlier even more apt. Inside the cave, Jack finds Bigfoot waiting for him and shoots the beast--and suddenly bullets can actually hurt it. The beast collapses and proceeds to undergo the old "werewolf turning back into a human" process to reveal the creature was Uncle Clem (Joe Praml) all along.

Coughing up blood, Clem apologizes to Jack, saying he never wanted to hurt anyone but they made him do it. Clem dies and Jack goes further into the cave and discovers lots of torn up radio equipment--again, feeling pretty Robot Monster here--and what appears to be the skin of a man's face. Jack trips over himself in shock and then runs deeper into the cave, only to run smack into a group of rotting zombies carrying electrical equipment around!

And here the movie's ambition really begins to outstrip its budget. The zombies are, to a man, obviously normal people in pristine clothes who are wearing really, really obvious rubber masks. So obvious, in fact, that when Jack finds an inexplicably still living Fred tied up beside a spaceship doorway that looks like it was borrowed from Star Trek, the rubber gorilla mask Fred is still wearing doesn't look any less convincing than the zombies.

Fred is bleeding from the nose and mouth and says he's all busted up inside, so Jack should leave him and go rescue Carrie inside the spaceship. Fred says the priest inside the craft wants to use Carrie and some other girl for some purpose and they won't be alive for long if he succeeds. Jack rests Fred's head on his jacket and turns to enter the ship, only to be confronted by zombie Tom. And to our great chagrin, zombie Tom is not only not mute like the other zombies, but is trying to do the hammiest of hammy Jack Nicholson impressions. After mugging for a bit with no real reason, Tom tells Jack that he should just come quietly--but Jack listens to the audience and shoots Tom.

Stupidly, he only shoots Tom in the shoulder so Tom continues advancing, summoning the other zombies to join him. Then, despite Jack's gun clearly having fired the last bullet in the clip a second ago, Jack fires again and mercifully (for us) hits Tom in the head this time. After killing three more zombies with headshots, Tom's gun runs out of ammo for totally real this time so he slams in another clip--and proceeds to miss every shot. After slamming a third clip in, Jack immediately abandons the whole gun idea and decides to go for punching instead.

He gets himself swarmed for his troubles.

Now we see the zombies doing repairs inside the spaceship, using all the stolen electronics to fix its insides. In garish chamber, the priest from the opening, now much paler, chants, "Azdreth is Lord!" He then raises a ceremonial dagger and advances on Betsy, topless again and strapped to a sacrificial altar.Meanwhile, a pretty cool slimy alien with metal claws, scorpion tail, and bat-like ears sits nearby, eagerly watching the sacrifice unfolding--presumably this is Azdreth. The priest says that his master is returning to the stars and then cuts out Betsy's heart and offers it to Azdreth, who mumbles alien gibberish and happily begins eating the heart.

Hey, what do you, know, Ted Cruz was in one of those "teen tit films" after all!

The priest gleefully assures Azdreth that there is more, and then we see a still-living Fred trying to rouse the unconscious Jack in the cave outside. Why didn't the zombies take Ted into the ship when Tom earlier told him to come quietly? Beats the hell out of me. Luckily, for our insipid--er, intrepid hero, Fred was able to grab his pack. So when the zombies walk back out, carrying the corpse of Betsy--and seriously, only eating the heart seems like a real waste of meat unless she's also being turned into a zombie--Fred ensures they have the weapons and dynamite with them as they are both dragged into the ship.

Now it's Carrie's turn to be strapped to the altar half-naked. The priest excitedly tells them that after over a hundred years of being trapped on Earth, the mighty Archangel Azdreth is ready to return to the stars and they will each feed him in turn. Well, it turns out that zombies make shitty muscle, because Jack instantly wriggles free and tackles the priest.

Jack then apparently shoves that dagger where the sun don't shine, which kills the priest. This angers Azdreth, but the zombies barely look up from their spaceship repair so I guess they don't have any particular loyalty to the priest.

"Azdreth don't pay nearly enough braaaaaiiiinsss to also fight college kids."

Jack shoots a couple zombies, but Fred takes a tumble while fighting another zombie and lands beside Azdreth's space recliner. The alien immediately buries the stinger on his tail in Fred's chest. Jack pauses in cutting Carrie's bonds in order to empty his clip into Azdreth. Turns out aliens aren't bulletproof. It's a bit too late for Fred.

Oh, he's still alive, sure, but after Carrie dresses herself in the dead priest's robe, she discovers that Fred is starting to turn into a Bigfoot. Guess that mask was foreshadowing, huh? After Jack sets a pile of dynamite down with an attached timer set to go off, Fred yells at them to leave him behind. Seeing his friend's hairy arms is enough to persuade Jack and he hilariously shoves aside a whole conga line of zombies as he and Carrie make their escape from the chamber.

The gradually transforming Fred clutches the bundle of dynamite to his chest as Carrie and Jack flee through the cave. Unfortunately, they bump into Cindy on the way and for some reason Carrie just flat-out refuses to abandon her clearly undead friend. So Jack, demonstrating the one reasonable instance of his assholishness towards Cindy, shoots her repeatedly in order to force Carrie to abandon her. At that range and angle he really would probably have hit Carrie, too, but whatever.

For some reason, once outside of the cave the couple ducks behind a large rock instead of, I don't know, just continuing to run away. Bigfoot Fred breaks out in air bladders and roars before the whole cave erupts in a fireball...

...and Jack suddenly wakes up in bed next to Carrie, in what is unmistakably a darkened sound stage with no furniture beyond their bed and the lamp sitting on its frame. Carrie rolls over and Jack explains he can't stop thinking about Tom and Fred (but not Cindy, the prick). Carrie comforts him and says it's about time they got back to their lives and makes a suggestion that they go to the beach, only for the zombies to suddenly appear out of the shadows and surround them...

...and then Jack finds himself in bed next to a zombified Carrie...

...and then Jack wakes up in fright, alone in the bed, the camera zooming in on his tense face and--roll credits?! Seriously, that's your fucking ending?

"Honey, maybe you should ease up on the exfoliating...:

Wow. Demonwarp is the kind of film that leaves me virtually unable to decide what to make of it. On the one hand, for most of the running time this is a rather dull "young people go into the country and get murdered" flick with a Bigfoot as the death dispenser. However, it wisely cast George Kennedy in a major role so there's at least one engaging character. Then, on the other hand it suddenly becomes an almost engaging sci-fi horror flick with the introduction of Azdreth, his zombie minions, and his Sasquatch Stinger. And then it immediately squanders that cool stinger with the laziest bullshit stinger ending this side of Breeders (1988). I mean, fucking Breeders, man! If your film in any way compares unfavorably to that film, you've taken a severe wrong turn.

In toto, then, I'd have to see this is a crappy movie. However, as anyone who has read this far probably knows that there are different levels of crappy movies. There are the crappy movies that are no good at all, the crappy movies that manage to achieve a kind of perverse goodness from being so crappy, and then there are the crappy movies that manage to actually be fun on their own merits while still basically being awful. Amazingly, Demonwarp is all three of those.

At times Demonwarp commits the cardinal sin of a bad movie by being boring, while other times it ventures into the delightful territory of leaving you pondering what the hell its makers were thinking, occasionally is so incompetent it becomes brilliant, and then in a few scenes it actually engages you in the way the filmmakers intended.

As I said before, George Kennedy is excellent even with the little material he is given to work with, and I actually rather liked Colleen McDermott as Cindy--and not just because she was willing to bare it all on camera, I might add. Hell, even David Michael O'Neill as Jack gets a few good moments in, but his character is just so poorly written and unlikable it's impossible to feel anything for him. The film's direction is nothing special, for that matter, and the score is not very good at all,

The film's creature effects, as I said before, are definitely a mixed bag. The zombies are, aside from the first one we see and Cindy, pretty much awful to a one--but the Bigfoot has a very expressive face, even if it still has that patently rubber quality to it. The alien Azdreth is definitely the highlight of the film, even if its metal claws look like they're actually silver cardboard.

Is this a film worth tracking down? Well, it's not yet on DVD or Blu-ray but the internet makes it easy to find until such time as Scream Factory, Kino Lorber, Mill Creek, or one of the other genre-heavy distribution companies get their claws on it to give it a proper release. (I can only imagine how awful the zombies will inevitably look in HD) Therefore it doesn't require much effort to find and watch it, so I'd say if you're in the mood for some genre fare you haven't seen before you could definitely do a lot worse.

In the end, I'd say the crazy alien plot just barely makes it worth viewing. It's definitely perfect for a Saturday night viewing with friends if your friends are the sort who make a habit of viewing obscure 1980s horror movies.

And really, those are the best kind of friends, aren't they?


This review is part of  Petroni Fide! the Celluloid Zeroes' tribute to the late, great George Kennedy. Check out what the other Zeroes did below!

Checkpoint Telstar took The Human Factor into account.

Cinemasochist Apocalypse was Uninvited, an unfortunate slight.

Micro-Brewed Reviews had a Nightmare at Noon.

Psychoplasmics joined The Delta Force.

Web of The Big Damn Spider got slapped into a Strait-Jacket.

I've spoken about this before, but the most curious thing about the Gamera franchise is that very early on it was decided that the franchise was meant for kids. On the surface that isn't odd. I mean, kids love monsters, right? A monster franchise aimed at kids seems like the most normal thing in the world.

No, the odd part is that--in Western society, at least--when we think of kid's entertainment we usually think of something where the blood and violence is in some way toned down or reduced. Where loss of life and limb is either not shown or severely played down. I mean, why else would parents get angry at Watership Down being shown to their children on Easter? It sure wasn't an objection to all the bunnies.

And yet, despite the fact that the original Gamera films are undeniably aimed at children, they feature as much death, destruction, mayhem, and bloodletting as any of the more serious Godzilla films. One would not unreasonably reach the conclusion that a Gamera movie would give a young child nightmares.

[This has not, of course, been a concern of mine thus far. My toddler thinks Darth Vader is the greatest thing in the universe and once laughed uproariously at the (non-gory) segment of a zombie movie I inadvertently allowed him to watch.]

It's tough to say which Gamera movie is most likely to seem most wildly inappropriate for its target audience, but I would argue that even though it's largely innocuous overall, it's today's film that contains the most high-grade nightmare fuel.

We open in space as a strange vessel that looks like a bunch of cartoon bumblebee butts were torn from their bodies and stuck on keyring zooms through the cosmos. Inside the ship amongst panels of blinking lights, a chandelier that looks like a representation of an atom lights up as a booming voice announces to the crew that they have reached the target of their expedition: the planet most similar to theirs in all the universe, which contains all the elements they need to survive.

You guessed it, they've arrived at Earth and their mission is to colonize the planet, by invading and repopulating it with their own species.

Of course, they didn't do their research very well since they are completely caught off guard when a rocket-powered, spinning turtle shell comes barreling at them. The attempts to zap Gamera with their laser cannons are somewhat less than effective and the decision to extinguish his flames--which are unaffected by the vacuum of space but apparently can be snuffed out by a powder spray--just causes him to stick out his arms and head and ram their ship until he smashes his head into what seems to be the control room. He then shoots his flame breath all into the compartment to take care of any crew not killed by decompression.

As an aside, I'm now pondering what Home would have been like if its adorable alien invaders were to run afoul of Gamera.

"Welcome to Earth!"

The aliens jettison that particular bee butt and attempt to flee with the rest of their ship. Gamera does not leave survivors, however. He chases the ship and spews flames at it (that somehow are not extinguished in space) as the ship's commander signals their home planet of Viras* to alert them that they have failed and the second spaceship must be sent immediately because, "There is a deadly creature protecting the Earth. Its name is--" And the "Gamera" part of the title appears out of the exploding spaceship. And no, I'm not sure how they knew Gamera's name. Maybe he was screaming it at them as he tore their ship apart.

[*An odd quirk of the Gamera films is that the alien invaders all tended to have the exact same name as the planet they hail from and even their species is the same. It'd be like encountering Earth, an Earthling from planet Earth]

And here we are introduced to the first instance of the Gamera theme that Mystery Science Theater 3000 got such a kick out of. (Interestingly, the English dub on Shout Factory's DVD completely omits the singing but leaves the music.) It's not exactly an awful song, but it is definitely an ear worm, made worse by having no clue what they're saying so you can't even exorcise it through singing.

And then we come back down to Earth and discover that this film has decided to deliver the maximum possible dosage of young Japanese boys in shorts by starting us off in a boy scout camp near a beach. The Scoutmaster, Mr. Shimida (Kojiro Hongo) has just pulled up to camp in a nice car with an old white dude, Dr. Dobie (Peter Williams), whom he thanks for a generous donation to the camp and then sends word to have a roll call for everyone to meet Dobie.

One of the trio of teenage girls leading the scouts, Mariko Nakaya (Michiko Yaegaki) is concerned because no one has seen her brother nor his usual partner in crime. Sure enough, Masao Nakaya (Toru Takatsuka) and Jim Crane (Carl Craig) have sneaked away to the nearby oceanic institute Dr. Dobie runs. Accompanied by whimsical music, the two discover a mini-sub, which they deem, "A toy for adults!"

Well, it's the right shape, anyway. *ahem*

The two brats climb into the sub and immediately rewire its controls backwards. When Masao's sister calls him on his wrist radio and Scoutmaster Shimida informs the two boys they won't be getting supper, they scramble to get back to camp. First, though, we have to establish that Jim is great with a lasso when Masao's hat inexplicably flies off his head and ends up on a flagpole, and Jim lassos it back down.

Naturally, it turns out that Dr. Dobie has summoned the scouts to his institute to give them the opportunity to ride in the sub that Masao and Jim just sabotaged. First, though, Dobie and Shimida will test it out. And that means that they somehow find themselves in very deep water before discovering that the controls are backwards, as comical jazz music plays. Both men are terrified, incidentally--to the point that Dobie crosses himself at one point. I'm not shocked at their utter terror. They appear to be at least 50 feet under water and in serious mortal danger--isn't that hilarious?

Well, naturally the shaken men return somehow and Masao and Jim enjoy a good chuckle until Dobie declares the scouts can't use the sub because it's not safe. Masao and Jim pipe up that the issue is just that Dobie doesn't know how to drive it, but they do. For some reason, Mariko helps them to convince Dobie and Shimida of this. And then they're off, maintaining radio contact with Mariko as they drive their sabotaged sub along the bottom of the ocean.

"Do you think they'll drown?" "Nah, you wouldn't get that lucky."

As the boys go along, their radio briefly goes fuzzy and to Jim's alarm and Masao's delight, suddenly Gamera appears alongside them. Gamera races the sub--and I must note that the swimming Gamera prop is a very bizarre thing in that it gets the details of the suit right, but gets the proportions all wrong, like having his tail be too short--before standing still and letting them drive around his legs.

Which is when Spaceship #2 arrives from Viras. As you recall, Gamera intercepted the first one before it was even in orbit, but this one not only enters the atmosphere, but immediately traps Gamera with "the super-catch ray," which translates into hitting him with a beam that then covers him in a translucent dome. Way to fall down on the job while you were busy playing with some kids, Gamera.

"Oh, right, defend the Earth! I knew there was something I forgot to do today!"

Well, the kids are trapped, too, and unlike Gamera they are in danger of running out of air to breathe. Touching the dome zaps Gamera with energy but he his able to lift it up enough to let the sub out before he seemingly loses consciousness.

You might think this is when the movie is about to get exciting or suspenseful, what with Gamera being captured by alien invaders who are now free to conquer the world. Maybe the kids will have to find a way to free Gamera from imprisonment, with the clock ticking.

Nope! It's actually time for the movie to grind to a complete halt. The unseen alien controller announces that the super-catch ray will wear off in 15 minutes, so in the meantime they need to "activate the Videotron" so they can learn all there is to know about their foe--including how he was born, what his powers are, and what his weakness is.

In practice, this means the film burns 10 minutes of screentime by showing us stock footage of Gamera the Giant Monster, Gamera vs. Barugon, and Gamera vs. Gyaos. Though, actually, the Gamera the Giant Monster stock footage here appears to be the slightly tinted footage from the beginning of Gamera vs. Barugon, so it's doubly recycled footage. This also means the film is implying that Gamera was "born" when he climbed out of the Arctic ice, fully grown, in his debut film. We're then shown highlights of his fight with "the quick-freeze monster, Barugon" and Gyaos. At the end of this footage, the aliens deduce that his weakness is his fondness for children.

Oh, don't get too comfortable. The film isn't done with the stock footage parade yet, but we'll get to that.

Naturally, back on dry land, Masao and Jim find their story about racing Gamera and being saved from aliens by him is not believed. Especially since Jim's photographs of Gamera didn't turn out due to insufficient light. I'm not sure how the alien part isn't not believed, however, since it'd be impossible for anyone watching from shore to miss the damn spaceship. At any rate, Gamera surfaces just as the spaceship looms in toward the institute. Shimida tries to herd all the scouts to safety, but Masao and Jim rush off down the beach to yell at Gamera as he flies toward the spaceship.

Either the kids have somehow not noticed the bright yellow spaceship or they've already forgotten how it trapped Gamera, because they run right into the range of its super-catch ray and get trapped in a miniature dome. Somehow, Gamera can understand the aliens when they order him to back off or they'll kill the boys. Shimida and Mariko arrive on the scene in time to witness the boys being caught by the ray and then rush over to them, only for the dome to vanish as the boys are beamed inside the spaceship as hostages.

Look very carefully at this picture and you'll see a spaceship hidden in it.

Inside the ship, Masao and Jim discover that it appears to be crewed by Japanese men dressed like they're about to perform surgeries any minute. They also seem to completely ignore the kids as they move from compartment to compartment by leaping goofily into the air and flying through the connecting tunnels. This trick does not work for Masao and Jim--something Jim attributes to the aliens being adults and not, you know, aliens.

The two also accidentally discover that the ship responds to telepathic commands when they vocalize the wish to have a glass of orange juice and one of the blinky panels disgorges two vases full of a liquid that is definitely not orange, Jim is, understandably, hesitant to try strange liquid offered by aliens but Masao goes right for it and assures him it's delicious.

The two then decide to test their luck by asking for a parachute to escape or a gun to kill their captors. That triggers an alarm and the boys find themselves surrounded by the alien crew, who now reveal that they have glowing eyes in the dark. The aliens tell the boys that they are going to be allowed free reign of the ship (?!) but if they attempt to do anything to harm the ship or escape, the alarm will sound and they will be caught.

Fun fact: it turns out that this frightens my toddler.

The aliens then proceed to go to another compartment, where they use their radio to order Gamera--still circling their ship angrily--to land. They then land nearby and, after aggravating him with their laser beams, fire a brain control device onto his head. Meanwhile, the kids stumble into a room that has a strange squid creature in a cage in its center. Now, this is played like the squid creature is a captive of the humanoid aliens that is relatively friendly to the boys, but given the poster you should already have guessed that this is actually the titular Viras and the leader of the aliens.

I have zero idea why Viras is in a cage instead of a comfy recliner or some kind of a fish tank. Maybe it's a game he likes to play with his crew. Whatever the reason, the boys decide they'll come back to free Viras later and then decide to go after one of the humanoid aliens. They lasso him around the wrist and pull--the alien is just as confused as to what they hope to accomplish with this as the audience is...

...and then his arm tears itself out of its socket and flies across the room to pin them to the wall. This is a kid's movie. The arm pushes them up the wall as the alien laughs maniacally and informs them that they have now lost their privilege of wandering the ship unsupervised. Bars appear out of the wall and pin them in place as the severed arm flies back to its owner and reattaches.

Well, that should give every child in the room nightmares.

Oh, right, the control device on Gamera? Well, that takes effect now so that the film can trot out even more stock footage. First, we see the footage of Gamera attacking the dam from Gamera vs. Barugon. That by itself won't make for a very impressive rampage, so the film next cribs random city-destroying footage from Gamera the Giant Monster.

Now, you may have noticed earlier that I referred to the doubly-recycled footage having been tinted to cover the fact that the original film was black-in-white but its sequel was in color. You may, therefore, be wondering how they're dealing with that mismatch of footage here. The answer is: by just not giving a shit.

Yes, aside from a brief shot on the aliens'"Videotron" that is tinted red, we are simply shown a bunch of black-and-white footage that clearly belongs to another movie. I mean, that would be clear enough since the control device on Gamera's head was huge and as brightly colored as the spaceship it came from, but this is just adding insult to injury.

Look closely and you may see a subtle difference between these shots.

At any rate, the aliens fly over a panicked city with Gamera in tow, announcing to the world that Gamera is in their power and the Earthlings dare not attack them or they will risk killing the two boys on board. And lest you think that the aliens have some weirdly misguided idea of how much value humans place on the lives of two boys, well you're about to see the next scene show you that the aliens are right on the money.

In the makeshift military commander center overseen by an unnamed commander (Koji Fujiyama, last seen in this series trying to murder Kojiro Hongo instead of aiding him), Mariko is able to radio Masao on his wrist radio after Dr. Dobie helps boost the signal. After Shimida reminds the boys of how they were clever enough to sabotage the sub so its controls went in reverse, the boys figure out how to wiggle out of their restraints. When they hear that Gamera has been brought under the aliens' control and the military has refrained from attacking the alien ship for fear of harming them, the two boys tell everyone listening--which includes their parents, now--that they are ready to die for the sake of the Earth. I mean, it's such a no-brainer, even to a couple of punk kids, right?

However, the JSDF commander is reluctant and then an order comes in from the United Nations saying that they will surrender to the aliens's demands rather than risk killing two kids. Right, that seems likely. Never fear, however, because the kids run into the control room where the aliena are gathered and tell them that "the creature" has escaped. Oddly, the aliens all fall for this, and in fact, are confused when they enter that room and find Viras still sitting in his cage since they have no idea why they boys would lie, Worst alien invaders ever,

The boys quickly figure out a way to rewire the alien controls backwards, since they have the amazing ability to do that and only that with any form of machinery, apparently, and they activate the super-catch ray to escape the ship. When the aliens see the kids fleeing down the beach, they order Gamera to kill them--and so Gamera attacks the ship instead.

In desperation, the aliens all flee to the compartment Viras is in, begging their leader for help. His cage immediately flips up and disappears into the ceiling because he could have just left at any time and they all knew this. The aliens hand him a little stained glass sculpture that is apparently a communication device. Viras now speaks and radios the home planet to say that their second invasion attempt has been thwarted and they must flee.

"We have just learned what calamari is made of, and we are fleeing this planet and never coming back."

Well, they try to escape by separating their compartment from the rest of the ship, so Gamera just throws another section of the ship at the fleeing bee butt. This causes them to crash and the control device on Gamera's head to blow up. Which, again, posits that a traditional military attack would have ended their invasion toot sweet had the UN not been oddly unwilling to make an easy call for the greater good.

Seeing the crashed pod has landed nearby, Masao and Jim peek inside to see Viras speaking to the other aliens. He informs them that he can kill Gamera, "but first I will need all of your lives." The other aliens beg him not to, but with one swipe of his tentacle he decapitates all of them! Yes, this leads to the immediate reveal that they were actually more squid beings wearing human disguises--but I don't think that makes the nightmare fuel less potent!

"Man, that flesh suit was Gucci!"

One by one the other aliens fuse with Viras so that he grows to be even bigger than Gamera and bursts out of the pod. Viras is also revealed to use the angry Tribble sound effect from the original Star Trek as his roar, which suggests Gamera is a Klingon. Gamera and Viras fight, which involves a lot of Gamera being tossed around by Viras's tentacles and the reveal that Viras' head is both made of shorter tentacles and can function as a spear. This becomes especially noteworthy near the end of their battle.

After much back and forth, Gamera manages to throw a rock at Viras in such a way that it becomes stuck on his spear-like head. Viras flees into the ocean and Gamera pursues, but Viras quickly breaaks the rock off of his head and turns back for shore, dragging Gamera behind him like a water skier. For some reason this is treated as if it is a triumph for Gamera, complete with his cheerful theme playing...until Viras hits the beach and Gamera is sent flying to land on his back so that Viras can then leap up into the air and impale Gamera through the belly.

Despite the fact that Viras pulls back and impales Gamera again, and then rams Gamera into a rock to drive his head even further in, this is not apparently a fatal blow. Apparently because Gamera has no internal organs suddenly.

Don't worry kids, turtles are immune to impalement!

Somehow, the vocal encouragement of Jim and Masao allows Gamera to withstand his entrails being turned into porridge, though. Gamera flies up into the atmosphere, taking Viras along for the ride. And here, perversely, the film decides to acknowledge actual physics as the higher they go, the more Viras becomes covered in ice. (What icing problem?) Finally, Gamera turns over and spins really fast, dislodging his frozen opponent so that Viras plummets thousands of feet into the ocean and is apparently killed on impact.

Everyone celebrates, Gamera flies off to presumably succumb to his wounds--The End!

"The Dream of The Fisherman's Pet Turtle" was not nearly as well received as the original woodcarving.

Rights issues have been a thorn in the side of film lovers for ages and that goes double for foreign films released in America, but the ones for the Gamera films are exceptionally bizarre. Back in the 1960s and 1970s, AIP picked up the Gamera films for television distribution--with the exception of the first film, which, like Godzilla before it, was re-edited to insert white guys into it before being theatrically distributed as Gammera The Invincible (and no, I did not misspell that). They retitled them things like War of the Monsters and, in this case of this film, Destroy All Planets, thus removing any reference to Gamera in their titles and also any hint that they belonged to a series if you weren't aware of it already. Naturally, these films were usually edited down to what AIP assumed was "appropriate" for American children in the 1960s. AIP-TV also skipped out on Gamera vs. Zigra, but I can't say if that was because they recognized how dire it was or because they were done with Gamera by 1971.

(I'm not sure who later distributed 1980's last gasp, Gamera the Super Monster in the US, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't AIP.)

When the 1980s rolled around, a distributor named Sandy Frank released the films to VHS, but for some reason he opted for securing the films directly from whomever owned their Japanese rights at that time (I'm not sure if Daiei  had recovered enough from bankruptcy at that point for them to be the rights holders or not) and redubbing them with infamously awful dubs. Yes, the ones you saw on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Most folks tend to assume that the reason he did this was that whomever owned the AIP versions at the time asked too much for the rights, and certainly a certain amount of penny-pinching would explain why Frank only chose to import five of the total eight Gamera films in existence at the time.

Yet, ironically, when DVD came around the only versions of the classic Gamera films you tended to find were the AIP versions, as they had fallen in to public domain. I was always a bit reluctant to spend good money on DVDs that contain picture quality no better than a VHS, so I held off on bothering to watch any of those Gamera releases until Shout Factory put out their discs of the series in 2011.

This is a very long-winded way of explaining that unlike many of the other original Gamera films, by the time I saw Gamera vs. Viras for the first time, I was around two decades out of its target audience's age range. That by itself isn't an issue, of course, since even an adult can enjoy a kid's movie--and especially one that contains giant monsters. However, it does mean that by that point I was much less inclined to cut the film the sort of slack I might have as a kid. And hoo boy, does this film need a lot of slack.

For one thing, annoying kids become a lot more annoying when you're no longer a kid. Now, Jim and Masao are not remotely as annoying as, say, the kids in Gamera vs. Zigra--now that's damning with the faintest of praise--but they aren't exactly likable, either. If a character's actions nearly cause innocent people to die for the sake of a prank, they better be incredibly charismatic to get an audience to overlook that. Jim and Masao are merely tolerable.

The other hurdle is definitely the film's over-reliance on stock footage. Now, to be fair, stock footage would be a mainstay of the rival Godzilla series only a few years after this film as budgets dwindled, and even three years earlier Monster Zero (aka Invasion of Astro-Monster) had shamelessly borrowed key destruction shots from Rodan despite still commanding a prestige budget. However, this is only the fourth film in the franchise and it makes its audience sit through a solid ten minutes of movies they'd already seen in order to pad the running time, and then it trots out even more stock footage for the sake of destruction sequences that are, frankly, unnecessary.

Not to mention, those destruction sequences show the alien-controlled Gamera causing the deaths of hundred, at least, which makes it even harder to later believe the UN thought two lives were too valuable to be sacrificed to stop further destruction. So it makes the film look sloppy and cheap, and it sabotages the narrative. It's a mistake on so many levels.

That said, if you look beyond the film's flaws it's...ultimately pretty mediocre. It is neither as good as Gamera vs. Barugon or Gamera vs. Gyaos, nor as brain-numbingly horrid as Gamera vs. Zigra, and it certainly never achieves the sublime heights of awfulness as Gamera vs. Guiron or Gamera the Super Monster. I really had not missed much by having never seen it until 2011 and frankly the film is almost entirely forgettable...

...except for the utterly unexpected moments of sheer terror that the disguised alien squid monsters provide and the shocking sight of Gamera being gored by his opponent on such a brutal level. Take those moments out--as, presumably, Destroy All Planets did--and there's nothing to recommend this movie. With those moments it becomes just whackadoo enough to say, "Hey, Frank, you gotta see this shit!"

And sometimes that's enough. Especially if you feel like terrifying your children.


This has been my extremely late addition to the "You Know, For The Kids" roundtable by The Celluloid Zeroes. The more punctual members of the group turned in the following assignments:

Checkpoint Telstar probably got his in before me by aiding and abetting Time Bandits.

Micro-Brewed Reviews took a ride on The Magic Serpent.

Psychoplasmics probably shouldn't have opened up The Gate.

Seeker of Schlock crawled up the wall after watching Spider-Man.

Web of the Big Damn Spider got tickled by The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.